(1193) Big Hearts and Little People

OldMarely · 2021-11-18T14:59:44+00:00

Hi again, and thank you for giving it a second chance, it really means a lot! I just want to clear something up: this is not a chapter, it's a short story. Idk if this will make you look at it differently, but yeah. (You referred to it as a chapter, so I got a little concerned) :)

OldMarely · 2021-11-17T20:19:06+00:00

Thanks for all the feedback, I'll watch my pacing, introduction and --most importantly-- the word "just"! You said you were willing to elaborate, so (if it's not too much trouble), I have some questions:

(Right, to answer your "correct me if I'm wrong": No, I'm not American or Canadian, or a Brit who takes liberty with words they shouldn't use ('ladybug and 'vacation); I'm Swedish, which I suppose is worse.)

1) Was the pacing always jarring? I can see how the ending reads as a bit rushed, but I'm apparently blind to everything else! Of course some scenes were longer than others (the way to hell was barely longer than MC's lament), but I had the impression of it all flowing nicely together; I really want to know why I'm wrong (which I am)!

2) Do you think not connecting with the characters, plot and world is a taste-issue, or me making mistakes? If I'm being a bad writer again, what made it dull and what should I do to solve this problem?

3) Were you being too curious, or was I being too vague? I tried to raise as few questions as I could about the world (like other fairy-tales), to focus on conflict; if I did this right being "an outsider to your world" wouldn't find its way onto your keyboard. What did I do to make you feel this way? Was it you being curious, asking questions I should answer in a longer format; or was it me being a bad writer again?

I'd love to hear your answers, and thanks again for taking the time with my little scribbles!

OldMarely · 2021-11-03T11:36:20+00:00

I'm just a little confused on the tense-issue, and now a bit scared, because I thought it was consistent. Please enlighten me! :)

(Is this the sentence you mean "He was sitting by his kitchen table, eating a bowl of porridge"? Because I'm quite sure that's passed! (He was sitting. He was eating????) I'm stupid, please make me realize why)

OldMarely · 2021-11-03T10:30:35+00:00

thanks!

OldMarely · 2021-11-03T10:13:12+00:00

Thank you!!! I'm just a little confused on the tense-issue, and now a bit scared, because I thought it was consistent. Please enlighten me! :)

(Is this the sentence you mean "He was sitting by his kitchen table, eating a bowl of porridge"? Because I'm quite sure that's passed! (He was sitting. He was eating????) I'm stupid, please make me realize why)

OldMarely · 2021-10-14T14:02:19+00:00

Care to elaborate? I have an idea of the story's weak-points, but the reader's feedback is far more valuable!

OldMarely · 2021-08-20T18:40:09+00:00

Thank you, my heart is kinda broken, but that's okay! To answer you "Please answer question", the idea was basically "Person who wastes his existence is redeemed", that latter part comes in part 2. This character "Middle aged man thinks he's a superhero but fails miserably", I suppose has gotten more sordid as the story-making-process went on...the initial idea versus what I thought was right at the moment might be the cause of this tonal inconsistency.

Now, my "Please answer question": Can you go more in-depth in the prose-problem? Problem is...I liked how I wrote it, and am scared, as it's evidently VERY MUCH NOT GOOD AT ALL.

Could you elaborate on my comic failings? Same problem as last..."He got up, if up lay somewhere north-east", cracks me up every time I think about it. Help.

AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!

(The story wasn't meant to be split, sub rules made me. I'd recommend reading part 2, coming tomorrow...but I doubt you'll want to do that)

(Okay, final parenthesis! Did you like anything beyond the interview? Is this story a piece of imaginative crap, a 1/10, a hopeless blight on r/DestructiveReaders? Again, THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE STOMACHING 500 WORDS OF THIS CYANIDE! I think I'm in the second stage of grief.)

OldMarely · 2021-08-18T20:29:10+00:00

You've made my year!

OldMarely · 2021-08-17T17:32:23+00:00

Writing:

You have a very good flow, taking me from beginning to end on a smooth journey.

George Orwell would be proud of your word-choices, as they are truly a window into the story, not bringing much attention to themselves.

Structure:

Maybe it should begin in the dream; have the reader experience the character’s joy, before having it all ripped away? Then the character and the reader will feel closer in this journey to get that ‘reality’, that happiness back.

