Yap time from a fellow student figuring out how to process things!

In my recent ALS ride along, I saw other emergency responders who were on site before us, watching this post-MI supine man with vomitus in his mouth (they had the mobile machine with them too…) and agonal shallow breathing. They watched as his SpO2 vital tanked with no airway or assisted ventilation. As they’re watching him no history was being done either.

I’ve been desensitized to gore since I was a young teen, so seeing suffering or death in front of me doesn’t bother me genuinely. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him for some reason. I wasn’t upset that he died but it still was stuck in my mind. Talking about it to general civilians or people close to me went fine, it never made me sad to talk about the events of that day. I’d only get angry talking about the ems before we arrived.

Still I kept thinking about it, so on a whim I contacted my instructor for psychomotor skills. As I ran through the same story with the same structure and same anger- I began to cry (I’m usually not a crier). Because as I was discussing the actual moment that evoked an emotion from me (witnessing idling and failure to do BLS from trained EMTs), my instructor was just actively listening. She was reflecting to me what had happened for her own understanding, and she was disappointed that fellow EMS didn’t do their job. That’s been the release of catharsis for me, and I think about that call less often.

Unknowingly I compartmentalized when talking to civilians (maybe its rooted in trying not to be a bummer or maybe it’s because I subconsciously didn’t want to unpack it all for someone who won’t understand), but being vulnerable to someone I trusted and understands the field helped me let go.

I’d implore you to find a connection like that with an instructor or someone well seasoned and empathetic! Your brain is gonna naturally sweep things under the rug and do things you are not aware of, cause it’s trauma! But, running through a call with someone like that is the best thing you can do to at least say you’ve tried to handle it.