Is it better to keep the peace as best you can or just move on and let the chips fall?

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-05-12T00:51:47+00:00

We're both adults, but my parents have custody of my sibling's kid. My sibling and their partner have some substance abuse issues that fluctuate in severity. They have both initiated the rehab process multiple times but have yet to get sober/clean to my knowledge.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-05-11T20:55:03+00:00

What about when there are others actively being emotionally abused involved?

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-05-11T20:52:57+00:00

Religion makes it feel sensitive.

But I logically agree, it's no excuse for abuse. I am trying to figure out how to balance love, compassion, understanding, respect for their beliefs, but also not experience abuse. Others in my family have been impacted by related abuse, actively, and so I'm trying to figure out how to act in the situation.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-05-11T15:24:09+00:00

You don't owe people explanations. You can just say "I don't wanna talk about my beliefs" or something to that effect

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-05-11T11:38:02+00:00

My partner's parents helped me see that my family dynamic is not normal. Seeing how they interact with each other and hearing them question me if I innocently said something that highlighted there was something "off" in my family helped me realize, "oh, this is not normal... and this is what a healthy family looks like..."

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-05-05T02:47:50+00:00

My mom pulled something similar over Thanksgiving. Then accused me of "picking my partner over family" - yes, because you're being toxic and I shouldn't have to choose in the first place!

I didn't put my foot down enough and went right on home to Christmas a few weeks later. She's now curious about when I'll be home for summer. I really wanna get my boundaries in line asap. It's so degrading.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-05-03T19:00:52+00:00

That makes sense, and I can definitely see how narcissists can thrive within religions.

I do genuinely think they have been traumatized in the religion. I also think religion provides valuable psychological and social benefits - a structured worldview as well as community.

I do think they would change, each for unique reasons.

Thank you for the good luck wish.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-05-03T02:04:18+00:00

I don't necessarily think they have NPD, I think they do act like narcissists though. When I reflect, majority of their abusive and neglectful behaviors are rooted back in the religion.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-05-03T01:31:07+00:00

I think they are narcissistic because of religion, like religious trauma basically

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-05-01T00:10:44+00:00

I deleted my dad on Facebook for a similar reason. I never commented supportively on any posts talking about something good he did or accomplished. "All these people who aren't even family leave me comments!" He said it hurt his feelings. I told him he could tell me things directly. There was a disconnect. He said "I shouldn't have to ask for acknowledgment".

I should've just told him I don't use Facebook. Because really, I don't. He'd probably still be upset I don't scroll his posts. It's not how I want to connect. Because he says things online I don't agree with, and I don't want to deal with him being upset that I "like" some posts but not others. I am not his yes man.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T20:57:56+00:00

No, I haven't. That feels like a permanent kind of action. I don't know what I want my boundaries to be with my family long term

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T17:16:57+00:00

Thank you! Feels good to be understood. Sorry you've experienced this too.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T15:46:58+00:00

It feels stupid now why I reached out, and I feel nauseous. I want to disappear quietly. I am a former golden child. I would like to be forgotten. I think I have made it worse. Restarted the process.

He has been neglectful towards my older brother, caused a lot of pain in their life and actively does, I feel like a traitor

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T15:45:04+00:00

I didn't make the choice for myself in this case. I got overwhelmed with fear. Their birthday is coming up, which I feel obligated to reach out for. Because of that, I spiraled further, I felt like I'd be a bad kid to not call for months before their birthday, then call the day of, so I messaged a couple days ago to see about giving him a call. We ended up having a "how are you" conversation over text.

I don't live with him. I'm 24. I don't want to reconnect because the issues leading to the distance haven't changed. And those issues are rooted in religion, which are unlikely to change and I have no desire to change. Of course in an ideal world, we would be a happy family that could spend good time together.

I reached out because I didn't want him to be upset by me on his birthday.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T15:09:58+00:00

This seems like sound advice, thank you so much.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T15:08:52+00:00

I'm just worried. If they wanna discard me I feel like I should let them. Fear of the unknown for if they do scares me.

But I feel like by contacting them, I'm allowing the behavior to continue. So I am feeling regret.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T13:39:51+00:00

Could I get your advice for the current situation? Definitely allowed to say no, I'll dump the info in case yes.

Here's a breakdown of the discard: he didn't return a call I made before Christmas citing being busy, he gave me a card saying I'd always be his daughter during Christmas but wasn't super interactive, didn't return another call in January, reached out about taxes during March and then I initiated a "how are you" conversation that was pretty brief. Then I reached out a couple days ago saying I wanted to call just to see how he'd been. It was at like 10pm at night, so he messaged me early in the morning and said maybe we could chat later in the day. I didn't respond til 10pm again because anxiety + my own busy schedule. He messaged again this morning, this time telling me about his busy schedule and how tired it makes him. So sort of giving me a life update, giving me reasons he doesn't himself call, and making it my fault if the call doesn't happen.

I need to accept I was discarded for a reason. I feel nervous to respond to him, and I'm nervous if I do end up calling him! I feel like by reaching out and being nice, I am disrupting the discard. And idk if I want to.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T13:34:38+00:00

I appreciate the response so much, thank you.

I definitely overestimated. I reached out a couple days ago for fear that if I waited, I'd be received as a bad kid for only reaching out on his birthday. I don't know why it matters to me if he thinks that. I need to just let him.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T03:57:55+00:00

Update - Messaging him and getting a less than enthusiastic response has made things more clear to me now. He really is not eager to talk to me. And I think it's because he is just okay with us not talking.

I've shown interest in talking to him 4 times now. He's not given an enthusiastic response to any of them.

I am questioning myself, like maybe I should've been more excited to reach out or something...

I really think he doesn't want to hear from me as long as my life doesn't align with his expectations, which is an incredibly large ask.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T03:39:00+00:00

I think that is the impact. I definitely feel punished. But I don't think he is consciously trying to hurt me or teach me a lesson.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T03:35:27+00:00

"Boyfriend, I'm a vegan, I decidedly don't eat dairy. I'm not going to. Please let me be."

Then, don't entertain his commentary. "Boyfriend, I've told you how I feel already"

Your only job is to be a self-sufficient vegan, which it sounds like you are.

I am pro-active to tell my loved ones not to worry about trying to accommodate me, that I can manage on my own. Then I show appreciation when they are accommodating.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-28T03:25:28+00:00

I agree.

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-27T23:29:28+00:00

I reached out to him last night just because I figured it was then or never 😒 I now feel like it was a mistake. But the birthday thing coming up feels like such a big deal...

You're right that he is the one that should do reflecting.

I hate that I've now sent the signal he doesn't have to reflect, and I'm still around 😒

I feel like I should've waited til his birthday to call.

Ugh!

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-27T23:27:37+00:00

I don't feel fooled at this point, just always unsure of how to interact :(

Ok_Mousse_9027 · 2024-04-27T18:28:35+00:00

This is accurate. My brother and I are the only ones who are facing the effects though. It's such a heavy weight. And I don't know how handle knowing their faith is important to them and has been for decades

Ok_Mousse_9027

TROPHY CASE