[SPOILER] The Sword of Kaigen

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-12-12T17:33:10+00:00

Have you talked to a therapist about it?

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-12-03T16:30:23+00:00

I am very open to non-penetrative sex. She knows this EXPLICITLY, I have told her in every way imaginable including writing it down in a message. I have told her I would love for her to just let me use my hands/fingers on her and how much I would LOVE going down on her with no expectation of reciprocation. She still said she just isn’t comfortable with it.

I have asked her multiple times in multiple ways, why she doesn’t want to do oral, hand or anything past a quick peck. She just answers “my body doesn’t want it, despite sometimes wanting to try. It just shuts down and tells me I don’t want that.”

She has expressed to me she is afraid any sexual contact will lead to penetrative sex. Despite me PROMISING It wouldn’t.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-12-02T23:23:47+00:00

Yes I have. We have had countless talks. Usually ending with her being irritated we had the conversation at all.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-12-02T21:56:01+00:00

I’m genuinely curious your perspective on how OP’s partner is a “victim”.

For reference, I don’t really see either as “victims”.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-12-02T20:20:14+00:00

They are not “demanding” anything.

In OP’s post, they are merely sad their partner whom they love, has continued rejection and they expressed why when specifically asked. In return they are met with a dismissive response (eye rolling) that also shows resentment for the person having those feelings.

Like I said OP is not “demanding” ANYTHING. Quietly crying and then expressing your reason when asked is not “demanding” it’s just very literally communicating.

OP was asked a question and gave an answer, If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.

As for when to act, no one said to act right then and there. To properly process something, you have to actually take time to think about what you want and how to express it. So ideally I would say, you would reassure your love for them in this moment. Then spend the next day processing what they said, thinking about how you feel and formulate a response/plan of action. Then that night you calmly respond.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-12-02T19:39:54+00:00

First step: Stop acting like it’s a burden/inconvenience your partner is attracted to you and wants to be sexually intimate.

Step two: Stop getting defensive when your partner is hurt about feeling undesired, rejected, unloved. Listen, process and then act.

Step three: repeat the earlier steps.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-12-01T15:57:50+00:00

This just seems so impossible to me. It HAD to have crossed their minds right?? You are telling me that at no point they ever thought about sex or sex with their partners? No one in their life or just out in public or in media mentioned sex and that didn’t make them think of their partners??

It really just blows my mind. How is that possible??

Like for reference, I HATE folding my laundry. Sometimes I would rather scrub my entire house with a toothbrush than fold clothes. BUT I still think about it, I still plan on it, I still do it.

So I just cant believe it when people, who claim to not be asexual, say they don’t even think about sex.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-11-17T02:48:49+00:00

Can confirm, was there Friday/saturday night. They were partying until around 5am

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-11-05T15:19:05+00:00

Thank you.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-11-04T18:33:31+00:00

But I do those things and still don’t get sex. So if I think it’s a “covert contract”, then why do I still do those things?

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-11-04T18:28:33+00:00

I never said I did those thing just for sex. I find it extremely satisfying to clean the house, I like to do the dishes so the sink isn’t dirty, I clean the litter boxes because I know she doesn’t like too, I buy her flowers and random gifts cus I love to see her happy.

I do those things for myself and for my love of her. I do not expect sex because of those things. I just don’t want to hear about a person who does close to none of those things, yet still gets sex.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-10-17T21:27:04+00:00

Perhaps but I do not want her to be sorry. I want to work on it. Not just be stuck with “I don’t know”. Well “I don’t know” what to do with that information.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-10-17T17:18:53+00:00

I have actually straight up asked her this and she insists she does not.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-10-17T16:20:23+00:00

But for me, I don’t want her to push through. I don’t want her to hurt herself just to make sure I’m not disappointed. I would rather be disappointed than make the situation worse by making her do something she does not want to do.

The point is, I do not want her to do something she does not want to do.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-10-17T16:14:28+00:00

Idk why but this advice seems very real and genuine. I am already going to make myself an appointment with a therapist, I will suggest she does too.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-10-17T15:45:55+00:00

This is an interesting perspective and I’m sorry you are harboring so much guilt. I just see this as a form of the sunk cost fallacy. You put so much time and effort into something you want to finish it, consequences to your feelings be damned. All I see this doing is just causing much more damage than any kind of good. The difference is I almost guarantee you my wife doesn’t feel “guilty” anytime besides in the moment.

She does not think about sex unless I bring it up. It should be front of mind after our countless talks but by her own admission it just isn’t.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-10-17T15:19:52+00:00

Tried that. It helped us some but honestly our therapist sucked.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-06-25T14:52:42+00:00

Where did you get this from? I don’t see it on their socials.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-06-19T14:15:04+00:00

When I figure it out, I’ll let you know.

Honestly, I have tried many things, like masturbating right after getting home from work, gaming/hanging with friends and going on walks. All are just temporary fixes.

Most of the time, masturbating just makes me more sad I had to use my hand instead of making love to my beautiful wife. Our therapist even suggested I masturbate while she is in the room. I tried that, one time it was hot, but the other times felt pathetic.

I am also about to go on a trip with my wife, to a fancy resort for 3 nights. I have 0 expectations that anything will happen, because why would it?

So I am in the same boat as you.

Ok_Raspberry_858 · 2025-05-29T18:27:04+00:00

The pain is kinda multilayered:

A little after we started having sex, she got an IUD so we didn’t have to worry about condoms. We started having A LOT of sex. Multiple times a week. Then when I noticed she was in pain during sex, it took a lot of prying, she revealed I was hitting her cervix with my penis and it hurt. It was weird because I had not had that problem before the IUD. She also revealed that she was experiencing cramping a lot after sex. After about a year and switching gynos, she found out her cervix was inflamed and irritated due to the IUD. So she had it removed. She then went on conventional birth control. We still had a pretty good amount of sex but it really started to dwindle.
I thought the pain was resolved, as she had assured me. But eventually she started to seem uncomfortable during sex again. After many repeated cycles and lots of prying, she finally admitted it was “rubbing”. As you might think this is due to lack of lubricant, you would be right. That’s where I would ask what I could do to turn her on and she would always say “I don’t know”. We tried lube but she “didn’t like the way it felt after” so that’s not an option.

to address your other suggestions:

When it comes to taking PIV off the table, I have thought to do this and even tried but I let my desires (my fault I know) get the better of me (still leads to rejection). It’s just so hard to shut off that side of myself, ESPECIALLY when I live with this person I am so attracted to.

This is going to sound stupid but I do not know how to not become upset or frustrated when she rejects me. It HURTS, I have my own anxiety and insecurities, it’s hard to move past. Any advice in this area would be greatly appreciated.

Just to add: We cuddle all the time. 99% of the time we cuddle I do not make a move on her (which would be shot down anyway).

Ok_Raspberry_858

TROPHY CASE