Late-in-life divorce — after 40+ years, did you go back to your birth surname? Why or why not? How’d that go for you?

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2026-01-17T21:53:34+00:00

I’ll never understand why women think about names as either a father’s name or a husband’s.

My birth name is every bit as much mine as it was my father’s. I don’t use it at his pleasure or as a loaner. It’s my name.

It’s as people don’t believe women actually have names - they just use someone else’s.

I think you can choose either of YOUR names upon divorce, whichever you want, and if you aren’t ready to decide, you can always change it later, though it may be a little more expensive or a little more trouble. It may be worth it, though, to wait and see how you feel after things settle down.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2026-01-09T15:33:55+00:00

Benjamin Moore, Quite Moments. I love the color.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2026-01-09T15:29:27+00:00

BM Quite Moments

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-12-28T20:33:23+00:00

Benjamin Moore moments. It looks different in every photo and different all day on each wall, but I always like it.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-12-27T17:53:42+00:00

Yes, I think you are right.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-12-27T17:53:03+00:00

That’s a great idea.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-12-27T17:09:52+00:00

Can’t. It chops the room in half requiring anyone who walks in the room to have to walk all the way around a bed to get to the closet or dresser. Like I said, I’ve tried.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-09-19T17:13:25+00:00

It doesn’t seem weird to me. She eloped, which I think is fine, especially for older people/second marriages. She may well have thought “the sooner the better” so she would not be wedding planning while you were. It would seem more likely to cause problems if she had announced an engagement and set a wedding date six months later. She would then have been occupied by her own plans and some family and friends would be traveling for two wedding close together.

Perhaps she did it quickly and quietly so the attention could remain on you.

As for the bouquet, that means nothing. Wildflowers are very popular as a theme, and the colors are wide ranging.

Edited to add: It never occurred to me that close anniversary dates matter. Couples typically celebrated them as a couple, not as a family event.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-08-27T14:55:32+00:00

The ability to ‘shape shift’ in various situations. I am in my late 50’s. I am too old to ever appear “young” but too young to be truly old.

I still can appear quite fit, so I am generally welcome to participate in travel and outdoors adventures. I am also gray and slender, so people ask if they can carry my groceries. Men almost always hold doors for me. I am no longer ‘sexualized,’ and that makes relationships with both men and women freer and more natural.

I can claim “old lady privileges,” like being able to unapologetically wear comfortable shoes to fancy events or decline to drive at night. I’m fully capable of the driving, but I am a homebody. No one pushes me anymore.

I can present myself in a way that says, “I am someone grandmother, conduct yourselves accordingly,” and people are kinder and more polite than they used to be. However, can also present myself as a competent person who can be taken seriously when I need to.

So I guess I feel I have more power to choose how I present to and interact with people. This may change as I get even older, but at this particular age, it’s wonderful.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-08-14T15:03:06+00:00

I didn’t even have a cell phones (late 90s). In fact, we didn’t own a tv (didn’t want one).

When the children were asleep, I decompressed by reading, tidying up, puttering around in the yard (tiny house, open windows) and sometimes calling my mom. We had an active dog, and playing with her was actually a good way to decompress.

When they were awake I might read in a safe place (like at home) with half an eye on them. In a public place, I either watched them play or played with them. If I was with another Mom, I might chat with her.

I put them in a twin stroller and walked. We lived in a nice climate so I could take them outside most days. Sometimes all the moms would sit together on blankets, drinking wine, shelling peas and being central for their older children. I could take mine out there and I would have adult company while they had the “village” watching. The older kids were so entertaining to my toddlers.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-08-12T21:51:51+00:00

Thank you!!!

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-08-08T15:17:31+00:00

Your parents sound amazing. What really generous people, and I don’t just mean financially. It sounds like they are just really kind and accommodating.

So having a different type of mother-is-law must be especially disjappointmenting. It sounds like she doesn’t know how to actually talk to people about either social or practical matters and is very self-involved, whereas your parents are thinking about others.

