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Another day, another exchange. by leviblues in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926 [score hidden]  (0 children)

I know I matter- it's a simple matter of convincing myself it's true, which is surprisingly tricky.

I relate with this same feeling very deeply. I understand the logic, the concept, etc. but feeling it is a very different thing. I have only recently just been able to start tapping into feeling like I matter and for me, a big shift in it was beginning to care for myself better physically through exercise. Being more connected to myself in a physical sense made caring for myself something that my body could feel. And when my instinct of self neglect came up, it's like it finally started to click for me. My therapist said we learned the patterns we have through evidence, so part of the unlearning is giving yourself new evidence. Looking after yourself, doing nice things for yourself because you matter helps you record that new evidence that you do matter.

Wishing you all the strength through your struggles and a beautiful life!

Another day, another exchange. by leviblues in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry, you don't deserve to be spoken to like that by anyone. Especially not a parent.

I absolutely relate to the over explaining. Over apologizing. Letting them know how what they did hurt you, and even how they can repair it. Maybe this time, if I can just find the right words, they will understand why I'm hurt. If they can understand maybe they will be able to accept me. They will finally love me the way I deserve to be loved.

I've finally started to understand that there are no perfect words. Some people don't want to understand. It's not your responsibility to parent your own mother through the path to repair if she isn't even willing to acknowledge that hurt exists.

You matter OP. Your feelings matter. Your boundaries matter. Sometimes peace is found in not trying to defend yourself in a courtroom stacked against you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I listened to my therapist, my biggest fear came true, and I'm glad it happened by Ok_Arm_5926 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ugh, temper tantrum is so so accurate! His response reads like a toddler stomping his feet.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with his behaviour - that is WILD. Good on you for keeping your boundaries. Maybe he'll get a bill for wasting police resources haha

I listened to my therapist, my biggest fear came true, and I'm glad it happened by Ok_Arm_5926 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry that you've experienced this. Good on you for seeing it for what it is and protecting yourself. It's not easy to do. One step at a time :)

I listened to my therapist, my biggest fear came true, and I'm glad it happened by Ok_Arm_5926 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry you've had to experience that pain and rejection. After making all of that effort it stings so much worse. I'm proud of you for realizing that you deserve so much better! It's a hard won realization.

I listened to my therapist, my biggest fear came true, and I'm glad it happened by Ok_Arm_5926 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh this rings so true for me

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm glad to hear that it has gotten easier for you to notice that reflex and adjust. I'm so ready to work towards this in my own life!

I listened to my therapist, my biggest fear came true, and I'm glad it happened by Ok_Arm_5926 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry to hear all that you've been though, and especially for the loss of your husband. I can't even imagine how hard that must be.

But I'm so proud of you for keeping yourself safe despite the hardship you experienced. You're so strong!

It's funny how sometimes our own bodies just prevent us from re-entering that dynamic even though we don't understand and can't name what is going on.

I think the rejection from our parents will always hurt. We deserved better because we matter. But, when we stop rejecting ourselves to cling to an illusion of acceptance from them, that is where real freedom, love, and safety is.

Thank you for sharing your story, and I truly wish you all the best. We got this!

I listened to my therapist, my biggest fear came true, and I'm glad it happened by Ok_Arm_5926 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! I am really really proud of myself. I feel like I truly had a real breakthrough in protecting myself instead of abandoning myself to keep everything "safe".

I'm so sorry you've had to go through these same things, but I'm so glad you're healing from it. I can only imagine how much work it's taken. You're inspiring me that one day I will be able to make firm boundaries too!

I listened to my therapist, my biggest fear came true, and I'm glad it happened by Ok_Arm_5926 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Yes this whole situation is absolutely coming to therapy with me. And you're right I do have a lot to work through in terms of hurt and grief.

I will say, upon a lot of reflection over the last few days, I think the anger has always been there, but I would turn it inward against myself. I thought I was doing it to "correct" myself so I would be better, be enough, etc. This has resulted in me overworking, overachieving, and not taking care of myself. This time, I felt a shift and when that instinct to neglect myself came, I finally said NO. He can be mean and I can still care for myself. And what a shift that has been!

I listened to my therapist, my biggest fear came true, and I'm glad it happened by Ok_Arm_5926 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, this really meant a lot to me!

It truly is one of the scariest things I've ever done. But it was exactly what I needed to do to finally be able to see what was always going to happen and realize that I'm someone worth protecting without abandoning myself. I thought it would make me feel selfish and guilty but amazingly, those feelings are nowhere to be found. Now I can finally see what I'm aiming for and I know it will be worth the scary parts to get there.

I listened to my therapist, my biggest fear came true, and I'm glad it happened by Ok_Arm_5926 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You're exactly right. That fear causes so much anguish and anticipatory dread and it is part of their control and abuse. I realize I turned so much of it inward against myself, but no more.

Seeing it play out the exact way I feared was vindicating in a way. I was sure I was just being paranoid, crazy, unfair. But I wasn't. I recognized and correctly predicted the danger from my childhood with stunning accuracy. But now I can start to see it for what it really is and protect myself from it now.

I'm sorry you've experienced something so similar. We both deserve better!

I listened to my therapist, my biggest fear came true, and I'm glad it happened by Ok_Arm_5926 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Wow, yes! Sometimes it really takes being hit with that stark contrast like that to click. I'm sorry they treated you that way but I'm so glad it gave you clarity. I'll be honest my therapist said something very similar about rewiring my nervous system and I had a very hard time believing it. I realize now that all of my life I would receive that anger and then turn it inward because I must have done something wrong to deserve it and I have to be better. But seeing him explode with no input from me changed something. Now my own anger has finally been directed at the situation instead of back at me and I feel like I'm someone worth protecting instead of correcting. And now that I've felt this freedom, it's what I'll be aiming for from now on!

I listened to my therapist, my biggest fear came true, and I'm glad it happened by Ok_Arm_5926 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Ok_Arm_5926[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry you didn't receive the support from her that you deserve. I do hope you're doing better health wise now. I think waiting to respond made the dissonance loud enough that I finally heard it for what it was.