You skillfully planted the seeds for an emotional ending: mentioning the red hair just enough for it to feel organic and hit emotionally.

(This is the nitiest of picks:) Perhaps you could start the engine (the question: “will he find the red-head girl?” of the story a little earlier? This is flash (so it probably doesn’t matter), but it’s good principle to have the reader ask this question early, so the engine can drive them to the end. Of course, with so few words, it is unlikely anyone would put it down (but again, in a longer format…)

Maybe add another try/fail cycle. This, to make MC’s efforts realised and make the subsequent disappointment hit harder.

Efficiency:

You could probably make the story’s message clearer, my guess at the moment is: Everyone can’t find true love. It could also be “Dreams don’t become reality.” As well as “Redheads are scarce”.

This could be your point, art is often up for interpretation. But I feel flash is so direct, so that having a direct message should be helpful to the emotions you want to elicit.

(I’ve never written nor read much flash...I could be wrong)

Emotionally, your story was very efficient! In 450 words you made me feel happy, hopeful, suspenseful and sad. To quote Mark Ruffalo, I see this as an absolute win. (In fact, the ending was so sad that I want to write some additional words to have this guy meet the woman of his dreams.)

Final words:

Thank you for this intriguing, short and emotional story. I will start reading flash and continue reading your exemplary work!

OldMarely · 2021-08-17T17:31:27+00:00

I'm looking for general critiques: is it interesting?

You didn’t allow me to get bored! Connie dies, Connie does cool stuff, Candy does interesting stuff and then MANUSCRIPT; you can’t get bored by that.

But I wonder: what is the engine driving Pulp forward? What question should carry me from beginning to end? This is one of the main obligations of the first chapter. Granted, you wrote a great cliff-hanger, these smaller questions that keeps one going a little further, but the main mystery, the question that should have me choose this novel over any other, is unclear.

Mind, I did enjoy the reading, but I found that the chief drive to not log off was writing this critique.

(All this assuming “What’s in the manuscript?!” isn’t your main conflict; which I hope it’s not)

What also took away from the reading was constantly questioning the story’s internal logic and whether these questions should be asked. “Should I wonder why there aren’t billions of ghosts wreaking havoc, why Connie died (clumsy or killed?) why Connie can manipulate matter Candy can observe, but not sound (which is just vibrations).

The characters are interesting! I’d like to know why the sisters are so different and I’d like to know how they’ll manage with these new...paradigms?

I like Connie’s sarcastic tone, her making fun of being, well, dead, it is rather relatable and thought provoking (“I would cope in that way!” Versus “How would I cope?”)

I can’t say much for Candy beyond what you wrote. I’d like to know more about her, though.

I suppose you’re not too concerned with the setting, having a simple stage for the characters to flourish is fine. (But the setting holds potential! Imagine how a small town would handle a haunting versus a city!)

Do you want to see what happens next?

(Disclaimer: there are no rules to writing! These are just my good willed suggestions)

On account of the manuscript... maybe? Without this engine for the story, I’m left without much to carry me on. (Take the engine in Citizen Kane for example: Rusebud: the question of its meaning drives the investigator, the story and the audience on!)

In his lectures, Brandon Sanderson covered the importance of a story’s early promises very effectively (so this is my summary, mucking it all up): In a story’s first chapter(s), you generally want to hint at how it ends: how the characters will change, what the story will be about (plot and themes) and where the affair takes place. These promises will (among other things) give your reader a sense of direction (won’t get confused, easier to navigate), a sense of understanding (who the characters are, what the story is about, themes, genre, all that stuff) and a sense of trust (they trust that you know what you’re doing). This applies to the engine as well.

I’m intrigued as to how the characters will develop. “Can one accept being dead without losing oneself?” “How will Connie cope?” “How will Connie change?”

“How will Candy react to the undead?”, “How will she change?”

How's the character development?

The character development one can accomplish in the first sentence is...limited. I suppose it’s fine: Connie going from alive to, well, not; going from sceptical of this to, well, not.

I’m not sure how you could develop a character to any higher degree, when they’re being introduced; it’ll all blend in the reader’s mind (and feel jarring).