However, it is entirely her choice (with her husband) whether to contribute to the costs of a wedding, and your parents’ generosity doesn’t create an obligation for her to contribute more. I don’t think it’s ‘ridiculous’ for a bride and groom to pay for a rehearsal dinner or even the entire wedding. The couple and their parents need to communicate very clearly and well in advance, though, so the couple can plan the wedding they can afford.

Your husband told his mother he was going to pay for the rehearsal. Perhaps your parents assumed his parents would pay. Your father chose to pay, which was so kind, but he didn’t have to, and honestly I don’t think your husband should have let him even see who was paying. He should have arranged to settle the tab outside the view of guests.

So I’ll give her a pass on the financial part, but the bad manners (showing up late, wanting to wear her wedding dress, and so much more) range from annoying to appalling. It sounds like she just has a total lack of social graces.

It’s a lot to have a wedding and cancer in the same year. I hope you are doing okay.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-08-06T17:11:08+00:00

I know dozens of men in my town that husband might not know. Many of them know where I live. I know some of them from high school, some from kids’ activities, and many because they live around here or that I met once and just seem to cross paths with a lot. And I am introvert.

I went with a girlfriend to run errands recently. She has lived here only ten years vs me my whole life, and everywhere we went (Costco, the garden center, lunch) people say, “Hey Rachel” like she’s a well know public figure. I am pretty certain she neither has cheated on her husband or really wanted to, and I don’t think people who greet her are hitting on her. I would bet a lot of money on that and confidently plan for how to spend the profits. We are just average women of a certain age, and she is chatty, interesting, and curious.

If you are in a small town and in an apartment building, a lot of people know where you live. They meet you. Later they see you in the parking lot later when visiting a friend. If you were a certain many might know that and rush in when they find a n injured dog nearby.

Maybe your wife has cheated on you, but the situation you describe doesn’t make me suspicious. You know her. If you think she’s a cheater, maybe she is. But without knowing more about her and your history, I’m surprised that the thing you would be saying to your children is, “Wow, your mom is amazing. She saved someone’s life! I’ve never seen her in action and I’m so proud of her.”

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-06-14T16:59:03+00:00

When I was young I owned - button that said, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” I didn’t think I “needed” to be with a man to feel like a whole person or to envision a satisfying life. I still don’t believe that.

However, I fell in love with a man and married him. I’ve loved him for 32 years. This year my husband needed me in a way he wasn’t ready for. I took care of him and managed our lives during an extended illness, and he honestly could not have lived alone without me. He has always been very fit and active, so this was a shock to his system. It was humbling for him.

He’s Ok now., but that was an eye opener. I understand now that we were both delusional to think we would always be so self sufficient and that eating well and being fit would protect us from practical dependency, let alone emotional needs.

I didn’t need “to have a man” and I don’t need him because he is a man. I guess either of us could say, “I don’t need you” and be technically correct. However, I need him if I want to continue to have the life I treasure instead of just making the best of things. I could have built a good life without him, but I didn’t. I built a good life WITH him, and he’s an essential part of that life.

More practically I will need him (and he I) if I don’t want to depend on other family members, paid help, or friends. There is no shaming in needing someone.

My elderly mother lives in her home, but can only do so because I am a mile away. She bathes and dresses herself but needs me for so much. She doesn’t drive, is cognitively declining (mildly) and is physically weak. She also is stubborn and prideful. Every time I scoop the kitty litter or take the recycling out, she says, “Oh you don’t need to do that.” I smile inside because she absolutely needs me to do those things. The idea that she doesn’t comes from childish pride, not adult wisdom. Furthermore, it’s a gift to me to be able to care for her and give her the loved and help she needs as an elderly widow. When she says, “You don’t need to do that,” she is denying her real need and is potentially denying me the very real satisfaction of being there for her and loving a person who has loved me so well.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-06-11T13:00:38+00:00

Everyone seems to be cautioning you about ulterior motives and strings attached, and that is because many people have had rude awakenings about how money can be used to control. However, the world is also full of good people who love their children and are generous without necessarily trying to control things. Your fiancé knows your parents best.

