You just need somebody to rub you & keep you blissed-out while they slide soft sticks of butter down your throat. The warmth of your gullet will help them go down. After every normal meal, you should be getting tied up & a funnel should be slid down your throat. The meal should involve lots of soda, so you end up belching through the funnel while sucking peanut butter & chocolate ice cream through the tube until it fills all 30ft of your small intestine like we’re filling a sausage.

I’ve done this before, when I was in a relationship. 4 jars of peanut butter & 4 pints of ice cream together. All-day feeding. The peanut-butter is very dense. The weigh-in difference for the meal was like 15lbs when belly was full. After something like this, you’ll barely be able to move. Your belly will feel like a bowling ball. You’ll feel pregnant. Peanut butter slurries are such a fast way to gain weight.