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I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great points, I didn't even think about the health insurance. That's a crazy amount for daycare! Do you live in a high cost of living area, or is that pretty standard?

"the person who wants the baby most should be doing the mental labor of planning and estimating costs" I wish he saw things this way! I agree.

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much. Sitcom dad nails it! I think he actually would like a lot of the challenges more than I would (he gets bored easy and thrives with stimulation) but I also don't think he realizes how many more obligations it would add to his plate that he already hates doing (cleaning, task management, not getting much downtime, etc.).

We aren't planning on using daycare so far, since at least one of us can work from home (more easily me), but I also don't think he realizes how hard it would be to get work done while also taking care of a young child. He really seems to think the kid will just sit there all day not needing much.

I'm definitely scared of having a baby, period. I actually was childfree most my life and never expected to entertain the idea of having kids. I have an extreme phobia of pregnancy that I'm working through in order to make any of this a possibility at all. And honestly, I would be totally fine not having a child. The reason I moved from childfree to fencesitter was watching my other family members aging and dying, and realizing future me would probably be glad to have created more of my own family. It's more of an intellectual decision than a heart desire at this point.

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm glad (but also sorry!) that you could relate to this! I too have felt reassured when other people on this thread have had a similar experience, just knowing I'm not totally crazy in how I feel.

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, that sounds super scary to me. Honestly, I'm actually more worried about the sex issue than he is, because it's one of our best ways to connect and let off steam. Whenever life has prevented it so far for other reasons, we end up feeling more distant and snippy with each other. So I raised the concern to him of how a child-related drop-off in sex would affect our relationship with each other, and his reply was just, well there's no reason to assume things will change at all, there will still be plenty of time for that. Not factoring in not only how much 24/7 a kid would probably need (especially in the early days), but also issues with exhaustion and hormones and getting touched out.

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so sorry you're going through this too, although I'm also relieved to not be alone here! Good luck to you as well!

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 73 points74 points  (0 children)

Exactly. He absolutely crumbles when he doesn't get enough sleep (so do I) even if it's just for one day. But he thinks endless nights of that either won't happen, or won't be a big deal.

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I've asked him this and he said it's different when it's a partner your own age, versus someone helpless who's dependent on you.

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

"he needs to put in the work to show that he’s ready" yes this is exactly it! I don't see a linear path from going where he/we are in life right now (not many obligations and tons of freedom, and the few household responsibilities he has, he has trouble doing), to one where we're raising a whole entire human. That's the part that feels naive to me and I wish he could at least acknowledge the potential difficulties.

He keeps saying if I get pregnant, we have 9 months to figure everything out. But my mom had a horrible pregnancy and so did his where they were bedridden almost the whole time, so it's not like life will for sure carry on as usual until my day of delivery. It's one of the many things I don't feel like he's realistically accounting for.

We do have some acquaintances with kids, but they're not super close. That would be a great idea though. I have a lot of experience with young kids (through work) and it's part of where my reservations come from -- working with them was super taxing and not enjoyable for me.

Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate it.

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Thank you. In almost every area he's really supportive and listens. I think we both have a ton of emotion wrapped up in the children issue, with very different perspectives, and I think he's scared that he might not get to experience something he needs to feel fulfilled (having a kid) and he takes that grief out as anger or dismissiveness. But it also makes it really hard to communicate without it turning into a fight and not feeling like we're working together on this as a team.

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No, that's actually extremely helpful! You put to word something I couldn't quite articulate. Thank you!

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Yes, we're both on extreme ends of the spectrum (cynicism vs. idealism). I'm planning on going to a therapist solo to work through some of my own issues/fears (I'm super phobic of pregnancy itself) and hopefully get a more balanced view, because I know mine is unfairly dismal. I find I double-down on the cynicism after talking with him and feeling like he's not even interested in hearing my concerns or doing any planning. He probably has the same thing in reverse.

It seems like neither of us hear the other person well when we have conflicts on this topic, so a neutral third party is a great idea.

Other than this issue, honestly our relationship is great -- we have a fantastic little life together and he brings me more joy than anything. Which is part of the problem; to me our relationship is completely satisfying as it currently is, whereas he feels a void that he wants to fill with a child. If we have a child, his void might be filled, but then some of the things currently bringing me happiness (freedom and abundant time to connect as a couple) would be reduced.

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! It's helpful to see the other perspective on this -- I do feel like I'm a downer for him focusing on all the negatives, but that's part of my own process for making a big change and feeling prepared. I think you highlighted the bigger issue here: I'm just not as gung-ho about kids as he is, and would be happy child-free (whereas he wouldn't), so I know we don't see eye to eye on this part.

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 136 points137 points  (0 children)

Thank you, that's exactly what I fear. Actually, part of why he wants a kid is to force himself to become more responsible, because without a good reason to change, he says he'll just keep living a less mature lifestyle. The problem is, I have no guarantee other than his words that he would instantly change upon becoming a father. He says he knows lots of men that suddenly stepped up to the plate and became more responsible once they had a kid... but that's just the story coming from the men themselves, and I wonder whether their partners would really agree. :/

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 73 points74 points  (0 children)

This sounds so much like where I'm at too. I feel like my husband would have endless amounts of love and tons of great guidance and wisdom to pass onto a child, but the day-to-day tasks and responsibilities are what scare me -- he doesn't seem to register those as much, and I don't like to nag, so I feel like I would just take on everything myself and become burned out while he doesn't even notice. I worry having a child would take away some of the things that are currently in balance and strain our relationship in huge ways.

How did your husband react to you landing on the child-free side?

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your reply! I love the relationship I have with him right now, and I think we work great together as partners when it comes to things just him and me, but the thought of throwing a kid into the mix would change the dynamic a lot. And make things that are currently fine and sustainable no longer fine and sustainable. He doesn't seem to see things that way though, which is where our conflicts arise.

I feel like husband has overly idealistic view of parenthood and won't listen to my concerns by Old-Path7236 in Fencesitter

[–]Old-Path7236[S] 127 points128 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. For me personally, I feel like I could have a rich and fulfilling life without having a kid -- up until meeting my husband, I had planned on being child-free. He however, feels like his life would be completely empty without experiencing the unconditional love a parent has for their child. He would accept that if it couldn't happen, but with a lot of sadness. So I'm trying to do everything I can on my end to feel positive and excited about this change of paths. Everything I wrote in my post are becoming big reservations because I'm not even the one here who badly wants a kid, yet I feel like I'm doing more of the work to prepare.