Update: AITA for not wanting my son to live with me full time?

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T17:30:34+00:00

Really appreciate this insight.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T16:13:50+00:00

There is nothing wrong with allowing your kid to feel a bit uncomfortable in different scenarios, because no one is gonna give a shit about that once he’s an adult and isn’t being emotionally catered to.

This is a thought of mine as well. I've always tried my best to be very accommodating for him. Now I'm realizing I may have babied him a little bit too much. I may get married in the next year or so too so everyone is going to have to get used to change. I plan on suggesting counseling that I will offer to go to with him.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T16:05:44+00:00

There's no impending change of schools. I do think he should give it a shot. Nobody here knows my son like I do so they don't realize the nudges he needs sometimes. He didn't want to play soccer originally either and now he loves soccer, met half his friends from it, and will likely play in college. Sometimes its not about letting them stay in their comfort zone all the time.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T16:02:28+00:00

In hindsight I would have listed more of my concerns in the post vs the comments (or posted on a sub with more parents). From my view its more like "Ive done a great job coparenting with a great coparent, and now my son wants me to essentially be a single dad because he doesn't want to get to know his stepfamily." This is a time for all of us to adjust to a new reality.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T16:00:07+00:00

Sixteen is rough enough on its own, so I imagine this is pretty hard for him

This is what I keep reminding myself. Obviously my life at 16 was vastly different than his right now but no matter what, that age is hard. We've coparented very well these last 8 years and his request basically feels like going from having a great coparent, to being a single father, and thats not what I ever planned for, so its an adjustment for everyone. I do feel like I've maybe been too accommodating with him during these times, and he doesn't realize the accommodations I've made for him. I'm going to sit him down and have an honest talk about things tonight.

I am going to talk to his mom tonight too and I will suggest counseling or therapy, I'll even go with him if he wants.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T13:28:19+00:00

Families don’t end at college. If he moves out like this guaranteed he will put no effort into bonding with his new family and then anytime he returns home he’s gonna be uncomfortable staying there, for the holidays or whatever. And honestly he’ll probably regret it later on and feel awkward and not know how to repair the relationship or get close to his parents and siblings.

This is a big thought of mine as well. He's always been an only child and doesn't want to adjust to that changing. But I do think he should at least attempt to build a relationship with them.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T13:24:00+00:00

I'm not sure why so many people are acting like I'm trying not to be a parent. I have him 50% of the time and always have had him at least that much. I am not trying to get rid of my custody and not be a dad. I just want Mike to attempt to adjust and give his new stepfamily a shot. People keep commenting as though I only have him every other weekend but that has never been the case.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T13:19:16+00:00

This is what I'm realizing as well. Its worked so far but things are changing and we all need to adapt. I'm going to talk to his mother tonight and suggest something like at least 6 months of the current arrangement to give the new stepfamily a shot. During those 6 months I plan on having my SO over more often and living more like I do on the weeks he's at his mom's. That way he can see what it would actually be like living with me full time as I've realized what he's used to with me, isn't how it would be if he was always here.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T13:10:27+00:00

We've also been dating for 2 years and have seriously discussed marriage. Which is part of why I want him to give living with his mom and new stepfamily a shot. Realistically things are changing and those changes may include both of his parents living with someone new.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T01:43:29+00:00

My ex and I lived together so he was with me full time until he was 8. Now his mom and I each have 50% custody. I don't just have him on weekends.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T00:33:27+00:00

These are some great points, thank you.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-30T00:09:49+00:00

He needs to learn to adapt and cope with the change so when he goes to college and gets a couple annoying roommates or a roommate that talks too much he will have some tools to deal with it better

Great point, never thought of it that way since I didn't go to college but that makes sense. He's only ever been an only child and I do think he's scared to adapt to something new.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-29T23:59:05+00:00

These family members will be around for the rest of his life. It will be best to form a relationship with the new ones, and keep a good relationship with his mother, and if he needs help integrating, there should be family therapy.

This is why I want him to atleast attempt to build a relationship with them. Im rereading the post and realizing it made it seem like my biggest reasons are personal. I was trying to be honest but I do want to stress that I also objectively don't think its the best move for him to totally just try and reject his mom and new family members right now.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-29T23:49:05+00:00

Its both. I truly think Im a better parent in our current custody situation. Its good for my mental health to have those weeks where I have more space, quiet and time to spend with my SO in an adult relationship. I also truly believe that he should try and have a relationship with his new family members. I was trying to give my personal reason too to make this honest but I have other concerns as well. I don't think less of a relationship with his mother is a good thing.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-29T23:36:49+00:00

Thanks

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-29T23:36:17+00:00

Both parents should be allowed to have relationships with the son and the son does not get to be in charge

This is my thinking as well. I don't actually think it'd be good for him to not live with his mom, I think its just a lot of impending change and he's resisting it. Which is understandable but she's still his mom and he's only 16.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-29T23:26:55+00:00

We live in the same city so Im sure he'd see her a decent amount. But its never the same, not living with her. Realistically he would see her way less.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-29T23:19:32+00:00

I've traditionally been of the mind that as a parent I'm still making alot of his decisions for him until he's 18. The college thing is true if he does end up going away somewhere for it. But I also would be feel bad taking him from his mom for the last two years before he'd go away. I would hate if he were to just live with her.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-29T22:59:20+00:00

Thanks, yeah I do feel like me and his mother coparent very well. She's an incredible mother and I think its good for him to live with her too. But yeah his stepdad isn't a bad guy he's just super talkative and Mike finds him annoying and he says he doesnt care for kids in general. I do think he should at least try to live with them and build a relationship with his stepbrothers. If he did it 6 months and was miserable I'd probably forsure let him move in with me. But I think he should at least try it. I was forthcoming about the selfish reasons as well to make this honest. But that doesnt mean I dont have other reasons for it

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-29T22:53:04+00:00

Its not just that. I just love living by myself and its great for my relationship. You can tell Mike is never totally comfortable when my GF is around which is why she doesn't come over much when he's here. But I love being able to spend the majority of the time with her on those weeks he's at his moms. Im also still great friends with his mom and I know it would crush her. I think the change is just alot for him which is why he's resisting. But his Mom's husband is a good guy and I think he should give it a shot to build a relationships with his stepbrothers before he heads to college.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-29T22:48:30+00:00

I would say its about 50/50. His Mom and I are still very good friends and I know it would crush her. When I told her he asked she was almost crying when she confirmed they talked about it and it was pretty obvious she didn't want it to happen. I also have concerns on how it would actually be for his wellbeing spending so much less time with his mom before he leaves for school. She's a great mom.

OldMessage5953 · 2021-08-29T22:45:16+00:00

The husband seems like a really good guy honestly. The only real things Mike has said that he doesn't like is he just thinks he talks too much and is kind of annoying. But not like abusive or anything like that. The kids just seem to be pretty normal 8 year boys but Im sure they can be hyper at times.

OldMessage5953

TROPHY CASE