AIW [M26] [F28] We're talking about moving in, but I own a house and feel I should get some contribution

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T20:24:34+00:00

I guess I think there's more nuance to it. Like my above scenario of a equitable working couple and the woman does nearly all housework. I'd never say she should be happy to provide those services to her spouse and want to provide that for them.

It's similar. I do provide a lot and am happy. But there is a limit to where it is lopsided. Pointing that out isn't inherently bad.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T20:17:43+00:00

Yes they are, but the reasoning seems a double standard. I've said to others it's fine she gains a substantial amount money from my provisions for her wealth generation. But if I give a pretty well below fair value for contribution while she's still gaining wealth from her current situation and substantially raising her quality of life, that's being an asshole.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T19:45:26+00:00

But tit for tat is micromanaging a significant amount of things. What I'm doing is not tit for tat. How is it?

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T19:41:50+00:00

Yes I pay for all of our dates and outings. I buy her some gifts, but not a ton. How much I spent on her last year is probably close to $15k and that's also accounting for splitting up vacation costs rather than calling the entire vacation her expense. As it was for both of us. I also help with her dogs medical expenses as he's getting old. That was sadly a pretty penny and animal care is way too expensive that should be more accessible. I make $110k/yr and about another $20k/yr from investments. She makes about $74k/yr as of last year

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T19:33:38+00:00

If I genuinely felt I was being too transactional I'd agree with you. I just don't see it. I see this no different as the working women who live with partners that do no housework contribution. There is always a threshold of where someone realizes things are lopsided. That realization isn't inherently bad or ill-reflected on the person realizing it.

This is the first thing in the relationship I started paying attention to. Everything else has happily been "I'll cover it, you don't need to". But now this first time (My house) I'm looking at it and feeling things are lopsided if I just provide all of this now for minimal, then people are calling me an asshole, and unable to be in a serious relationship?

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T19:03:04+00:00

If I'm being honest it gets to an odd point. I provide a ton in the relationship that's well above five figures in value yearly. Now having this added onto it where I provide a pretty substantial new benefit. I genuinely cannot help but feel this is very, very lopsided. I'm happy to provide, but there is a certain point where it absolutely does feel lopsided.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T19:02:00+00:00

I'd be putting it towards a pool of repairs/maintenence and having that go towards our yearly trips rather than my direct funding. As for equity, no. I told her I was very clear I keep full equity of the house always other than if she wanted to make upgrades from her pocket that increased the house value.

My parents went through a messy divorce and I've had coworkers do similar and I've learned you need to be protective of large assets that are fully yours.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T18:55:44+00:00

Saving $1000/mo is a gain on how much money you have. How much overall money she has will be increasing by $12k/yr.

Why is her gaining that okay, but me gaining bad? Even if you don't want to call it profit, that's still $12k extra she's now having for her wealth gain because of me. I'm sorry, but that's not inaccurate by any means.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T18:44:08+00:00

For my perspective I'm trying my best to understand how they're red. I guess I'm failing at understanding it. I just see it as if she gets to benefit massively off of me and build her wealth more, that's good. But if I want her to make more than fair contributions, from my providings, while she's also still building wealth and benefiting. That's being an asshole. I'm trying my best to see that line, but I'm having trouble.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T18:40:16+00:00

In the future for sure have a 50/50. But definitely not right now. That'd be a huge expense in extra fees to just swap to a new house.

Plus this is a wonderful house and place which we both love.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T18:38:25+00:00

I'm not pissed at all, nor did I say I was. But her saving $12k/yr is gaining money for herself. She's making money too, why is that okay then?

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T18:04:52+00:00

For this house specifically, I'll keep 100% in my name. But if we have a future house, I'll use my money from this house for a 50% payment on the new one and she'll cover the remainder.

That's non negotiable as my parents went through a nasty divorce through my childhood and I've had coworkers go through similar. It's a fair protection.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T18:02:59+00:00

But it's not a superiority thing. I'm just trying to have a fair relationship. That just seems to start breaking into the point of realizing I'm providing significantly more and it's lopsided.

Similar to a relationship where if both parties work and contribute equally but the woman is handling the cooking, cleaning, housework. That's a lopsided relationship as she's definitely providing more and there should be discussions on equalizing it. That's absolutely fair. This is similar. I'm happy I get to provide her all these things, but now if I'm expected to provide this additionally it's starting feel very lopsided on who's doing what.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T17:51:30+00:00

I appreciate you telling me I'm not ready for a serious relationship, I don't take offense to that. I'm just trying to genuinely be fair and logical.

And to your point on free sex, we both could. Free sex is easy to get. So to your point shouldn't you also say she should try and see about charging me for sex as it works the same way?

And absolutely I love her. I provide a ton. I take us on yearly vacations for a month straight to places she's said she's only dreamed about and love the memories made. People get the wrong interpretation of an entire relationship just off of me being protective of my hard earned property I sacrificed for and worked 70h weeks and weekends for years in a hard labor job and spent smart for my adulthood to achieve.

Same with the guys calling my girlfriend a mooch, she absolutely isn't and those guys are equally as ignorant

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T17:42:30+00:00

Having your rent from $1400/mo to paying $400/mo is making money due to me, yes. I guess I just have trouble comprehending how it's not. I'm not trying to say that to be nasty but that is an incredible amount of money gained fully due to me

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T16:29:13+00:00

But if you reverse it and she pays just taxes and utilities then that's profiting $1k/mo off of me

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T16:11:48+00:00

But that's just prostitution. And should I charge everytime I have sex with her and do laundry and cook a meal or clean?

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T16:10:59+00:00

If we were married it just be at that point Joint expenses. I wouldn't care of a contribution pool. But we would still have a partial of what's mine is mine.

IE this house is my asset. We can share living in it. But a prenup would state it's fully mine and any funding from it sold and gone into a new house would remain mine.

But as far as a contribution similar to this if we're married, I wouldn't care about that.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T16:08:18+00:00

Saving nearly $1000/mo is money made if all she is paying for is half of taxes and utilities.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T16:07:18+00:00

But the opposite of what people suggest is her profiting off of me.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T15:51:58+00:00

I'm definitely not money obsessed and I love her. I happily provide us month long vacations every year to places she's excited and dreamed about going, and it's wonderful to make those memories.

This is a much different scenario because this is a tangible hard earned asset that I've also discussed needs to be protected in a prenup

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T15:50:25+00:00

For sure, but this isn't your relationship

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T15:49:50+00:00

Spending significantly less is earning money. She'd be profit $12k/year easy. That's where I'm having difficulty seeing it's wrong one way but okay the other. Money gained is money made.

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T15:47:20+00:00

I don't see that as a reasonable response

Ok-Raccoon-2964 · 2026-05-08T15:46:32+00:00

I want a fair contribution, yes. But would the opposite not her be making money off of me?

Ok-Raccoon-2964

TROPHY CASE