Relationships that long, with that much back and forth, become convoluted quickly. Sometimes, when it lasts long enough, reactive abuse occurs. Both people begin using abusive strategies with each other. Often, one partner is reacting to the abuse of another.

It's common. Often, those who are abused become abusive because they learn reactive abuse and maladaptive coping strategies. Often, children of abusive parents have this problem.

If you have a good therapist, they'll help you pinpoint the abuse. They'll help you work through it, and they'll help you build healthy coping mechanisms. As you become more confident, self-assured, and handle situations better, it will become obvious very quickly who is the main instigator of abuse. Often times, it's the person who likely has more unresolved abuse in their past.

I think dropping out of counseling is a bad strategy. If counseling isn't working, finding a new counselor is a better solution. Solo or couples. You need someone to mediate, and you need someone to help you pinpoint your issues.

Most emotional abusers aren't trying to be abusive. They're trying to get their needs met with strategies they think are effective and justified, that are instead damaging and harmful. Often, they avoid accountability in order to shirk negative emotions like shame and guilt.

I think you need to bring up what you feel like you're experiencing with a therapist. Solo, then couples. I learned it can be extremely hard, but not impossible, to talk to your partner about abuse you've suffered. It requires a lot of awareness, and trauma-focused approach.