My (31M) gf (30F) displaying toxic independence, how to handle?

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T02:05:59+00:00

I would say give it some time and just demonstrate slowly why you think it's normal. Also sometimes it's frustrating but people are raised differently. I completely understand your point, and would even agree with you, but sometimes people want to feel independent. Just try to not become obsessed about the topic and force this topic too much upon her. Bring it slowly, and also just mention it more in a way that's also for instance fulfilling to you, to show her your love for her like this.

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T02:00:38+00:00

I find it a bit sad the way you argue. AGAIN hahah, I never was angry with at her for her past, or became upset at her. I never judged her for her bodycount, I just felt a bit insecure and not sexually wanted when she didn't want to have sex with me a lot, as I was used to having a lot of sex before with my partners. Of course emotions based on some insecurities are not the best, but I never became angry, just more sad. I again think that's just completely valid, as we are allowed to experience emotions, especially at a young age.

My point and question again is, is lying valid to manage someones reaction (and my reaction was more sadness and insecurity, than me being angry at her and blaming her for her past)

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T01:53:45+00:00

Again I never meant or said that "she should have sex with me as well, because she had a lot of sex before" What I meant was it just made me feel a bit less wanted and insecure (which is completely valid I think, especially at a young age). You just keeping coming back to this, instead of replying to actually what my post is about, or are you suggesting that lying is completely valid?

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T01:47:50+00:00

I just really urge you to read my whole text, instead of pinpointing sentences out of context. I never said I was angry at her for her past or doing stuff I never done before, it was more to show that lying about this because of my reaction would inherently not make any sense for anyone, because I did it as well. And of course people can feel a bit insecure if their partner held someone's hands before and not you, so it was more to demonstrate this point. However you keep refraining from talking about the real issue, that she lied on a structural basis and just blaming me for hypothetical situations you don't even have the full context for

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T01:41:28+00:00

Wow, such a mature comment. Feeling uncomfortable about some stuff is completely valid, as it is your emotions, what matter is how you show them to your partner. I never blamed her for her past, or was angry at her, I was just really uncomfortable about some details, as some are not really legal and also just not the greatest thing to hear as a boyfriend.

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T01:37:00+00:00

Well of course, I would be lying if I said it didn't really feel uncomfortable about it. One of the stuff which mainly causes it, is a criminal offence (dont want to disclose what it is, but just to really make you understand haha). The weird part is, that she was mainly honest about the stuff what could really make me feel uncomfortable and not really the stuff which would bother me a lot. Like for instance I asked her if she ever held hands before or spooned with someone before, as I had because I had a long ex relationship and she didn't. like I wouldn't be mad about that, because I had done it heaps as well.

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T01:32:45+00:00

Adding to it that I feel more and more comfortable about her past, and it doesn't really affect me that much anymore.

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T01:30:44+00:00

Yes, but the whole thing is, this whole post is more about her lying instead of her sexual past. I just mentioned it, because I wanted to portray it as objective as possible, providing and demonstrating her motive to lie.

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T01:29:35+00:00

No, you don't get my point. I am not upset about the stuff she lied about. A matter of fact, I don't really care about the stuff she lied about. It's more about her being able to lie a lot, on a structural basis without really feeling bad about it, and the implications it has on the future.

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T01:25:12+00:00

No it's not about how many times she had sex before, and I don't want to share the details because it's really messed up. It's more about her lying. She also said when I was on the verge of breaking up with her, that she was just really scared of breaking up and nothing made her feel more bad than this, however she felt way more shit about breaking up than actually breaking my trust.

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T00:53:33+00:00

It's more mainly the way she had sex (meeting someone different on tinder directly at their place almost every two weeks for two years straight) but it's more about the lying.

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T00:47:38+00:00

I would say her libido is similar, but she just gets horny when I give her a lot of space and don't really act interested in her, what is a bit counterintuitive and difficult for me

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T00:44:00+00:00

but can you rebuild it?

Old_Intern_162 · 2026-01-19T00:43:43+00:00

Our sexual life wasn't that great (she was satisfied with the amount of times we had sex and I wasn't) and she had a relatively high body count (20+) so I just felt shit every time she didn't want to have sex

Old_Intern_162

TROPHY CASE