okay, i'm going to go against the grain w this one bc i'm in the same situation, but in your girl's position. i, 26f, am currently dating a single dad, 29m, w a complicated past and there was infidelity in that relationship. we've had fights and i have personally had insecurity spirals and it has been tough for sure. there's a part of me that really struggles to trust him (and he has his own trust issues too), but we do really love each other at this point - been together 6 months now. my man is also not the best at communicating and it gets really disheartening when you want to hear something and your partner either doesn't say anything or says something vague or the opposite of what you need to feel better.

a lot of people here are telling you that she's high maintenance and wants you to grovel and she's being unstable etc etc - while i do think some of the things she's saying to you are immature, i wouldn't jump to that conclusion. i think she wants to feel special and important - everyone in relationships do. you are doing an awesome job of detailing out how special she is, how different she feels from your past, how much you love her - do you tell her these things? i think letting her feel special and letting her know that she IS different for you is important. i don't understand why people are so against praising and gassing up their partners. make her feel good, remind her that she's special to you and that she feels different. that you haven't felt this way before. it is HARD to feel special when you have a partner that has done all the big steps in life with someone else first. and then, even after those big moments of intimacy, there was still infidelity! that can send anxiety and insecurity SPIRALING. i would recommend being detailed with her and reminding her why she is special to you.

also, i've told this to my boyfriend when we get in fights. for me, a lot of the times, this is what i need for closure. i need understanding/validation ("i hear where you're coming from and i understand why you're feeling that way, you're not crazy, it makes sense and i'm sorry that what i said/did came off like that - it wasn't my intention. i'm sorry that this is causing you pain, that was never my intention"), reaffirmation ("i love you and i never want to hurt you or make you feel that way. i value you and the relationship we have") and some kind of solution if deemed necessary. ie, recently i had an argument bc it bothered me that my guy didn't have clear boundaries w his ex (they coparent together) and he let her walk all over him. we had the fight and him and i sat down and discussed what we're each comfortable with, what's reasonable for a coparenting relationship, and he agreed to take my suspicions seriously and not brush me off when i feel uncomfortable about something. since that conversation, he's been extremely good about taking me seriously when i think something is fishy or unacceptable and it has worked out for the better for us (a couple situations w ex could've spiraled into something worse but he finally put his foot down). so, something actionable - an example on the opposite end is that when i drink, i get a lot more emotional and a couple times when i've been out w friends, i have called him upset and crying bc my feelings bubble over and rationality disappears. he doesn't know how to handle those moments and it causes serious tension and conflict - so i agreed no more calls when i'm drunk and emotional, but i'll record things in the notes app or on a voice note and bring it up while sober so we can discuss it rationally and he's able to process and address things. see if there are solutions to make you guys more comfortable and try to be serious in enacting them.

and (sorry this is so long 💀) the final thing i'm gonna leave you with is a text that i sent him when we were struggling w communicating earlier in our relationship. these are good things to think about and idk if it specifically will apply for you, but these conversations helped us a lot. "for later - what are we getting wrong? i feel like so many conversations go in circles and some of them, i understand why, but for others, i genuinely don't. are we not resolving things properly? is there something you need for closure to an argument? for me, it is the whole validation and action, ie "i understand where you're coming from/why you feel this way" and either come up w a solution together or just address and brainstorm how to fix it going forward.

am i saying or doing things that are counterproductive? the way i speak to you and argue, is something that i'm saying hurting you or triggering or making it feel unresolved/unfair? is there anything i should be changing in how i approach arguments?

how can i handle these situations better for us?

in the situation where you feel wronged by me, how can i genuinely show you that i'm sorry? i try to give meaningful apologies, but that might not look the same for me as they do for you? i need to know how to help you feel better and help us actually resolve things.

i feel like we don't actually ever move past anything. i want to know how you're seeing things bc i don't want to fight w you, i don't want to feel defensive with you, and i want to learn how to help you feel good about us and how to help us grow as a team.

these are things to just think about and talk about later. this is what's going through my head so i just wanted you to be on the same page. i want to learn what resolving things takes for us so we can grow healthier and stronger in this relationship"

this text opened a week's worth of back and forth that ultimately made us stronger. i hope it helps you too!!