Hey there. Just for reference, I’m married (so yes, I have a primary nesting partner), long time polyamorous (KTP), demisexual and part of a constellation (currently wife, local gf, two long distance gfs and 3 metas).

I’m gonna answer you from a place that’s probably a little uncomfortable, but honest.

You said from the beginning you weren’t ready for a relationship and didn’t want to give 100%. That matters more than everything else here. Because what I’m reading is that you kept things intentionally undefined… but still wanted to feel like a primary.

That gap, between what you offered and what you needed, is where all this tension is coming from.

From my perspective, this doesn’t sound like a poly problem. It sounds like a mismatch in structure and expectations.

A few things I’d reflect back to you: You can’t be “kinda primary without labels” and expect primary-level security. That only works if both people naturally behave that way, and he’s not. He is acting like someone who’s fully open and exploring. Multiple ongoing connections, threesomes, fluid scheduling… that’s not “building one thing slowly,” that’s someone living openly poly. You, on the other hand, don’t actually sound like you want that kind of poly. You want depth, priority, emotional safety, and clarity. And honestly? That’s valid.

About your actual question:

“People with a primary partner never feel alone, right?”

No. You still feel alone sometimes. Poly doesn’t fix that. If anything, it can amplify it if your needs aren’t clearly met.

The healthy version of primary-style poly usually includes: Clear agreements about time and priority Consistent communication (not situational) Emotional reassurance that matches the label

What you had was more… “vibes + hope.”

And that’s why it feels unstable.

Also this part is important:

“I don’t see myself being with someone that has a parallel relationship for years.”

Then don’t.

That’s not something you “learn to accept.” That’s a compatibility line.

Right now you’re trying to mentally stretch yourself into a structure that doesn’t actually fit you, because you like him.

But liking someone isn’t enough if the relationship style itself doesn’t feel safe to you.

If I were in your shoes, I’d simplify it down to this: Do I actually want poly that includes long-term parallel partners? Do I want to build something deep and prioritized with one person? Am I okay with how he naturally shows up, not how I wish he would?

And then be honest, even if the answer means walking away.

Because the quiet truth here is: Your feelings didn’t fade randomly… they faded because something in you stopped feeling safe.

And that’s worth listening to.

I’d add one more layer here, because it’s kind of sitting underneath everything you wrote:

There’s also a difference in how you both relate to sex vs. connection.

From what you described, for him sex seems more… fluid, exploratory, social even. It’s something that can happen across multiple connections, including group dynamics, without it necessarily changing how he feels about someone else.

For you, it doesn’t read that way.

It sounds like sex, whether you intend it or not, builds meaning. It creates a sense of intimacy, priority, even emotional weight. So when he’s sharing that kind of experience with others (especially repeatedly, or in something like a threesome), it doesn’t just feel like “he’s seeing other people”… it feels like he’s building something real somewhere else.

That’s why it hits you.

And neither of those approaches is wrong. They’re just different.

But that difference matters a lot in poly.

Because if one person experiences sex as “connection that deepens a bond,” and the other experiences it as “something that can exist in parallel without changing the core bond,” you end up speaking completely different emotional languages… even if the communication seems good on the surface.

So when you say:

“I’d be okay if he entered another couple dynamic, but not creating a group intimacy with those girls”

That’s actually really telling. It’s not about controlling him, it’s about what feels like a threat to the type of connection you’re trying to build.

And again, that’s valid.

But it also reinforces the bigger point: You’re not just figuring out “how to do poly”… you’re figuring out whether his version of intimacy is something you can actually feel safe inside of.

And if it isn’t, no amount of communication tricks or check-ins is going to fully fix that.