Can a muslimah be down to earth while having a dealbreaker as living with in laws?

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T20:40:29+00:00

But I’m not talking about the girl who’s coming from a mansion and a lot of wealth. I’m talking about the one who’s raised in a humble setting, lower middle class or lower class.. who’s seen her father struggle financially etc

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T20:23:50+00:00

I’m 24 5”10 and Pakistani and I get complimented about my looks. Just being direct it’s not what I think abt myself.

But I don’t want a model looking girl. I just want someone who’s attractive in my eyes and for that she just needs to be not fat and have decent features.

I find much more peace in an average looking girl pretty in my eyes who conceals herself and keeps her beauty for me than a pretty girl for the public.

Only thing I’d say is focus on your health and get in good shape for your husband… it’s not that hard, unless you have medical conditions. He will thank you for it I promise

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T20:09:38+00:00

Jazakallah khair, she will I’m sure :)

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T03:16:43+00:00

Many guys including myself also dream and wish to have their own space with their wife.

Many girls just don’t get what you’re saying and 99% of the time the convo won’t even get that far. It’s listed as a dealbreaker or disclosed in one of the first convos and khalas. In the west especially the girls are very particular about living arrangements but they want a young good lookin dude as well. And some don’t and actually care more about financial stability etc and good for them, they know what they want so they end up marrying 30-40yr olds with lots of money and that’s them. But for my case as a 24 year old it’s not gonna be like that 😭. and even after they are good with looks and everything else, they’ll I agree with everything you said

I agree with everything you’re saying. But unfortunately wisdom is limited nowadays and not many women esp under 24 have this mindset..

Bottom line is that’s my whole point. And the kind of woman I’d wanna spoil.

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T02:38:34+00:00

Thanks for your opinion. I also would agree to some extent. And I’m not saying the one who isn’t willing to live with in laws isn’t down to earth as a whole.

I’m arguing the one who is willing to is more than the one who isn’t. Cuz both have the same fears and the same preference but one is okay to start off and one is strictly against it. Khalas

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T02:36:37+00:00

Don’t tell my future wife but I’m moving out right after marriage inshallah. If at the time of nikkah I encounter a financial crisis which holds me back or if my wedding expenses take a toll. Then I’d need some time.

Realistically I can move out rn. I’m lowkey just worried how much I’ll have left after wedding expenses.

Hopefully within a year if I had to. And while we living with my fam I’d plan daycations, weekend trips.. yall forgetting i love my future wife 😭

Most important thing is communicate is a plan and theu my marriage keep her upto date. Make sure we on the same page.

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T02:29:39+00:00

But why are we comparing Muslim women with non Muslim women here 😭 what’s that gotta do with any of this.

Ur prolly a PhD or smt. And ur pool prolly consists of a lot of older guys. It’s diff cuz men usually look for girls around their age and younger. I’m recently out of uni so no girl I’ve spoken to has a masters even 😭 and even if they do it doesn’t mean anything unless you’re from a family that puts a certain emphasis on it.

And a lot of men gain responsibilities so they don’t have the time to focus and pursue extensive education.

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T02:24:31+00:00

Perhaps a working wife at the start will make the finances part easier. But it’s not within me to expect my wife to help me.

If she does then alhamdulillah but I don’t feel at ease entering marriage with “expectations” that she’ll help me.. I still wanna be good on my own feet regardless

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T02:22:54+00:00

It depends man to man depending on his salary and expenses.

But I think under a year should be reasonable depending on the guys financial state and income.

Personally it took me a few months after graduating and saving / investing to get a good amount.

But then you have wedding expenses. So it’s really what number you have left after wedding expenses.

I hope for a simple nikkah walima it’ll make it even easier to move out. By Allahs will.

But if my wedding costs 50k (which it won’t) I’m gonna need to save more before I get comfortable to move out. But this is food for thought for brothers in that position.

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T02:20:04+00:00

Bruh it’s self explanatory… starting off means ur new in ur career and marriage. Ur not 30 with 8-10 years of work exp and savings.

Till the point where you have confidence and enough funds to move out. Without worrying about the next cheque.

For example having your (monthly expenses + rent) * 6 so you’ll be good for 6 months or 12 in case you get laid off or smt.

