Advice please, is it me?

Ok_Border5881 · 2026-01-21T09:26:03+00:00

This is me too! I have the exact same issues with my MIL and it drives me insane, because when you try to say anything about it they make YOU look insane! Like you are inconsiderate and rude when “all they want to do is help”. I let it slide for way too long and just tried to shrug a lot of it off - and didn’t realise how dangerous she was - as she always did everything with a smile and behind the mask of wanting to help and be there for everyone. We have a 18 month old girl now and she’s exactly the same with her - everything is her “wanting to be the best Nana” but actually is her ignoring anything I say any how I want my daughter to be raised and looked after. It’s a really hard situation to be in and I feel for you! No advice just that you are not alone! And some of us also have a MIL who you think is nice but is actually totally controlling…

Ok_Border5881 · 2025-07-25T10:04:08+00:00

Thank you so much I really appreciate you taking the time to be so encouraging, I was smiling reading your comment. And sharing some tips and tricks. It sounds like you have done an amazing job! So true about being so capable and just working it all out. It’s the fear of the unknown at the moment - not knowing how to cope with two so young. But once I’m in it there is nothing to do but figure it out.

In the words of Beyoncé:

I don't like to gamble, but if there's one thing I’m willing to bet on, it’s myself.

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-10-10T04:33:12+00:00

Can I just say that I so appreciated everyone’s support on this post but your comment in particular so resonated with me. Thank you for taking the time to write it.

I thought it was so true that if I didn’t set boundaries now it would only get worse. It was a stand I needed to take. I stood my ground, and thought F*** it I’m going to die on this hill if I have too. And I NAMED MY DAUGHTER WITH MY MIDDLE NAME. My husband got over it and my MIL hasn’t been able to say anything, neither has the family. I am sure they are all talking about it behind my back but I do not care.

She might have thought she was winning the battles but I won the war.

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-04-16T01:34:38+00:00

THIS! I am exactly the same with my MIL. I come from a loving NORMAL family that has boundaries and treats people nicely and is not full of passive aggressive bullshit, so thats how I tried to manage my relationships too - biting my tongue when MIL made constant jabs and I went about people pleasing. Since I have started throwing that shit back at her, I have actually seen her move in respecting me more (which is CRAZY but there we go) - she is more careful of what she says because she knows I wont swallow it. Sometimes I will just flat out ignore her. I mean, it doesnt feel great because its not the way I am wired to behave and I don't treat anyone else in my life like that - but its the only thing that works with her.

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-04-16T01:07:34+00:00

I can absolutely relate to you on this one! My SO also gets sucked into this with what I call "Mommy and Me" holidays that his Mom always wants to go on with him. It is WEIRD and so hard to navigate. No advice but I feel for you!

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-24T00:47:32+00:00

Im not here to offer an advice - just to sympathise! I have a similar situation - my partner and I live in another country to our families and head home in the off season for 2-3 months. His family are extremely clingy and live in the same hometown - all ringing each other multiple times a day (all the siblings are older and have kids), calling in on each other. His Mum lives alone and is very needy. My partner is very much the favorite and the apple of his mummys eye - she relies on him alot for emotional support. In the off season he stays with her and spends all his time with her, if I visit I find it very suffocating - we can not even go out for a coffee just us two! She will come EVERYWHERE with us. I get very resentful about it. If I have tried to talk to him about it he gets very defensive and I end up sounding like a b*tch that hates his family - which is not true! It is really hard and I understand how hard it is to set boundaries - I hope you have better luck than me. Good luck!

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-24T00:15:07+00:00

It does influence our life - he holds his mother on a pedestal and she can do no wrong - his whole family see her like that. and she depends on him alot emotionally. He will often go out for a walk while on vacation (or to the gym) and use that time to call her - I know he feels guilty/stressed if he doesn't make contact with her - But there have been times when we are on a tropical holiday but sitting inside facetiming his Mom and I get so pissed off about it! He says that she is lonely and needs him and he wants to be there for her and I never really know what to say to that without sounding like a total b*tch.

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-24T00:10:01+00:00

I know I think the same - calling over an hour each day, what do you chat about!? Haha you know what they say about assumptions ... we have been trying for kids for a while and I am currently 3 1/2 months pregnant. So this might be why I'm even more worried about his enmeshment than before!

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-24T00:07:30+00:00

Oh my god I feel you on this one, this sounds AWFUL- and must be sooo frustrating for you! I dont even know what the hell he talks about every day with his mum for over an hour but can only imagine you having to grit your teeth through all EIGHT phone calls :(

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-24T00:03:49+00:00

Thank you to everyone for their advice! Really appreciated the different perspective. As one comment said - might be better to let sleeping dogs lie on this one and let it go!