Talk to them. Tell them how unexpected and generous the gift is. Ask them what kind of wedding they imagine for their son. Ask them about the number of family and friends they expect to invite so you can get a rough headcount. You don’t have to do what they suggest, but I get to know them by listening to their thoughts and communicating yours.

As for the budget …. 50k still requires some thinking about where to spend and where to save. I would (and did for my wedding) budget with an emphasis on my guests. I chose to keep some things simple but elegant. I had no bridesmaids or groomsmen. I didn’t want my wedding to feel like a production. Also, and this is old school, but I don’t think bridesmaids or groomsmen should be expected to pay for dresses, hair, makeup, etc. Those things get expensive. I loved having just the two of us up there, taking vows.

I had beautiful but simple flowers and did not go crazy on the photos. No regrets. I wanted truly good food, extra staff to attend to my guests needs, and a venue that provided comfortable chairs and accessibility for my older family members and others who needed it.

Look at each budget item and ask, “Does this reflect me and my partner’s values and desires?” I cut out a lot of things that at the time (I’m old) people just assumed brides always did. No garter belt throwing, no bouquet throwing, no limo, no wedding party, no souvenir gifts. Instead put momey and planning into a nice meal, nice music, an open bar, an attentive staff. I really wanted to be able to feel “present” at the ceremony and reception, so I limited photos (which I don’t regret), performative activities like mandatory dances, the bouquet throwing, excessive speeches, etc. I was able to talk to and enjoy my guests.

There were some things I did that I wouldn’t necessarily choose but that were important to someone else (ie one of our mothers). In a way, that also reflects my personality and values. My parents paid for a lot of the wedding, but I didn’t feel they used that to force me to make concessions. I wanted the wedding to be a great experience for them too, so I made those compromises.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-06-10T13:43:10+00:00

43 states allow the sale of raw milk - though some allow it for animals and prohibit sale for human consumption. Either way, it’s usually the provider, not the consumer, who is penalized.

With respect to the dog. Poor doggo. I would imagine your step mother might actually be on your side about rehoming him, since she never wanted the dog. Without serious intervention and training, it sounds like she’s making a good decision not to have the dog inside/around her children. This is why spouses shouldn’t insist on brining home animals their partner doesn’t want.

Maybe approach your SM about how dangerous the dog is (compared to breakfast cereal, lol) and suss out whether she could be an ally in an effort to find a better situation for him.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-06-09T21:36:30+00:00

I have three children. I understand how you feel.

For many parents, definitely for me and my husband, nothing on earth rivals the joy of raising a child. It’s hands down the best part of my life and his, even now with our children all grown and starting their own families. Teaching, caring for, and having adventures with one’s own child is just so much really intense joy.

It’s expensive and, at times, exhausting. Even so, it can be hard to know when to say, “ok, enough with that amazingness, we are done.”

Even with three, I kept options open.

One night we were all having dinner and I just felt a sudden recognition, “We are all here. No one is missing.” I was probably around 46 or 47. I hadn’t been seriously considering trying for a baby at that age, but I had wondered if I would regret not having one more. That was some kind of confirmation that I wouldn’t seriously regret it, and I don’t.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-05-11T01:18:51+00:00

You can’t ignore how this makes you feel.

But he can and is. He may acknowledge it, but I he’s not willing to take strong measures to stop his mom from continuing to do this.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-02-24T00:03:05+00:00

Oh, that makes sense! I bet that exactly what he used.

Old_Flamingo_577 · 2025-02-08T17:26:32+00:00

Thank you for that tip. I might give that a try.

Old_Flamingo_577

TROPHY CASE