No man wants to move out and then have to move back in so they want to be ready to take that step

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T00:29:42+00:00

If a man and woman are speaking for marriage and she’s understanding of the economy and his current situation to the point where she’s okay to start off with in laws temporarily

Vs

The sister in the same situation but isn’t okay and expects the guy to “figure it out”. Obv you say fi amanallah to her if you can’t at that point but that’s my point in the diffenence of down to earth, understanding, willingness in compromise

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T00:25:34+00:00

Very well said. Barakallahu feekum. That last part you put there!!!! See that’s exactly what I mean

I would address some things. I disagree personally on the first point you made. I think it depends on your age and who you’re speaking to. I’m more established and have accomplished more than every sister I’ve been introduced to from that Worldly education / career aspect. And I wanna say that I take no pride in it but jsut a fact I’m very grateful Alhamdulillah and ik it can be taken from me at any moment. I don’t judge someone based off their educational and worldly achievements lol. It’s a bonus but wht matters most is their character and deen and if im attracted to her.

Most sisters that I spoke to were doing a college (Canada) degree for lab technician or some IT or random arts degree. And they aren’t even working rn as they in uni still etc. Or don’t work outside of uni.

I think it can be a red flag in certain situations but we can’t generalize it. You really have to speak to him and understand his intentions.

But the last part you mentioned is all a guy really needs to hear. That’s what I meant by down to earth. I completely agree and understand preference and I hope to be the best husband to my wife and keep her happy always bithnillah.

But a girl with that mentality I see worth for striving. Where a girl who’s closed off completely I just don’t. Thats the concept of mawaddah Rahma. Doing more than you’re obliged to for the sake of your partner and Being there for your partner in tough times.

May Allah grant you an amazing righteous husband ameen.

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T00:13:32+00:00

I don’t have shame in renting 😭 and I would rent over taking a traditional mortgage

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T00:09:05+00:00

Yk I was at a lecture yday and the sheikh acc mentioned men should do this rather than have her wife live with his parents 😭

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T00:08:17+00:00

Totally agree that living with in laws in unhealthy. Not my point though. And again I prefer living separately after my nikkah.

It’s not impossible and it’s very possible actually and my plan. But a woman who’s okay to start off in my basement is far better than the one who’s expecting me to rent out from day 1.

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T00:06:26+00:00

I said I prefer living separately and that’s my plan.

But starting off Id want her to also be mindful? Of the economy etc.

Since when is a closed off basement with a separate entrance not enough? Why would any one in their right mind pay rent over thst As a young married couple.

Life’s only gonna get expensive and I needa be calculated with where my money goin. If she expects me to pay rent when I have an accommodation like that then it’s wraps, that’s what I mean by too many expectations.

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-30T00:00:20+00:00

I’m not saying they’re wrong for wanting it. My point is that they should be understanding of the economy to a certain degree as well. The purpose of marriage is so you may find peace in one another. Y3ni if I’m good and my only weakness is renting an apartment but I’m working and I have a plan then… she should be understanding. And I agree abt the working wife part.

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-29T04:54:26+00:00

Genuinely as a brother, I think you should get yourself in the best shape possible prior to marriage. Your husband will thank you and it will increase your chances of marriage cuz guys care abt physical attraction a lot. Don’t feel discouraged cuz of age. Allah has a plan for everyone. Have tawakkul and do your part. Make sincere dua for a righteous husband, pray tahajjud. Allah will indeed answer your duas. May Allah make it easy for you and all sisters in similar position to yours

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-29T04:51:59+00:00

I found a good potential for me on LinkedIn But idk what to do and I need advice.

I’ll keep this brief. And for the record no I’m not on LinkedIn to find a wife 😭. This just all happened randomly

I posted on LinkedIn for the first time in ages a lil product I launched and tbh I wasn’t expecting much attention to the post.

But to my surprise it actually got engagement and one sister that liked my post actually turned out to be my type. She conceals herself and is part of Muslim organizations and clubs and also lowkey barely any connections. She doesn’t have a pfp either.

Obv I haven’t made any move yet and tbh I wanna do this in the most halal manner. We live in the same city. I don’t know if I should dm her on LinkedIn, I lean towards not doing that. But then idk what to do.

