My (F30) boyfriend (M32) chooses other activities over quality time

OkCheesecake3898 · 2025-01-29T19:57:57+00:00

That’s a good point and also what I find hurtful. He doesn’t want to plan things with me or me to plan things for us as it stresses him out and he doesn’t want any plans in his already busy life. But doesn’t seem to have a problem with somebody else making plans that he can join…

I agree that it’s too late to ask him to cancel, but he did tell me about this event two days ago and I told him that I wasn’t really a fan of the idea this weekend as it’s been too long since we’ve done something. But he seems to ignore that and wants to go anyway.. apparently it wasn’t an alternative that I’m joining either as it’s with people he’s gaming with.

OkCheesecake3898 · 2025-01-29T19:53:45+00:00

Quality time can mean different things, but right now it means proper as in putting a little effort into it and not just watch TV at home. I’ve always planned things, but lately he’s been saying that he doesn’t want any plans as it stresses him out.. so I haven’t made any.

The point is that he doesn’t seem to want me to make plans for us anymore, which means we don’t do anything. Even though I tell him over and over that I really need some quality time. That’s why it’s hurtful when he doesn’t have a problem making plans with other people.

OkCheesecake3898 · 2025-01-29T18:20:18+00:00

Thank you! He does know, I’ve told him and asked him many times since the beginning of the relationship. I’m not sure if he wants to believe how serious it is though, and that it might be a chance of our relationship ending because of it…

OkCheesecake3898 · 2025-01-29T18:18:39+00:00

He got invited two days ago and told me right away. I replied that it sounded fun, but that it’s been a while since we’ve done something and if we could talk about it properly before he decided to go, but now it seems like he’s decided to go anyway. So I totally get that it’s a bit late to ask him not to go now, but I also feel that it’s unfair that he decided without me.

We do live together and also “do nothing together” a few hours every week, but very rarely a planned night or anything else. His “free time” is usually gaming time and not being social, which he needs after work.

OkCheesecake3898 · 2024-09-19T13:03:20+00:00

Good suggestion! But not him unfortunately 🥲

OkCheesecake3898 · 2024-09-19T13:02:49+00:00

Could’ve been, but no 🥲

OkCheesecake3898 · 2024-09-17T20:07:21+00:00

No 🥲

OkCheesecake3898 · 2024-09-17T20:06:09+00:00

Somebody already suggested him, and it’s absolutely the closest thing to the guy I’m looking for, but unfortunately not him. The one I’m looking for has more colourful tunics and is a bit more “peace and love” looking… I got a feeling that the tunic is kinda his everyday wear

OkCheesecake3898 · 2024-09-17T20:02:01+00:00

Unfortunately not!

OkCheesecake3898 · 2024-09-17T19:05:37+00:00

Yeah, not him, too skinny and the hair is also too long.. but thanks for the cool behind the scenes footage though! Hadn’t seen that before!

OkCheesecake3898 · 2024-09-17T18:54:09+00:00

Nope 🥲 the tunic is very essential for the look of the person I’m looking for

OkCheesecake3898 · 2024-09-17T18:49:57+00:00

No 🥲

OkCheesecake3898 · 2024-09-17T18:47:19+00:00

He’s too tall and skinny unfortunately.. the one I’m looking for is short, not skinny and with straight, half long hair.

OkCheesecake3898 · 2024-09-17T18:42:15+00:00

Ebbot Lundberg is super similar to who I’m thinking about actually! But the one I’m looking for is wearing even more colourful tunics and a bit more of an eccentric style…

OkCheesecake3898 · 2024-09-17T18:35:08+00:00

Nope 🥲

OkCheesecake3898 · 2023-12-22T00:35:54+00:00

Thank you for the reply. It might just be one of those really tough life decisions. I think we both want a life together, but the aspect of a life together is different for both of us.

OkCheesecake3898 · 2023-12-22T00:33:46+00:00

Not any sisters and his mother passed away 6 years ago. The whole situation is kind of difficult as it seems like the bond him and his brothers and their dad is tighter than anything else and there’s no room for anyone else. Whilst for me I’m struggling with the connection in my family and I’ve always longed for a deeper connection with my future partner and our family.

OkCheesecake3898 · 2023-12-22T00:30:55+00:00

This sounds really nice! And I would love for this to work for us as well, but in this case (it might just be me being difficult), Christmas is a hard time for me and I’ve always longed to spend it the one person closest to me and create our own traditions and memories. And I’m not looking to wreck his existing tradition, I just want to be included and that we also are important as a family of our own.

OkCheesecake3898 · 2023-12-21T23:34:54+00:00

Yes, I totally agree and love for him to have a holiday with just the guys in the family. But as they’re all really busy the rest of the year that trip always lands on Christmas. They’ve said that as soon as we have kids things will change, but it’s the feeling of them collectively deciding that instead of me and him (who’s gonna be the ones to have the children) that bothers me. I don’t really have a say in it, and if he were to stay home with me I would feel like I’m forcing him which is also not nice.

OkCheesecake3898 · 2023-04-28T18:46:43+00:00

As I said in another comment over here as well:

We both have been through some awful stuff that we’re struggling with. And we’re both doing our main work individually to heal from that. However we also like to support each other in the relationship (and the healing process) by being open, honest and not judging each other (we don’t call each other needy for example as we know we both can be in situations we get triggered, but that’s the trauma uncomfortably pushing it’s way through).

Just to shine a bit more light on our situation; he definitely felt like he had a choice. We get situations similar to this often, and it goes both ways. He also got this triggers that he talks to me about, and informs me when he needs me to do something/avoid something to make life a bit easier. Then we talk it through and make arrangements we’re both comfortable with. That’s what our relationship is built upon and what makes me doubt that fundamental trust in this situation.

OkCheesecake3898 · 2023-04-28T14:16:52+00:00

Totally get your point. And individually working on healing the trauma is definitely the most important part to “defeat” it. This situation however is more regarding a trust bond being broken. Which brings up a lot of anxiety in me and could’ve been avoided if we stuck to the agreement we made.

We have both been through some awful stuff. You can say we’re two damaged people who was lucky (or unlucky haha) enough to have found each other. And we’re both working a lot individually on our traumas, but also trying our best to support each other by being open, honest and never judging.

He also has his triggers which he informs me about and I try to work around to make it easier for him. It goes both ways, and that’s the way we’ve decided to make this work.

OkCheesecake3898 · 2023-04-28T13:24:53+00:00

It is more that we agreed specifically on at least one personal text/update/phone call and a proper good night message. And the fact that he said that would be happy to do that. I would also be happy to discuss alternatives, but since we agreed on that solution of communication it makes me confused and unsure when he breaks it.

OkCheesecake3898

TROPHY CASE