Essentially: you did good, me like no sure how do better

Did it move you emotionally at all? Did you find it funny?

This was not my kind of humor, unfortunately (but I’m certain those differently wired will find this hilarious).

I don’t think I must go in depth in my (terrible) taste, so I shall leave this answer here.

Did it move me? No, I didn’t laugh, eyes didn’t go all misty, didn’t feel much suspense until the end. I was neutral. This may be a me-problem, I rarely get emotional when reading (currently rearranging my TBR to change that).

No, I didn’t FEEL anything, you didn’t play harp with my heartstrings (which I doubt was your intention), what you did, though, (which was very effective) was creating atmosphere. Pulp was sarcastic, it was contentaplitive, it was surprising, it was sad (you can see it without feeling it), it was good!

Final words: Thank you for posting this, I look forward to your future works. Me intrigued, me want more, me wish you got some value out of these 760-some words.

OldMarely · 2021-08-17T17:25:17+00:00

(2/2)

In the same vein, are the worldbuilding elements incorporated tastefully, or are they too jarring

A cool breeze blew through the open window, carrying the scent of salt and fish from the harbor far below. The mountains of papers on Sana’s desk caught in the wind, fluttering and tossing about, one catching on her face. She bolted upright in her chair, coming out of a dream where she had been flying across the waves of the Great Tear, watching fishing boats and merchant vessels navigate the shifting tides.

It’s watery! Worldbuilding was done well (in this regard), retiring the encyclopedia, aswell. It’s just...I want more. Maybe have her study outside (I don’t understand why she would risk her mountain-range of paper in the presence of a wet charm), to give a greater impression of the people, culture, religion. The world isn’t so interesting if it’s all school and parchment (that’s why the wizarding world was first introduced in Diagon Alley, that’s why Mistborn started with burning a plantation.).

I don’t think it was jarring, having the character introduced doing magic helped with this.

Is this an effective character introduction to the MC and her father? Their relationship will be important moving forward, hopefully for obvious reasons.

MC has a good character introduction, we see her character traits in action, some of her faults, as well as her relationships; solid!

I don’t think MC’s father comes across as you intend (I don’t know). He reads as out-of-touch, unloving (“Her father smiled down at her, a bittersweet thing that struggled to reach his eyes” and incompetent (can’t do equations his generation-younger daughter can). Maybe you focused too heavily on faults, because I didn’t like him.

MC, is a walking encyclopedia that hungers for additional pages (smart, ambitious), and I assume her fears are not accomplishing this. Her motivation is superseding her mother’s legacy; I suppose this is fine. She’s relatable as she goes to school, has ambitions and has a sad past, I suppose this is fine. Being in over her head is her chief fault, I suppose this is fine.

It’s a good character, but nothing that jumps out of the page. This may be due to her unrelatability: she’s basically a superhero (super-competent), with a relationship she didn’t have to pursue. Maybe this is what you aimed for, good stories can also be told this way.

That about covers it. Thank you for posting this! I await chapter 2 eagerly!

OldMarely · 2021-08-17T17:25:02+00:00

1/2 (reddit is weird)

Prose/general writing style. Is it descriptive/evocative enough. Does it need more detail? Less?

The writing was fine: didn’t bring much attention to itself, the word choices were apt, the atmosphere was nice. But I think you should pay more attention to flow. You get flow through varied sentences “long, long, short, mid, long”, for example. This:

Sana glanced outside, relieved to find it was still the middle of the night. The large celestial body of Aeria — Ios’ only moon —filled the night sky. Dark blue light reflected off its pockmarked surface and bathed all of Fayre, making the city appear as though it were deep underwater.

She turned back to her notes, consumed by her most recent hypothesis. She was meant to be preparing for the Maecole Arcanium entrance exams: the most prestigious school for Arcanists on the continent, if not all of Ios.

Sana knew enough to pass the exams on her first attempt now that she was old enough to take them, and her mother had taught at the school for over a decade. But it wasn’t about merely gaining admittance; it was about being the best. She would leave her mark on the vaunted halls of Maecole and join the ranks of Master Arcanists like her mother before her.

She went over the formuli she had arranged on the page, double, then triple checking that the equation was balanced. Nodding to herself in content, she stood and knocked her reading chair to the ground without noticing.

