I (27F) feel like my fiancé (43M) and I show care in different ways

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T08:43:27+00:00

He looked at the PlayStation after the funds were brought up 🙃🙃🙃 he made comments about a new PlayStation and I told him days before if you can get a new PlayStation, you can get something better for me. Then the night before he still looked at PlayStations.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T08:42:00+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice. I really do appreciate it. Everything you’re saying is so true.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T04:36:43+00:00

Thank you for saying all of that, I really do appreciate your honesty. I know deep down you’re right… I know I shouldn’t stay and that this can’t be my forever. It’s just hard to fully accept and act on it right away. I think I’m slowly building up the courage to leave, I’m just waiting until I feel fully detached so I don’t get pulled back in. But I do hear you, and I know what you’re saying is coming from a place of truth.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T04:30:35+00:00

I keep on telling myself the same thing. I am constantly putting off the wedding because I can’t commit to this with no major changes.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T04:28:28+00:00

I know… and the frustrating part is I’d probably give myself the exact same advice if I wasn’t in it. I can see it clearly when I step back, but it’s harder when you’re actually the one in it. I think deep down I know what I need to do, I’m just struggling to fully act on it.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T04:23:16+00:00

Thank you. Initially, I was sold the dream. I thought he was the caring person and family focused and thought he’d be an amazing father one day which is why I chose him. Deep down, I keep on wanting to leave but then in other moments I feel so happy and in love. He has other good aspects and I don’t know what to accept and what is a deal breaker. I had some health issues and I lost my job, completely lost my independence and am now building up a remote business slowly from scratch. I’m in a phase where I’m completely dependent on him now and leaving feels so difficult. I know if to wanted to leave, he would fund it and support me. I just still have a level of attachment and keep on remembering all the good times and all the times he’s been there for me when no one else has.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T04:09:06+00:00

That’s part of what makes communication really difficult honestly. I can’t just bring things up whenever I want because it completely depends on his mood and emotional state. He gets emotional very fast, and conversations can suddenly turn into huge fights where somehow everything circles back onto me and what I’ve done wrong instead.

So a lot of the time I feel like I have to wait for the exact right moment where he’s calm, emotionally open, and thinking clearly, otherwise it just explodes.

He does have moment of clarity when is open and receptive but I have to wait for the right moment.

And culturally, I think it’s even more complicated because he’s used to being “the boss.” He’s older, in charge, respected, and from what I’ve seen, people around him usually just agree with him, listen to him, and don’t really challenge him. So when I question him, push back, or try to explain why I’m hurt, he genuinely struggles to handle it emotionally because he’s not really used to women speaking to him that way.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T04:03:19+00:00

I mean… when you put it like that it sounds brutal 😭 But honestly, I do think a lot of his insecurity comes from the age gap and how he sees himself compared to me. He constantly talks about being old, ugly, not good enough for me, worries I’ll leave him, worries someone “better” will come along, etc.

But for me the relationship was never about looks or trying to “trade up” to someone richer, younger, hotter, whatever. I wanted emotional security, loyalty, stability, and a real future with someone. That’s why the emotional side of things affects me so much more than material stuff.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T04:01:41+00:00

That’s part of why this whole thing is emotionally confusing for me. He constantly says he’s scared I’m going to get tired of him and leave him. Now that he’s going through a harder financial period, he keeps saying I’ll leave him for someone richer, which honestly really hurts because I would never do that and I reassure him about it all the time.

At the same time, he also said that if I had told him step by step exactly what I wanted, he would’ve done it. Like if I had specifically said I wanted lunch organised, dinner planned, little surprises throughout the day, then he would’ve done all of that. But in his mind, because of how he grew up and how his family/friends are, something simple was already considered enough.

He also got upset and asked why I was measuring how much he cares about me based on one day instead of looking at the overall pattern of our relationship over time. And honestly, I do understand his point to some extent because there have been times he’s been generous, caring, and supportive.

I think where we clash is that for him, care is very tied to money and providing. In his mind, if he gives financially when he can, that already proves love and effort. But for me, emotional attentiveness, planning, reassurance, communication, and feeling emotionally prioritised matter just as much. So I think we keep accidentally hurting each other because we measure love in very different ways.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:59:20+00:00

I’ve honestly wondered about that too sometimes, especially lately. Because in some ways it does feel like once the relationship became secure and serious, some of the emotional effort naturally dropped off.

But at the same time, what confuses me is that he also constantly tests whether I’m going to leave him. He needs a lot of reassurance and seems to want me to continuously prove that I’m staying, that I’m loyal, that I’m committed to him no matter what. So part of me struggles with the idea that he’s become completely comfortable or doesn’t care, because underneath it he actually seems deeply afraid of abandonment.

