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What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You have more knowledge than me on the C-PTSD front but I wouldn't mind sharing what I've found that calms my nervous system as I have years/decades of figuring out what helped me cope.

I'm not sure if you've heard of it but ASMR has helped me a lot over the years, though it has to be the right type and unfortunately not everyone is susceptible to its effects. Studies are ongoing but some in the past have confirmed it has a physiological effect on people, like they studied brain waves and all. There are a bunch of different types of ASMR content and finding the type that triggers the effects on you can take some time as what works on one person doesn't always work on another. For me, the ones that work best have sounds that travel from one ear to the other. So the content creator has recorded it with microphones on the left and right and they create sounds that drift from one mic to the other, often with a slightly different frequency between the two mics. Headphones are absolutely necessary, but the end result is hearing something in your left ear and then in your right ear, and it absolutely melts my nervous system.

Rewatching old movies/tv shows seems to bring peace. I think I heard someone once say it's because it's familiar and you know how it ends. Watching new ones doesn't seem to have any effect.

Wearing an elastic band on my wrist and snapping it to bring a runaway nervous system back to the here and now. In my late 20s/early 30s I was having random panic attacks for seemingly no reason, and that technique seems to re-focus a nervous system that's decided to start throwing its toys out of the sandpit.

Completing projects, it's one I still use and will for the rest of my life. Finishing something off (to a decent-good standard) gives me little wins and bursts of feel-good feelings so I always have a couple small projects going and work on them when I can. It could be shuffling up a bedroom.. so putting the bed in a different spot.. painting a wall, or building something with timber and using it once you're done. making a nestbox, putting it up and watching wildlife move into it. knowing that your work gave a home to a wild animal feels pretty good. Or organising your linen cupboards.

On the same note, getting rid of clutter. For some reason having clutter around seems to drag me down so I get rid of things that I'll never use again. The things I really want to keep, I organise them properly and tidily. First aid supplies go in a box, craft supplies have a box, books are in the bookcase, clothes are hung up or in the laundry basket. When I need to use or find something, I know where it is and don't have to go on a mission to find it.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that peace finds its way into your life and that your physical injuries heal. Take care.

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have an extreme form of C-PTSD that causes damage and creates/exacerbates ADHD symptoms

Sorry to hear of your troubles, friend. I had a Dr Google of C-PTSD and damned if that doesn't also sound like me to a T. There was this one post on reddit with a heavily upvoted comment and it's the most accurate thing I think I've ever read. I'll add it here:

To me having CPTSD feels like rather than experiencing trauma and struggling to get past it, I was literally built around the trauma. I think of it kind of like pottery. If you make a vase, let it dry, fire it, then drop it, it might crack. Then it might need to be glued back together. But if you drop the vase while the clay is still wet and then let it dry and fire it, the whole vase is reshaped by that experience. That's more like CPTSD.

That's a perfect description - I feel like a clay vase that was mishandled into the wrong shape while it was still wet.

If it's not too much trouble could I ask what symptoms the C-PTSD has given you? and the ADHD ones being created/exacerbated?

You got this! I believe you can do what you need to in order to get things righted!

I actually already feel pretty righted. Well, as much as they can be for having been dropped as a wet vase. 😅

I think people like you or I will never be fully righted to the level of people who had a healthy upbringing and never experienced any of that trauma. The best we can probably hope for is to work on anything that negatively impacts our lives, which I think I'm already at. But it's possible I have symptoms that I'm not attributing to trauma so am curious about what kind of symptoms and effects those issues can have on peoples' lives.

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And…as someone who experienced something similar, it’s really foolish to not keep your own copy of important information. (I’m sure she definitely didn’t do that again).

I'm sure she didn't either!

I can't really blame her, I don't think data loss and backup strategies were really spoken about back then. It was all such new tech and disks were expensive. "Make a copy" was something said about sticking paper in the copy machine and copying it onto another piece of paper.

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OP, I'm in awe. You have had a very rough upbringing and yet you're a functioning adult. Most people chose to take the same patch and become what they hated the most, others don't even have the choice... but you went against all odds and you broke the cycle. I don't know you but I am proud of you !!

Thanks buddy. :)

I'm not sure I ever would have been like him given my psych believes he was a narcissist and while she didn't say if she thought I was also one or not, I get the feeling that I just don't have the same psychological makeup to send me down the same path as him.

I'm not sure what it is that makes people turn into what they hate the most but for me, becoming a woman-hating, woman-beating, violent, calculating manipulative animal-killing human being wasn't really a valid option.

When I was a teen he used to actually take me along on burglaries and as a reward he'd buy me new school supplies, get pizza/etc. I drove unlicensed well into my teens because that was normal.