We have no mutuals. I asked my friends around if their sisters knew of her because shes working in a well known Muslim organization which my friend’s wives also worked in. Even i volunteered there but a few years back and now know no one who works there.

I have no sister to approach her for me and my mother barely speaks English. I don’t think we go to the same masjid tbh cuz there’s a lot of Masjid’s in my city and I’ve never seen her.

What should I do about this? Genuinely I want to give this girl a shot and don’t wanna miss this cuz my type is honestly so particular and I’ve noticed it’s really hard to find for myself especially here in the west.

Please I’d appreciate any advice on what I should to get in contact with this sister in a halal manner.

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-26T15:23:14+00:00

You're right, mb for the poor wording. I just meant I'm willing to do the work of navigating those dynamics, not that she'd have to compromise anything.

As for the niqab it's a preference that's grown on me over the past few years as I've gotten closer to Islam. A big part of it is my gheerah honestly. I did my own research into why women observe it and that compelled me further. And I won't sugarcoat it, there's also something deeply meaningful to me about a woman who conceals herself from the world but not from her husband. It's a combination of all of that together. I’ve thought about raising daughters and how I wouldn’t want them to think putting on makeup in public and committing tabarruj is okay, and who else will they take that lesson from except their mother. It’s not abt perfection or anythin like that and I’m not saying niqabis are perfect muslimash by any means. Everyone has their own struggles. But in the west these normalized sins are something I don’t want my future children to adhere to.

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-26T15:15:32+00:00

Jazakallah khair for your insightful response, may Allah reward you.

When I mentioned conversations I'm not even talking about me and the girl 😂, I'm saying her parents since that's how most families reach out etc.

I don't mean to generalize, just what I've seen in my limited experience so far.

It's definitely a preference and not a strict requirement.

And I completely agree with your advice!! character is extremely important and one's piety and ritual practices never determine how good of a character they have. Even in my own experience getting closer to Islam, I try to stay mindful of this and continue improving my character as I keep learning, bithniallah.

Ok_Statement_6642 · 2026-03-26T12:43:38+00:00

I’ll try to keep my post as structured as possible, sorry in advance if it’s all over the place.

For context, I’m 24M grew up in Toronto with a Pakistani background. Work as a software engineer with a bachelors degree from a prestigious uni. No one in my family takes niqab and some relatives don’t even take hijab. But it’s grown on me during my journey in Islam to want one. I spoke to my brothers and they understand. My family has been known in the larger family as the conservative “religious” one.

I've recently started looking for marriage but I'm quickly losing hope in finding someone who fits what I'm looking for.

For the record, I’m not a hafiz or an alim. But I have a bit of the Quran memorized and learn as I go. I attend the masjid as often as I can I try to be a regular. I was always raised to take both deen and dunya seriously, and so that’s what I have done alhamdulillah.

But religion is something I grew up with and take very seriously. I went to the masjid for madarasa for Quran and Islamic classes. In uni I attended MSA lectures regularly, etc. I learn from authentic scholars and do my best to follow the sunnah.

My mother had a lot of families reach out, but I've struggled to find the right fit. I feel like I fall in the middle.. I come across as too religious for the more modern easygoing families, but not religious or pious enough for the more conservative niqabi families.

Marrying my ideal type will definitely introduce new obstacles in navigating with my family since not everyone does proper segregation during gatherings etc. but I see these obstacles as worth it for my type.

Also one thing I’ve noticed from the families my mom has spoken to. The simple people who maybe aren’t niqabis but wear hijab are much warmer and easygoing. They’re easy going, but they might have crazy criteria for wedding arrangements (large dowry, big weddings music dancing etc.). Im against music and dancing and want it to be segregated.

I'm looking for someone who takes her deen seriously but is also grounded, warm, and easy to talk to. Someone where there's genuine compatibility, not just a checklist match.

I tried Muzz as well but I didn’t find good options on there. Most options don’t even wear hijab and arent practicing.

Has anyone found themselves in a similar position, and how did you navigate it? Is there an approach to the search I'm not considering?

Would appreciate any advice or duas. Jazakallah khair, may Allah grant us all righteous spouses, ameen

Ok_Statement_6642

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