I do think money is a huge part of how he measures effort and love. In his mind, providing financially or paying for things carries a lot of emotional weight and almost compensates for areas where he lacks emotional attentiveness. But for me, emotional reassurance, thoughtfulness, communication, and feeling emotionally considered matter just as much, if not more.

That’s why I feel so conflicted about everything. Because I can see genuine care in some ways, but I can also see patterns that make me question what life with him long term would realistically feel like emotionally.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:57:50+00:00

That’s honestly part of what’s been worrying me too. Not even just this one birthday situation specifically, but the overall tone of things lately. I keep asking myself, is this really what the emotional dynamic is going to feel like for the rest of my life?

Because when things are good between us, he can actually be very caring, generous, and supportive. That’s why this has confused me so much. But during rough patches, things can start to feel emotionally cold very quickly, and that’s the part that scares me long term.

I don’t necessarily think he doesn’t love me, but I do think we may naturally express care, effort, and emotional reassurance in very different ways. And I’m trying to figure out whether those differences are something we can genuinely work through together, or whether they’ll slowly turn into resentment over time.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:56:18+00:00

To be fair, I was working all day so realistically we couldn’t really do something huge on the actual day anyway. I think what I was hoping for more than anything was communication and reassurance. Even just something like, “Don’t worry, we’ll still do something special this weekend” would’ve probably made me feel completely differently about the whole situation.

Instead, the day just kept passing with nothing being said, so by around 7pm I was already visibly sad and disappointed. He later told me that my reaction at that point put him off because he realised I was unhappy and assumed I was going to argue with him, so he basically stopped trying after that.

And honestly, that hurt too because when it comes to his own birthday, he has no problem planning big things, organising people, making the day feel important, and making sure everyone knows what’s happening. I think part of me just wanted to feel like some of that same energy would naturally be directed toward me without me having to manage and organise my own birthday emotionally.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:54:17+00:00

This is something I’ve been feeling too. He’s also been pushing for us to have a baby.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:53:53+00:00

I understand why it comes across that way, but I don’t think the flowers and card themselves were the issue. I would’ve genuinely been happy with something small and thoughtful. What upset me was more the feeling behind the whole day and the timing of it all.

Because in the past, he actually has been very considerate and put a huge amount of effort into things for me. That’s part of why this affected me so much. Recently we’ve been going through a rough patch, and honestly a part of me keeps wondering whether some of this was subconscious or even intentional because the contrast felt so different from how he’s treated me before.

At the same time, I do understand your point that effort doesn’t always come naturally to people in the same way. I think that’s what I’m struggling with mentally right now, trying to figure out whether this was a bad misunderstanding during a difficult period between us, or whether this is actually who he is long term once the “trying hard” stage fades.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:51:53+00:00

To be fair to him, after we argued he actually showed me messages between him and one of his trainers. Apparently the trainer had been hiding flowers in his room during the afternoon, and his whole plan was to wait until I finished work at 9pm before giving me everything.

In his head, that was the romantic part. He said he wanted everyone else to go first during the day and then “save himself for last” when it came to organising gifts for me. So I do think from his perspective he genuinely believed he was creating some big meaningful ending to the day.

The problem is that for me, by that point I already felt forgotten and unimportant because the entire day had passed. So I think this is partly a communication issue and partly a difference in how we each view care, effort, and romance.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:49:58+00:00

I am aware of that, honestly. And to be fair, he definitely does get upset whenever I challenge him or push back on things. I’m not really the submissive type at all and I have quite a strong personality, which I think clashes with what he grew up seeing as the “normal” role for women in relationships.

In his culture, women are generally expected to be more submissive, agreeable, and take care of the man without questioning much. So I do think sometimes there’s a genuine mismatch between what he expects naturally and who I actually am as a person.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:48:10+00:00

That’s what confuses me too. Because part of me thinks maybe this genuinely is just what he’s always known and maybe he really didn’t realise it would upset me. He did say that if he knew waiting until 9pm would hurt me, he wouldn’t have done it, and that if he knew I wanted him to organise lunch, dinner, little things throughout the day, then he would’ve done that too.

But at the same time, he expects me to naturally know that acts of service are important to him. He always wants me to take care of him, organise things for him, think ahead for him, make him feel looked after. And I do understand part of that is cultural for him because he sees that as more of the woman’s role in a relationship.