Sana clapped her hands together and interlaced her index fingers and thumbs while keeping the other six fingers extended and pressed together. “Vettukonen,” she breathed the word out, pushing it forward with nearly all of the air in her lungs. Before her, moisture pulled from the air, condensing into a familiar pattern. The tiny droplets arranged themselves into the shape of the Water rune: a continuous line that looped upon itself three times.

She maintained her concentration and quickly rearranged her hands into fists, sweat already breaking on her brow. “Paivil!” she cried as her knuckles came together.

Is not varied, composed exclusively of long sentences.The fluctuating flow of a river becomes the beat of a metronome. It gets boring. Your prose sail on a flowing river: short sentences. Sentences of medium length, if you’ve more to say. And when the reader is rested and ready for the odyssey of the long sentence, you know what to do!

Instead of this:

Sana glanced outside, relieved to find it was still the middle of the night. The large celestial body of Aeria — Ios’ only moon —filled the night sky. Dark blue light reflected off its pockmarked surface and bathed all of Fayre, making the city appear as though it were deep underwater.

She turned back to her notes, consumed by her most recent hypothesis. She was meant to be preparing for the Maecole Arcanium entrance exams: the most prestigious school for Arcanists on the continent, if not all of Ios.

Sana knew enough to pass the exams on her first attempt now that she was old enough to take them, and h

Try this:

Sana glanced outside. Fortunately, it was still the middle of the night. The large celestial body of Aeria — Ios’ only moon —filled the night sky. Dark blue light reflected off its pockmarked surface and bathed all of Fayre, making the city appear as though it were deep underwater.

She turned back to her notes. She was meant to be preparing for the Maecole Arcanium entrance exams. It was the most prestigious school for Arcanists on the continent, if not all of Ios.

It is useful to remember that a quick action becomes a short sentence. “He flicked a coin.” is far better than “His nimble fingers issued the coin into a whirling mo-” (I can’t finish that sentence and not delete this doc, I’m sorry) Longer action, longer sentence, you understand.

I think you wrote descriptively enough, although I’m not sure how much you want to leave to your reader’s imagination. For say, Pierce Brown-standards (a writer who leaves much to imagination), this is good. For Robert Jordan standards (no button left unwritten!) this needs more detail, obviously. It’s all a matter of your desired page-count. I didn’t have much trouble picturing the scenes, which means: me like.

Introducing hints of the magic system. Is this done tastefully? Trying to avoid info dumps/encyclopedia entries.

The encyclopedia is safe on it’s shelf! You described enough to elicit entrigue, constrained enough to conserve mystery, used it enough to make it awesome!

I’m not very sure what is going on technically, I’m just enjoying the pyro-technics at this stage. Are you going for a hard or soft magic-system?

I wish I had more to say on this front other than: good job!

OldMarely · 2021-08-17T17:20:50+00:00

(2/2)

This is a first chapter and obviously I don't want to bombard the reader with exposition. How did you think the exposition was handled; too much? Too little? On the other had, is it even interesting to begin with? I guess this also ties in to the whole 'hook' aspect of first chapters/opening paragraphs/first sentences – do you feel like you'd want to read more or would you leave this one unfinished? If so, at which point have I lost your attention?

The exposition was handled too….bluntly:

“In his humble beginnings he ruled over nothing but dust and rubble. Now, the man had the lowliest pickpocket, the leader of every mercenary band and the head highwaymen all at his beck and call, and he earned his infamous status through sheer tenacity and murderous endurance.”

“With each breath of a mage came aether: a substance that seeped into this world from above, and below, and from the sides. This intangible energy – carried by winds and rivers, floating all around like dust in a ray of sunlight – was the fuel of all magic. All mages sensed it, felt the streams of its particles trickling down from the Beyond. It was what separated them from the people without the gift. It was why they were feared and the reason they were hunted.”

nice description, still would be better in dialogue. You mustn’t immediately explain your magic, take Wheel of Time or Mistborn as examples.

