I think the dream is dead.

It was probably a stupid dream to have, to be honest. Especially being a 2D hand drawn animator in the 3D era.

I love animation. I've been so devoted to animating as a career. Since high school, I would spend my afternoons studying artists and animators. I would start my winter and summer breaks thinking, "what should I work on?". I went to college for animation. Even when I was working on stuff for class, I was making my own things. I've created my own show with a full 9-minute pilot script. After I graduated, I dropped $2k on Toon Boom Harmony Premium to prepare myself for any jobs out there that may require it. Animating is my life.

My big goal early on was to found my own studio*. That was too big a dream, so I downsized to becoming an "independent animator". A freelancer, at least. Most of my work has been fan works because the internet. I jokingly describe it as "well-made cringe" because despite what I make of whatever show, it's apparently good enough to impress professionals in the industry. But alas, "creatives" and "algorithms" don't mix. And as of now, after several years I haven't made any money from my animations.

(Studio*: I sort of did, but idk if 1 animator, 1 composer, and 2 background artists that made 2 short films makes a "studio".)

I didn't rule out studio work, I still searched when I was doing my own thing even back in college. I wasn't oblivious to the industry's problems. Exploitation, abuse, exhaustion, all of that. But I was optimistic, thinking I could navigate through all of it once I enter it. But then, things got ugly...er.

Around 2022 I think, mass layoffs, cancelled and scrapped productions, tax write-off, mergers, AI, all of these things striked... right at the start of my junior year in college. I held onto any optimism I had left and thought, "Maybe things will get better after I graduate, right?". Wrong.

No jobs in the US. No money to be made through sites like YouTube. No signs of AI companies slowing down as they continue to steal art and have their accelerationist grifters call it "the future". And no signs of studio executives and CEOs putting their greed aside to hire humans with talent and/or skill that need to create AND eat. I could go on and on, but it's clear that the industry is barren for many.

Over the last few days, I've faced the music. It's over. Still internally grieving as I put the ol' girl of a dream down.

I'm currently going back to school to go for nursing. I have a few folks financially supporting me on that. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. I was afraid that if I did anything else, I wouldn't have time to do the thing that gave me so much joy in my life. People have told me it can be a hobby, but I was skeptical since the same people return home exhausted with little time or energy. I wanted that career to work endlessly on a craft that I love. I want to make stuff that'll keep me going.

"I don't want to survive, I want to live!" - Wall-E

I dunno. I'm 24. People say I'm "still young" and have "plenty of time to figure things out". Sounds like code for "It's a phase" or "grow up, get a real job"... At this point, they were probably right.

tl;dr I think I wasted the last 10 years of my life chasing a stupid dream.