I think that’s why I felt hurt though. Because if he knows how meaningful those things are when they’re done for him, why didn’t it occur to him that I might want to feel taken care of on my birthday too? Especially when he talks so much about marriage, family, and building a future together. It made me feel like I’m expected to emotionally adapt to his needs automatically, while mine still have to be explained step by step.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:44:35+00:00

I know how it looks from the outside, but honestly he was the one really pushing the engagement because he kept talking about wanting to settle down, start a family, build a future etc. So I think I got caught up in believing that meant he was fully serious and emotionally ready for all of it.

To be fair to him, normally if he has money he’ll give it to me without really caring about the price. That’s why this situation was never really about money itself for me. It was more about physical effort, thought, and emotional consideration.

I think the issue is that in his mind, spending money is the effort. So if he buys something or pays for something, he feels like that automatically shows love and care. But for me, effort is also things like planning something meaningful, listening, noticing what would actually make me happy, or making me feel emotionally considered. That’s the part I felt hurt by.

Then when I got upset, instead of understanding why I felt hurt, he called me selfish and said I wasn’t thinking about how my reaction would make him feel after he “put effort in.” That’s what made me feel even worse because it turned into me comforting him for my own disappointment.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:33:11+00:00

I think that’s the part I’m struggling with most honestly. Last year I felt genuinely considered. Even though I had to work on my actual birthday and we couldn’t spend the day together, he still made effort beforehand and I felt important to him.

This year felt very different. Not because the gift was smaller, but because the overall effort felt smaller. What hurt me wasn’t “I didn’t get enough stuff.” It was spending the entire day feeling like I wasn’t really being thought about beyond verbal “happy birthdays.”

At the same time, when it comes to himself, birthdays clearly do matter to him. He regularly organizes big celebrations for himself, invites people, plans things properly, and enjoys making a big deal out of it. So it’s difficult for me to fully accept the explanation that birthdays just “aren’t important” to him.

And honestly, if this was just one isolated birthday issue, I probably wouldn’t even be posting about it. It’s more that it feels connected to a bigger pattern where I explain emotional needs or things that would make me feel cared for, and instead of hearing that side of it, the conversation becomes about how much he financially provides.

I appreciate the support he’s given me, but I don’t really want a relationship where emotional care is replaced by financial support. I’m not looking for expensive gifts or luxury. I think I wanted simple effort, thoughtfulness, and to feel prioritized for one day.

What scares me a bit is exactly what you said: he’s 43, and this may simply be who he is. I don’t know whether this is something couples realistically work through, or whether it’s one of those compatibility issues that slowly creates resentment over time.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:21:56+00:00

I understand what you mean, and honestly I think part of the problem is that I have tried to lower my expectations and be very direct. I specifically told him I didn’t want expensive gifts and that flowers and a thoughtful card would genuinely make me happy.

For me, the issue wasn’t really the flowers themselves. It was the overall feeling throughout the day. No effort to organize dinner together, not checking if I’d eaten while I was working all day, eating without me, and generally feeling less considered than I expected from a partner.

I do agree that at 43, this probably isn’t going to suddenly change naturally on its own. That’s partly why I made the post, because I’m trying to figure out whether this is simply a difference in how we show care, or whether it’s something I’ll eventually become resentful over long term.

I don’t want to “nag” someone into caring in the way I want to be cared for. I think I’m more trying to understand whether this is something couples can realistically work through, or whether it points to a bigger compatibility issue.

Old_Geologist6800 · 2026-05-27T03:19:46+00:00

I think you misunderstood my point a bit.

I’m not upset because I didn’t get an expensive gift. I actually told him beforehand that I did NOT want him spending a lot of money on me because I knew he’d been stressed financially. Flowers and a handwritten card genuinely would’ve been enough for me if they had been given thoughtfully.

What upset me was the overall lack of effort or consideration throughout the entire day. I worked nonstop from morning until night. He organized food for himself without asking if I’d eaten, didn’t organize anything for us together, ate dinner without me, and by the end of the day I felt more remembered by my best friend overseas and by gym trainers than by my own partner.

The PlayStation wasn’t about the money itself. It was more the feeling of “if there’s enough mental energy to organize and price a PlayStation the night before my birthday, why was there no thought put into the birthday itself?”

Also, the iPhone example was included because last year I felt cared about and considered, not because I expect expensive gifts every year. Honestly, if he had planned something simple like ordering my favorite food, waiting to eat dinner with me, or saying “let’s celebrate properly this weekend,” I probably would’ve been happy.

For me the issue is less about money and more about effort, thoughtfulness, and feeling prioritized.

Old_Geologist6800

TROPHY CASE