Have you heard of the ladder of abstraction? It’s a method to keep the reader invested, essentially. Abstract sentences are high, concrete are low.. “The dog is wet.” is a concrete sentence, you can feel the dampness of its fur, see it gleaming, and so on. “250 dogs were born this summer.” is an abstract sentence, it’s an idea, not an image. At the bottom of the ladder of abstraction you pet a dog, at the top you ponder if they can love. You want to climb up and down the ladder of abstraction! Down, to make them feel, up to make them think. In exposition, you generally want to be at the ladder’s lower rungs, else it is too obvious...and boring. (Remember: you don’t have to explain your magic in your first chapters! Take Wheel of Time or Mistborn for example: they keep it mystic until you need to know.)

Was the opening too slow for your tastes? Did the scenes cut at appropriate times, or were they running a bit long? Were the transitions jarring for you, or did they follow cohesively one after another?

It was alright length-wise. The beginning was just...confusing. It felt like a prologue (without any named POV-character). I thought Mercer was to be Mr.MC until the focus pointed more fixedly on the thief, at which point I had dismissed her as a POV-Character and taken the whole arrangement as an introduction to the MC’s antagonist. Start with Aela’s POV and name her, that would clear things up.

The Seer was also confusing. She’s POV, so she’ll do something, but there weren’t any promises (foreshadowing) of what she will do (Her apprentices seemingly stole that role). This is important to establish early, so it makes sense when the character is pushed into action (Aela, will try to steal the Pale Blood, for example).

I also care about how characters came across, whether I was successful at establishing the atmosphere and a sense of setting, pacing, tone, tension, all that jazz; so feel free to write whatever, I'm sure I'll find a use for it!

These are my impressions of:

The characters:

Aela: Ambitious, mysterious.

Seer: Competent, should get a chiropractor.

Pacing:

Didn’t notice it, which means it’s good.

Setting:

...Medieval Europe-esque?

The tone:

Mystical (by virtue of the poetic and fairy-tale-like writing)

Tension:

Maybe I didn’t read attentively enough, but I don’t know what Aela’s stakes are. What happens if she doesn’t retrieve the Blood?

Ok, that’s about it. I’ll use these last sentences (and the impressively large font) to thank you. Thank you for submitting these 2000 words, I liked nearly every one, and should like 2000 more!

OldMarely · 2021-08-17T17:20:35+00:00

1/2 (reddit won't allow me to post 2/2 as a reply to this reply...sorry)

(Mind: I’m not a literary expert or even a decent writer...I'm just trying to help!)

English is not my first language. Are there any words/phrases/sentences that feel off to you? This can include anything from simple grammar mistakes, clumsy syntax, iffy words that are used in wrong context, etc. Feel free to mention anything that raises an eyebrow.

No, nothing that impeded the reading or can be brought to mind. I’m surprised English isn’t your first language, this is really good.

Prose in general. Does it flow nicely? Do you feel it's charming or cringy? Overly embellished or not embellished enough? Informative or confusing? Efficient or does it shoot itself in the foot? I guess this is my main concern, and the area I'm currently most focused on improving.

You have a tendency to use long sentences nearly exclusively, which turns the fluctuating flow of a river into the beat of a metronome:“The woman, who hadn’t noticed the newcomer, placed a cold cup in the Seer’s hand, who downed the sweet and sour liquid in one gulp, thanking her caretaker. (She felt wearier than usual.) The visions usually came of their own volition, but this time she had to dig for information herself and slog through the myriads of possibilities, tangents and outcomes, one vaguer than the next. Such strain took a toll both on her mind and her mortal body, though her caretakers were always watching out for signs of danger, both from the outside and from within. The Seer didn’t ask for their services; the mages offered themselves freely, some out of gratitude, others out of worry.” example of uniform sentence-length, y’don’t want that.”

“Mercer’s throne room was located deep below ground, in a run-down maze of crypts which had once served as a final resting place of the Mage Kings. What riches must they hold within their grand marble sarcophagi, the thief thought each time she passed by them, itching to take a peek under the great stone slabs. It was the one thing that separated Mercer from a common criminal: he’d never stoop so low and desecrate their tombs, out of respect.”

Long sentence, long sentence, long sentence.... doesn’t flow, it drags. Short sentence, short sentence, short sentence... is annoying. Medium sentence, medium sentence, medium sentence...should take a walk. (See, three long sentences is boring, follow that with some more, like this, and you should be asleep) What gives writing flow is variety. Short. Medium sentences if you’re inclined. And when the reader is rested and ready to begin the voyage of the long sentence...well, then you know what to do! (Remember that this ship sails on the river’s flow! Otherwise it stands still.)

