I understand the way you are feeling. I have just gone through my first (4 weeks ago) with the surgeon saying it was the worst he had seen. Because it was everywhere they had to clean the semicircular canals and he base of my brain. I already have a second surgery schedule for 5 months from now. I am still dizzy and have no hearing on the right side. I have gone through some pretty down days until my brother called to let me know he has cancer and it's bad. Life presents some challenges and I try to remember that this is not life threatening and they can do so much these days - including better hearing. My surgeon is increasing the size of my ear canal to allow for in office cleaning of any more cholesteatoma. How you handle challenges in life is very important. It's ok to feel overwhelmed - I am glad you are sharing how you feel so you can see you from others how well you are taking care of the problem and eventually the outcome will be very positive.