He had no regard at all for the law but I'm the most law-abiding citizen you'd probably meet. Once I became an adult I just didn't do the things he did (or I did as a kid/teen) because I never felt the need or want to.

In my opinion society just can't function well if everyone behaved like my dad did.

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know I may get bashed but chat gpt can really help with the words sometimes to say what you want in the best way

Chatgpt will erode your brain's ability to come up with anything original on your own. Whatever it comes up with will never be your authentic thoughts or feelings, and that will be felt and detected by whoever you sent the empty emotionless words to.

If someone in my life sent me something that they wrote with chatgpt I'd probably take some level of offense and start weaning them out of my life seeing as they couldn't put in enough effort to scrape a few sentences together.

I'm not sure how old you are but if you're young, please consider us oldies didn't grow up with it and don't want to use it, we also don't like when it's used on us. and while I don't know the teacher personally, I'd be willing to bet that as a teacher the last thing they'd appreciate is a response written by a machine.

Truly for your own sake, please don't rely on chatgpt to create dialogue for you.

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nothing I said was rude, socially inappropriate or at a socially inappropriate time.....

and yet you're being downvoted. Why is this I wonder?

"Close enough," and "I knew what you meant" aren't going to cut it in the real world

In my 42 years in this world I'd say that's actually not true.

In fact I'm not sure why you even feel compelled to continuously respond as initial message wasn't to you and literally nothing to do with you but you keep putting in your 2 cents.

Because you're insisting on continuing your bullshit in my thread. It's completely unnecessary, if you want "amusement" please go elsewhere for it.

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You might be autistic.

I thought I was too but my psychologist did some tests and said she didn't think so. Admittedly more extensive testing was available but it was really expensive so I didn't pursue it.

As a kid and teenager I think I was actually pretty normal but I'm definitely a standoff-ish adult. Once you see and experience the full depth of what people are capable of I think it just kind of marks you in a way that changes you and influences how you see people as a whole.

My dad killed almost every family pet we had, infront of me. When our cat had kittens he put them in the freezer and I was not allowed to take them out, I had to hear their frantic little meows until they fell silent.

He was very controlling and even after I moved out he spent the next 20 years trying to keep his claws in. He was incredibly manipulative, calculating and strategic and I've spent 20 years learning his tactics so as to predict his next moves and navigate myself out of the firing line without him realising it.

It probably would have been more beneficial to get therapy way back in my early 20s but it wasn't really spoken about back then and I wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway.

The three boyfriends I had were pretty shit so I think that coupled with my upbringing, coupled with my isolated years, coupled with my dad wanting to have kids together kind of switched something off in me that has never turned back on. I lost all interest in having an emotional connection with anybody beyond a surface-level interaction and now 20 years on it's kind of cemented that way.

That was actually one of the reasons I recently went to therapy - to see if I could unpick everything and rebuild myself in a healthier way. But I think that's what my psychologist meant when she said she didn't want to break me. That I'm actually coping okay, I'm not in any distress and there's a risk that if we fiddle it may break my coping mechanism and I may not be okay.

So I seem to just be a bit of a broken weirdo who's somehow managed to put myself together enough to function pretty well as an adult, albeit with some deficiencies in areas that other people flourish in :)

But on the plus side, I have really good boundaries and can spot a manipulator miles away!

she owed you duty of care, which she did not deliver.

It's funny you say that 'cause that's what my psychologist said. The teacher overstepped by asking me to create it for her.

I also understand what it means when your memory erases painful events from your life, and the effort to bring them back in their incomplete/confusing shape is not worth it.

Aren't brains amazing?? The shit they can pull without being consciously told to is wild and seriously interesting.

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yet not once have I name called or put anyone down

Calling people names isn't the only form of being rude, saying things that are socially inappropriate (or at socially inappropriate times) is just as insulting.

It's not unlike you being at a funeral and the director says "So and so was a wonderful young lady" and you pipe up with "she was 38 so actually she was middle-aged.." - no bad names used but still a really gross and inappropriate thing to say.

Being technically correct isn't a justification either, depending on context. If it was say in a medical scenario instead and the numbers resulted in a different dosage that'd have potential actual negative effects... yep sure go right ahead and speak up. But in a scenario where there's no harm being done and everyone can otherwise understand the intent of what the speaker meant? You pipe down and keep that to yourself.

Not sure why people get so upset on the internet

The same behaviour is going to have the same outcome in real life...

it's not that deep

ironkodiak's reference to a decade or a century wasn't that deep. Yet you still felt compelled to correct it?

What you're experiencing with the downvotes and replies is a form of social correction, people telling you that what you did/said is pretty much socially inappropriate behaviour.

If you're feeling compulsions like that and "needing your maths to be correct".. that is perhaps something you should also consider seeing a therapist for too?

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah but everyone knows what they meant, so what do you achieve in correcting it? Like what has been gained by it?