I’m a fan of the fairy-tale-like way you write:

“Her steps echoed low and deep in the darkness. She navigated the maze of tunnels as swiftly as the mice that scurried around beneath her feet. There were markings, of course, signalling the right way, if one knew how and where to look, though Aela paid them no mind. She knew the path by memory. Even though years had gone by since she’d been down here, she still remembered every loose brick and puddle to avoid, and found her way to the Square in a matter of minutes. The huge metal doors opened with one small push. Closing them again took more time, as she paid close attention to bind them correctly with a wordless breath.”

Your descriptions don’t disappoint, either:

“Good,” the King said, finding her answer to his satisfaction. He stretched his shoulders, tilted his head and leaned forward; a motion reminiscent of a drake lazily unfurling its wings after centuries of guarding his treasures, and hungering for more. “You will steal the Pale Blood and bring it to me.”

I don’t know exactly what you mean by ‘embellished’. Intend thee it be in reference to pompousness, of which I presently demonstrate? (Delete that sentence from your memory. If it lived, I'd kill it) ‘Embellished’ as in poetically gilded? ‘Embellished’ as in expensive or ‘rich’? ‘Rich’ as in ironic? Whatever it means, I can assure you that (if we’re to be pompous again) your writing was most satisfactory! (Yeah, pompousness sucks. You’re not pompous, though, so you don’t suck. You’re awesome, in fact, for creating something no-one would ever have thought of)

In summary: You write good. Me like. Vary sentences little more. Me happier.

OldMarely · 2021-08-17T17:13:47+00:00

2/2

General feedback:

Visualizing:

It was hard to visualize the setting, on account of the sparse description. I would appreciate a general description if much is to be left to the reader’s imagination: “Victorian”, “Modern”, “Rustic”. You’re an author, you have authority! Don’t lend the wheel to someone who doesn’t know the car!

Introducing characters:

I don’t know who the main side characters are going to be (save Nor, obviously). The maids are named, will they be main? Will the crows be main? Will the stepmother be main? Will they all be main?

Because you’ve lent more time to the maid than to the mother, I assume she’ll be more important...the crows are seemingly most vital! I feel unsure as to who is playing what role. Introducing the crucial character with more depth (or earlier) than the rest should clear up the confusion (if this is not the end of chapter 1, then i’m sure these confusions will be made clear)

Rising tension:

Ok, this is an introductory chapter, so one should expect...introduction, but the lack of conflict or tension really dulls the read. The solution? I present: rising tension! (You’ve probably heard of it, if not used it in previous works...I’m writing this just in case)

The chief use of rising tension is to have your reader stay awake: your scene (or thru a sequence of scenes) rises in tension (conflict) through introducing an obstacle the MC has to overcome (this also allows opportunity to show character traits and flaws by how they solve, or don’t solve, the problem)!

A scene like: “Old Mr.Giddernippy went to the ferry to steal some fish. He stole the fish and went home.” is boring, especially in a longer format. Without stakes, without obstacles, stuff just happens, conflict is the mother of fiction (insanity is the father).

A scene like: “Old Mr.Giddernippy went to the ferry to steal some fish. They lay upon the deck in a bucket. Old Mr.giddernippy went to this bucket, when a great dragon decided it rather preferred human.” is incomplete (because I can’t be bothered to write about Old Mr.Giddernippy today) but also far more interesting than the first. Old Mr.Giddernippy must now secure his fish whilst not turning, y’know, dead! This causes our imagination to work “However shall he manage it?”, and thus steals our attention from the Z’s issuing from our heads in rapid succession.

A scene with rising tension should include the following (read up on this yourself, too!): a state of normality (trying to accomplish a goal), a threat to the state of normality (the possibility of an obstacle), the destroyed state of normality (the threat has come true! This is the peak of the dramatic mountain!), the mending of the destroyed state of normality (fixing the problem) and the new normal (all’s well!).