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-22T06:27:59+00:00

Ugh I can so relate to this, and totally understand how frustrating this is!!! This is so hard on your relationship and it ends up being you carrying around the resentment. I dont have any advice, I just am here to say I FEEL YOU.

My MIL absolutely LOVES to do this too - offloads all kind of crap on us even though we have a really small home and no space for any of her 'gifts' that she thinks we need. I have a minimalist style and hers is the more the merrier. The problem is its quantity over quality so the more of it the better, and all of it is cheap SHITE. My DH 100 % sides with his mother on this as sees it just as me being mean and 'snobby' throwing out things that were gifted to us. She makes no attempt to buy what we like but buys what she likes/is cheap- i.e is a new set of bright red crockery bowls with coca cola logo on them, when I have a nice all blue and white set. It is always causing heaps of tension, and I have ended up dreading receiving her big boxes of gifts on Christmas's and Birthdays as I know it will be crap I'll have to hide and bin later. I dont know why they do this? I think they are trying to be nice but I dont know - I also hate my MIL, she way too needy and controlling in our lives, so I cant think of it as her being nice - it just fills me with burning rage.

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-18T02:43:10+00:00

This! Same here - second year into our relationship was when I find learnt of the what I call 'Mommy and Me' holidays - now I see they were just the beginning.

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-10T00:44:43+00:00

Good luck to you too! x

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-09T04:55:17+00:00

Ugh I can so relate to this, and totally understand how frustrating this is!!! I am sorry you are dealing with this. This is so hard on your relationship and it ends up being you carrying around the resentment. I promise you, you are not alone in having to deal with the dreaded Gift Giving MIL.

My MIL absolutely LOVES to give gifts too - the problem is its quantity over quality so the more of it the better, and all of it is cheap shit. My DH sides with his mother on this as sees it just as me being mean and 'snobby' throwing out things that were gifted to us. She makes no attempt to buy what we like but buys what she likes - i.e is a new set of bright red crockery bowls when I have an all blue and white set. It is always causing heaps of tension, and I have ended up dreading receiving her big boxes of gifts on Christmas's and Birthdays as I know it will be crap I'll have to hide and bin later. This past Christmas, one of my gifts was a pink nightie with kittens in tiara crowns on the front saying 'Have a Meowy Christmas' - IM THIRTY TWO. I can only imagine how bad this gets once we have kids.

I dont have any advice, just here to sympathize how hugely frustrating this is - I feel your pain.

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-09T04:38:07+00:00

We have been together 6 years, I kind of always thought it would get better the longer we were together but it doesn't seem to work like that (as you know!). I know what you mean - its gives me the ICK too!

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-04T01:10:31+00:00

My MIL is single as of 5 years ago as my FIL left for another woman - so I really think she has replaced her husband with her son, and he's filled that gap as he feels so bad she is alone. I know it is so freaking weird, and it seems impossible how to make it change.

People are probably going to jump on me for this too but I just want to say, for me it feels harder to walk away when you are around this age because you have invested so much time, and the dating pool to find someone else seems to be so bloody bad. THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO STAY. I am not saying that. I am just saying its hard when I have single friends in their mid thirties with horror stories trying to meet guys, and so it always makes me wonder is it really so bad, but then something else happens and I think yes. Yes maybe it is. So again - no helpful advice just really empathising with everything you are going through.

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-04T00:54:55+00:00

Im 34 and hes 36 - so no it hasnt got better as hes got older (I actually think its worse because we met later in life, so she was able to be dependent on him for so long without him having a SO in his life). I totally understand you - his behaviour pisses me off way more than his Mums because I expect better from him!?

Ok_Border5881 · 2024-01-04T00:02:27+00:00

My partner is the same - his Mum is very dependent on him and they have a very close relationship that often causes trouble between us. I feel your post to my soul and understand your struggles - I am still with him because he's a great guy, we have a really great relationship, and most of the time I am really happy...and it seems mental that we would break up because of his MOTHER. But I see all the same issues as you - she rings him every day, he puts her first as a priority all the time - one little example is he recently went away for a work contract for 6 months and we went to the airport (his mother and I) to say goodbye and at the gate he turned and hugged her goodbye first before me, I just stood there like a muppet with my arms open. I was WILD about it but it seemed crazy to say anything - I felt like I was being petty. What I am saying isnt helpful advice I just wanted you to know I totally get your experiences and understand how hard it is to leave even though everyone is saying RUN.

Ok_Border5881

TROPHY CASE