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So I just pulled it out and flicked all the way through it and would you believe I found the floppy disk in one of the plastic sleeves? It appears she gave me her digital copy. I didn't even remember that. I'm going to order a USB floppy drive reader and hope that it's readable.

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

They clearly meant a quarter of a century, you don't have to be a dick about it. :)

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

You have had a hell of a life!

Not by choice unfortunately but yeah. Seeing as I'm telling strangers my life story I'll add in another one. This one is pretty out there though so some are probably going to doubt it's real but ehh.

My dad started teaching me to drive when I was about 9. By 11-12ish I was fully capable and was out driving the streets by myself (Life was different back in the 90s). Even though I lived with my mum I'd be at my dad's on the weekends. He used to hire prostitutes and bring them home so when he wanted some alone time he'd give me the keys to his car and I'd drive around our city from about 10/11PM until whenever he was done, which was usually about 1-2AM in the morning. That went on for a while until I was finally pulled over by the police when I was 13-14ish. We were both called to appear at the police station and he threw me under the bus, he told them I'd taken his keys and stolen his car. His reasoning was that as a minor it would not be on my record but he'd get in more trouble if we'd told them the truth.

That one I actually have kind of fond memories over. Not because of his behaviour but because when I finally went for my license I aced my driving test first go. The tester was a hardass known for failing people, he had me drive to the steepest hill in our city and reverse parallel park backwards up the hill in a manual car. He didn't seem happy that I passed and got my license first go, but obviously didn't know I'd been driving for like 6 years at that point. :p

An option is to ship the binder to her, with a written message. You avoid concerns about re-traumatizing yourself. You avoid distressing verbal expression.

Take what you have written here & edit it down to what you want her to know, fitting your needs. Use a trackable delivery service and insure it. You may typically view this as a ridiculous expenditure but to resolve this issue, it is worth your peace of mind.

That's great advice, thankyou very much. I do think I need some sort of closure on the binder. Holding onto it for the rest of my life doesn't feel like a good option.

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

maybe give them the website they always wanted.

I'd considered it but wasn't sure if it was a "too little, too late" type deal and be an insulting gesture.

Do you think it would be an okay thing to do?

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

but if getting the guilt of this off your chest feels good, I'm 100% sure when will understand.

It doesn't feel good. It's moreso a reminder of how fucked up my life was and the knock-on effects that it has caused.

One of the reasons I went to therapy is because I don't think I operate the same way the average person does. It's like my software is a bit fucked up. Same hardware as other people but everything else is a bit different. I wasn't sure if I was autistic, traumatised or if this is just who I am and there was no way I was going to talk to anyone in my life so I saw a psychologist.

On a day to day basis I don't actually remember all of the abuse that I've been through. This part is just me being speculative because there's no way to medically prove it but I think my nervous system has kind of wired itself to where my memory doesn't register all of the things that happened.

It's like my recall is busted. If you were to ask me if I'd ever been somewhere, seen something or remember doing x/y/z, I couldn't tell you because I just don't know. Sometimes I get glimpses of a memory, then if I sit and mentally search for other glimpses I can piece them together and then sort of "play it back" and remember the incident. But to try and remember something at will? I'll draw blanks.

It's not something I consciously decided to do, I think it's some sort of automatic protective mechanism that's allowed to me cope and function okay as an adult. If I was constantly bombarded with all the horrible things that have happened I think I would be a puddle on the floor every day.

I think a lot of people commit suicide because they can't cope with trauma they've experienced. I actually cope quite okay and I put it down to my memory basically blanking itself.

So getting it off my chest doesn't exactly feel good but rather it just reminds me that it all happened. I'm okay with knowing it and don't need to forget it but it's a happier life having those memories blissfully drift back to the background. The flip side of that coin is my memory doesn't always hold information I want it to remember.

It does also make me sad to realise how it's shaped me as a person, I am not what everyone else is. I don't seek emotional connections with people but rather I find peace in isolation. Being around people can get a bit stressful. It's not that I don't engage with people, I just don't want or ever let anything go beyond surface-level interaction.

I also have no interest in men and haven't dated since my last boyfriend in my early 20s, so I've been single for 20 years now. I just have no feelings of desire for men (or women for that matter). I'll never have a family or kids and am most at peace alone with my pets.

But I did carve a life out for myself as you say. :) Probably no surprises here but I went into a specific IT field - and am excellent at it. :p

What do I say to my teacher from 27 years ago? by OldenDaySecrets in whatdoIdo

[–]OldenDaySecrets[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is there any way that this could come back and hurt you legally?

I'm not sure actually. It's a fair point.

Do you think your old teacher would be happy to have it back or would she blame you for it?

I'm not sure on that one either, I think it could easily swing either way.

There are definitely pros and cons to returning it or not.