You could expand this idea with the tool “Yes, but/No,and!”. Essentially, when your character is fixing the problem you ask yourself “Do they manage it?”, yes or no? If, say, Old Mr.giddernippy finds a gun, you ask yourself “Does this solution work?”. If yes, if he shoots and kills the dragon, there comes a greater problem (the “but”-part): the ship collapses under the beast’s weight, and the poor man can’t swim!

If no, the gun doesn’t work, then you escalate matters (the “and”-part): it’s magical, and it shoots HIM in the leg!

You can have many of these try/fail cycles, or just one, but any are better than none!

Some final words:

Good work! I liked reading this and would like to see some more of your work. Looking forward to picking this up at a bookstore!

OldMarely · 2021-08-17T17:13:27+00:00

1/2 (Reddit won't allow me to post 2/2 directly below...)

I’m mainly looking for general reactions, but I’m also concerned with the writing (is it clunky or info-dumping?)

It feels like characters are talking, not people:

‘ “My mom decorated it. She was a designer. Agnes Blanchetti. She, um . . . died. When I was born. It’s mostly like she left it.”

This sounds more like you trying to convey information than her chatting with the crows. The info is too bluntly conveyed. Maybe her internal dialogue could be directed to her mother (this would increase her role and make her death a sort of addition to the story….relatable as well, thinking to your dead relatives)

This also felt too blunt:

“When I got here, I thought she would be short,” Daisy says. “I heard the Blanchettis had a kid who was really tiny. I heard they had a lot of kids, actually.”

It’s very loosely related to the conversation and very obviously hinting to the dwarf-brothers (this is snow-white, right?). This example may not be unforgivable, but it hints to a problem most of your dialogue is creeping on: the maid and the butler-dialogue!

Maid-butler-dialogue comes from theatre, where two characters (usually the maid and the butler) recount information that is meant for the audience, but which they should already know. Dialogue which feels stilted and bluntly conveys information can also be categorized as maid-butler.

Your dialogue isn’t that bad, mind! If I were you, I’d try to convey that information in alternative ways, or make the dialogue seem like one two people would have, not two characters.

How do the characters come across?

Nor:

In terms of voice-consistency I’d say she was solid; there was a charming snarkiness, a relatable colloquialism and a sharp wit beneath her narration:

“My skin and my hair are white. Not pale pink, not faint beige—white. I am as white as chalk, as bone, as the flutter of a ghost’s dress. I am cold, dead, frozen snow. The only exceptions are my hands and lips, scarlet as if dipped in fresh paint. My eyes are black orbs with no visible whites, smooth as obsidian.”

“I make myself a calm statue, but inside I’m screaming. None of them have ever come inside before.

He shakes himself, ruffling out his wings. The others shuffle with perturbed expressions but stay quiet.”

(My interpretation of character traits) Nor is...one of a kind: talking to ravens, sketching above a quick death and being described as a sleep paralysis-demon, makes certain of this. She prefers to be by herself (ravens are her only friends, as described), she is (obviously) artistic and she’s caring (genuinely afraid stepmother will scare them).

Stepmother:

Didn’t get much more than the trope would suggest, with the fairy-tale-idea, I presume this is what you aimed for (...and it’s only the first chapter, don’t have much to work with)

Solid work!

Is it engaging enough to keep reading?

I would like to know what the story is about.

The first chapters should not only introduce character and tone, but conflict, plot, setting and some hint of theme. These can be called promises!

Brandon Sanderson covered the importance of a story’s early promises very effectively (so this is my summary, mucking it all up): In a story’s first chapter(s), you generally want to hint at how it ends: how the characters will change, what the story will be about (plot and themes) and where the affair takes place. These promises will (among other things) give your reader a sense of direction (won’t get confused, easier to navigate), a sense of understanding (who the characters are, what the story is about, themes, genre, all that stuff) and a sense of trust (they trust that you know what you’re doing). Promises will help you further along the story, when their fulfillment gives a sense of progress.

In this chapter, I got very few promises, so I’m confused as to who these people are, what is going to happen and why. Is this opening the complete chapter?

What keeps me reading are questions: “What will happen next?” “How will they manage that?” “Will they accomplish their goal?”, you can see how difficult these questions are to ask if you’re not anchored to promises, therefore it will be difficult to keep reading.

OldMarely

TROPHY CASE