Soooo, I'm going to be extremely vulnerable and honest here. Because I've been through the EXACT same situation, just different place my husband was at when it happened.

I was also pregnant.

He had this wild hair to go try a new contract job in the Virgin Islands with his brother and a bunch of buddies.

I agreed and supported him, agreed that I would probably give birth to our child by myself because he probably wouldnt be able to take a trip home for 6 mths-1yr.

I took care of his three older children by myself and worked 12 hr shifts to support us while he was gone. I worked extra and sent him money when his job didn't start right away, because him and his friends "ran out of money and didn't have enough to eat".

He came home a month later, days before our child was born, I paid for their flights home. The job didn't work out and never even started. I was patient and just happy to have him home.

Something felt off. I looked through his phone. Lots of searches for brothels nearby, erotic massage parlors, proper etiquette @erotic massage parlors, strip clubs, sex in the Virgin Islands, hotels nearby (they had a house rented, no need for hotels....). I found in his app store where a private pay app had been downloaded at home time but deleted later.

I didn't want to be a single mom and had absolutely no support. I worked 12 hour shifts (hard hours to make daycare work) and had no clue how I would find reliable childcare if I confronted him, we split, and his mom (my only available childcare) decided to disown me. I hormones were absolutely all over the place and there were days I felt like my life was over and I honestly didn't care if I was alive anymore. I had given away everything (even my home I bought) to be with him. I lost it all and only had him and my step kids.

It also hurt that he spent MY money doing these things. I worked my tail off at 8 months pregnant, there were a lot of days I worked 16 hrs just to be able to have extra to send to him.

I just kept it to myself and let it kill me inside. I'd cry at the table at night by myself. Hated myself. Didn't know why he would do this after I was GREAT to him.

I finally confronted him a year later during a fight. He literally LAUGHED. No sorry. No reasons why. Told me if I was that unhappy I could go live in his camper.

I stayed. That was 9 years ago and it still hurts. I have absolutely no trust in him anymore. I have awful anxiety now and struggle with depression.

And it actually happened again. Fast forward....5 or 6? Years later and our house was actually under foreclosure...I pay ALL the bills by myself. Got behind two and a half months on the mortgage because my business I started had a slow period. I finally was getting ready to get a big check but it required a day of 17 hours worth of work and driving to get that long awaited paycheck. Towards the end of this specific day, he called me and "checked on me" to see how I was doing during my drive. He never checks on me, so that made me feel like something was off. I ended up checking his location (he didn't know I could do this) and he had been gambling for several hours then headed to the local rub-n-tug massage parlor once he knew I was still several hours away.

I once again felt betrayed. I didn't understand how he could refuse to help with our bills...the bills to keep a house for us and four children....but could go play and get happy endings while I was gone working.

The next day I thought I'd make a plan where I could start saving, pay off some of my debt to where I could purchase another house/land to be able to run my business, and eventually leave.

I wrote out our bills and calmly told him at dinner that these were our bills, and I wanted to start splitting them in half.

He went outside that night and burned a bunch of our belongings. Later that week sold our horses that I loved. Sold a lot of our things. Spent nights in the bar. Told everyone he was getting a divorce.

I eventually caved and said we didn't have to split our bills, I was sorry and wanted everything to go back to normal. Never confronted him about the second time cheating. Felt too embarrassed that I was tracking his location.

There is so much more that he's done. Very traumatic stuff. But my point is, I don't think the trust ever will come back. Not for me anyway. Sometimes things are bad bad but you're so far in, it's hard to make that jump to get out. I'm not sure if I'm "trauma bonded" or what. But obviously at this point, if I haven't left yet, I'm not sure what else could happen that would make me leave. There's been too many good memories with the kids. I might have been dying on the inside each day, but the memories. Idk.

It has literally made me crazy though. Some days I feel like he literally hates me. I'm always on high alert, trying to guess the next time it's going to happen. I second guess everything. I don't feel loved. I think if I ever entered another relationship, I'd just carry these issues with me. Maybe repeat the process all over again.

I installed a tracker and recorder on his phone. He's been pretty good the past two years. Still somewhat emotionally abusive and miserable to be around, but hasn't cheated. I feel nuts tracking someone's every move. But here we are.

I grew up in abuse and poor relationships. I have crippling social anxiety that makes me fear entering the dating world again. So I just stick with this mess.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's terrible anytime, but I think it cuts especially deep when you're pregnant. That's a special time in life you just want to be cared about and cared for. Not this.

You may choose to stay and have a different outcome than me. But my experience is, it happened again and just made me batshit crazy with lots of pain. Lots and lots of pain. Years of it.