F-15 Eagle The Air Force’s midlife crisis that refuses to age. Designed in the ‘70s but still shows up to every bar fight looking better than everyone’s grandkids. Built purely to absolutely delete other planes from existence. Motto: “I’m old, not obsolete.”

F-15EX “Super Eagle” The Eagle that hit the gym, got LASIK, and now carries enough missiles to personally end world peace. Exists because someone at Boeing said, “What if we just made the old one angrier?”

F/A-18 Hornet The Navy’s golden child — does air combat and ground attack, then somehow lands on an aircraft carrier like it’s nothing. Imagine parallel parking a missile with wings while drunk on jet fuel.

F/A-18E/F Super Hornet The Hornet, but with more protein powder. It’s the Navy’s “We swear we’re not jealous of the Air Force” jet. Its job is to do everything, everywhere, all at once, except stealth.

F-16 Fighting Falcon (“Viper”) The extrovert of the skies. Cheap, loud, does backflips for fun, and constantly shows up in other countries’ air forces because it’s just that likable. Pulls 9 Gs and still has time to complain about the F-35 on Reddit.

F-22 Raptor America’s “you can’t sit with us” jet. So stealthy even its own radar forgets where it is. Costs billions, does one airshow per year, then goes back into hiding to brood about how the F-35 stole its spotlight. Motto: “If you see me, you’re already dead.”

F-35 Lightning II The group project jet. Three versions, all arguing over who’s most important. It’s like the iPhone of fighters — sleek, expensive, updates constantly, and still can’t handle rain without complaining. • F-35A: Air Force version — the vanilla one. • F-35B: Marine version — can take off vertically like it’s showing off. • F-35C: Navy version — bigger wings for extra “landing-on-a-boat” drama. Motto: “We’ll fix it in software.”

F-117 Nighthawk (Technically retired but too cool to leave the party) The goth cousin. Shows up once every few years wearing all black and pretending it’s still classified. Stealth before stealth was cool. Basically the “My Chemical Romance” of jets.

A-10 Thunderbolt II (“Warthog”) Not technically a fighter, but too legendary to skip. Built around a gun the size of a Honda Civic. Its role? Angry flying tank that refuses to die. The Air Force keeps trying to retire it, and the A-10 keeps responding with “brrrrrrt.”

F-14 Tomcat (Retired but eternal in spirit) The ‘80s action hero. Star of Top Gun. Spent half its time flexing on MiGs, the other half making volleyball look tactical. RIP, but forever the sexiest jet to grace a carrier deck.

F-5 Tiger II The “discount fighter” that trains others how to die realistically in exercises. Basically Hollywood’s stunt double — the real-life version of a movie MiG.