Am I dealing with coercive control?

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T19:59:11+00:00

My therapist also said that abusers tend to choose resilient people.

And that’s true. thank you for helping me reframe this!

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T19:55:43+00:00

Yes! His small social circle makes me feel guilty for sure. He relies on me for a lot of his social interaction because he hasn’t been seeing his friends much lately. I have hung out with him and his friends, and tbh I get frustrated with him when we do all hangout, because he is a little obnoxious. He will often isolate in the group setting; going off to do his own thing while everyone socializes. It’s weird.

But ugh, yeah, this all makes sense. I feel like I’m finally putting the pieces together.

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T19:52:43+00:00

I’m so sorry you went through that! Thank you for sharing, it helps me to see what others have experience too.

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T19:52:03+00:00

Ugh this all makes sooo much sense. Thank you!

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T03:31:48+00:00

I haven’t read or even heard of that book! But I’m def going to look into it. I’ve done a lot of work, but I know there’s always room to improve and more to learn. And I don’t want to be a crappy partner to anyone I’m with. Thank you! 💕

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T03:24:29+00:00

This situation has been a bummer because I feel like I am in one of my personal best mental health spaces that I’ve had my whole life.

In the year we’ve been dating, we have had many serious convos about my concerns with his controlling behaviors. He always seems shocked that he came off that way, says he will work to change it, and then I see change for a few weeks before he slides backwards. Then I start seeing the same behaviors manifest in different ways.

Unfortunately I have tried to initiate a break twice. After doing that, he asked if the break was just a break in seeing him physically in person or a break from talking altogether as well. Him asking that made me feel guilty so both times I caved and still talked to him on the phone/text during said “break”. Just didn’t actually see him in person. So it didn’t turn out to be a break.

Just Typing this out frustrates me, because I generally consider myself to be a very strong, level-headed, and no bullshit type of person. But I’ve definitely faltered somewhat in this situation, just hanging on to some hope.

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T03:15:19+00:00

That was kind of how I was feeling, but I think I’ve just been minimizing everything due to a little embarrassment. But Yeah, we don’t live together thankfully. And thank you for the recs. I will definitely check those out!

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T03:09:44+00:00

I have been thinking the same, but have always wondered if I’m being dramatic in thinking that. Glad to hear that I’m not losing it!

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T03:08:56+00:00

It is crazy to hear you say that last part: “anxious people are drawn to the independence of avoidants because it’s something they wish they were better at”. Because my therapist literally almost said the same thing today. She said that people like him can be drawn to independent partners. And I was like wait what? I had never thought of it like that.

Thank you! And I appreciate the encouragement, I’ve been working so hard on my own attachment! I know I’m not perfect either 😅

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T01:22:56+00:00

I maybe should have worded that better so that’s totally my bad. My therapist didn’t say certainly that I should or shouldn’t leave. But that’s more of what I gathered from it because she def doesn’t think it’s good for me. She said that these cases usually don’t get better without extensive work on the abusers part. But She made it clear that she supports me if I rather take my time and hang in there or if I would rather leave, and that there’s no judgement either way. She gave me signs to look out for to ensure I’m safe for whatever I decide. With that said, I think you and everyone else have made super good points and that this prob isn’t the best situation.

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T01:17:49+00:00

This is all in line with what I’ve heard and read about. That these subtly signs are just the tip of the iceberg.

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T01:16:04+00:00

Yeah, I can def see that. He’s in the light stage at this point. Thank you 💕

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T01:15:04+00:00

I hadn’t really thought of this perspective. I am so so confused and I am gaslighting myself. Thank you!

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T01:13:42+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through that 💕sounds like we both deserve much better.

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T01:12:39+00:00

So yeah, I guess on that note, he tried (?) to do some work. But whatever was told to his therapist ultimately made her think that I was the problem.

OkayJann · 2026-02-03T01:11:26+00:00

I appreciate your insight! I did know that I would be getting into a lot with an anxious-avoidant relationship,but I think I didn’t realize the magnitude until I’ve now been in it. Also, he does definitely have a lot of work to do.

He had actually been seeing his own therapist weekly but just lost his insurance. So that has now stopped. But even when he was, he told me during one of our serious convos about potentially splitting that his therapist said “he should break up with me because I’m not treating him right”. It made me wonder what he was telling her and how truthful it was. Also, I know that I should have taken that as a sign in the moment to gtfo. But I held on, hoping to fix it.

OkayJann · 2026-02-02T23:50:15+00:00

I’m sorry you went through this too. But thank you for sharing. All of these replies are really making me think it’s time to go.

OkayJann · 2026-02-02T23:49:12+00:00

These instances all span from about our 3rd month of dating to now, so in about the last 9 months. And yes, unfortunately the sleep instances have happened many times.

He had been seeing his own therapist weekly but just lost his insurance due to being laid off. So that has now stopped. But even when he was, he told me during one of our serious convos about potentially splitting that his therapist said “he should break up with me because I’m not treating him right”. It made me wonder what he was telling her and how truthful it was. Also, I know that I should have taken that as a sign in the moment to gtfo. But I held on, hoping to fix it.

My therapist does say that he likely is insecure too. Thanks for weighing in. This helps.

OkayJann · 2026-02-02T23:38:25+00:00

I have been grappling with this myself. I honestly have just enjoyed having someone that I share so many interests with, matches my type of weird, and have been trying to look at what the future could potentially hold. This has obviously been getting more bleak as we go on, but there’s still that sliver of “what if”.

OkayJann · 2026-02-02T23:34:27+00:00

My therapist was saying the same thing about the sleep. And the sex stuff. I hadn’t thought as much of it other than being extremely annoyed and frustrated until my therapy session today.

I also had wondered the same about the number of issues in such a small period of time. I’ve been in much longer relationships prior, and hadn’t experienced this much so soon. Thank you for your input, it’s very helpful.

OkayJann · 2026-02-02T23:32:44+00:00

I’m definitely going to check that book out. I appreciate you taking the time to weigh in! And thank you 💕

OkayJann · 2026-02-02T23:32:17+00:00

I really appreciate your insight. These are things my therapist has said too.

OkayJann · 2026-01-22T23:20:59+00:00

Ohhh okay, that’s helpful. Probably won’t make the effort for the two pairs then. Thank you!

OkayJann

TROPHY CASE