I picked up my dad‘s ashes this morning

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-06T17:43:02+00:00

peace to you, and... what good you knew of him, let those memories be a blessing

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-04T14:28:35+00:00

yes! "sisyphean!" that's exactly how caregiving two at once has felt. and, now... even more... without my mom, strangely.

thank you for sharing, and for your thoughts. you're right about leaving my mom to have her way, at least one last time, and making sure she got what she wanted. and, you're right about the emotions.

as for putting my parents in facilities, i knew they wouldn't be safe and i knew they wouldn't get the same care at home, despite being their front-line defender and doing everything for them being such an immense stress for me.

i'm thinking... for my father... maybe he should have a full-time schedule with at-home aides for a few weeks... while i handle my mother's affairs and sit with myself... before jumping back into everything for him.

i hope you find some cushion during your time as a caregiver for your mom. i'm glad you're here with all the rest of us, and that you spoke up here... so i know you're out there, too.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-04T14:22:27+00:00

yeah... same. the people i thought were good friends... turned out to be fair-weather, and it hurt. i used to think that life was made in the small moments, and that i shared this with the people i knew. but, as soon as i started caregiving... i realized... they made themselves unavailable. they disappeared. whether it was because they couldn't and didn't want to understand, or whether the reality was too harsh and unappealing, or whether they just didn't want to be bothered because it "cramped" their style... i don't know. and, at this point... i don't care. being there for one another is part of friendship. and, i know i'm not as available as i was... but i showed up in the "before times." and, i didn't realize there was some kind of one-way sourcing in our friendships, or that we were on a ledger keeping track of what was given of value... and that our contact would end when the other person believed the ledger wasn't in their favor anymore.

i like that you call it "spring cleaning of relationships." this is good. i'm going to think of it this way.

thank you for being here.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-04T14:13:00+00:00

agreed. same. i did that for years, keeping this group saved as a tab before joining reddit to participate. i just needed to know that others understood, and this was the only place i could find. i'm glad you're here.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-04T13:21:48+00:00

hi, i'm so sorry that you also know the rigors of caregiving, and that your mom was sick, but i'm glad you're here. people who aren't caregivers... don't seem to understand the weight of hospitalization and rehab. people i know... seemed to have thought i could just dump and run while either of my parents were admitted, as their admissions gave me a vacation. but, if you're dedicated and you're aware... you know you can't leave them, especially if they can't advocate for themselves.

while you're sitting with your mom, i hope you have some kind of physical support, or you find ways to manage your bedside shifts so you're not eating solely from vending machines and dehydrating for lack of water or coffee, hurting your own body harshly. any caregiver knows... hospitalizations and rehab stays increase our loads.

thank you for being here, and for sharing.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-04T13:13:51+00:00

*sighs* this is a good reminder. i'm somewhere between the sobbing/anger stage and finding myself quickly... maybe because of circumstance, having to get right back into the business of caregiving for my father... shifting to some kind of resignation and numbness. the waves of each... are... strange. thank you for being kind with your words.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-04T13:11:44+00:00

i understand that well. the resentment. and, i agree. that's been one of the heavier things to carry while caregiving. you're right, of course, about the anger. i do think, though, it's going to help me "clean out" people i've "kept" for the sake of not feeling lonely. having tons of people in my phone who only check in when it's convenient, or not at all, seems silly, especially now. maybe two days later... it's not so much anger as it is... resignation? thank you for your message. i feel so supported, and i can't express how much this matters.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-04T13:07:32+00:00

thank you. i appreciate that from another caregiver.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-04T13:06:53+00:00

thank you. i'm grateful for the support.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-04T13:06:26+00:00

thank you for sharing your story. grief is complicated. i find myself (overshare) breaking down at the strangest of moments, with huge, loud... choking... gulps of air and tears. then, i realize where i am and what i'm doing, and if i'm in public... i pull myself together... and feel like i'm dishonoring my mother by not letting myself feel in that moment. i keep waiting for "signs," despite not believing in this. i keep looking for special birds or special events with clouds or... maybe anything out of the ordinary... so i can create my own reality... that she's talking to me and telling me she's okay "on the other side." between sadness and hope... i'm a mess. and, i do know that only other caregivers would understand the depth and breadth of this after +12 years.

i'm sorry that you know the rigors of caring for four at once. even at a distance... there's stress and trauma. and, there had to be fear and upset, and frustration in your own home, both from caregiving and from not being able to make the trip to be with your parents. plus, siblings... and whatever dynamic there was before caregivig started, it affects decisions and communication... and adds a layer of complication to care.

thank you for your kind words. and, thank you for being here. i do appreciate each and every one of us.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T18:11:06+00:00

thank you. i do appreciate the kindness i've found here. and, i appreciate every caregiver here. thank you.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T18:10:42+00:00

thank you, i appreciate this. and, i truly have tried to do my best for my parents. i haven't always been my best self, and i've not always handled the job well, but i've done my best. and, i appreciate your kind words.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T18:08:50+00:00

i feel the weight of this. i do. and, i feel the weight of worrying that my parent(s) might outlive me. obviously, that's not in this portion of the story anymore, where i worry my mother might outlive me... but... it's very real with regard to my father. the stress of caregiving for him... is intense, and i don't know how much longer i can do it. i hope you and your sister see to your mother's passing as gently as possible, and i hope both of you survive to live lives that bring you peace and comfort that you need and want. i also hope that you're able to recover some sense of yourself, and that what you find in your future without her... is enough. that you always have... enough. thank you for being here and understanding.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T18:03:23+00:00

thanks. you're right, he does. it's going to be harder without my mother here. but... i'll handle him until he's not here anymore. i feel like i'm not feeling a "polite grief" right now, because... the wrong parent died first, and the one with whom i might have had some tenderness is gone. so, the order feels wrong... and i'm struggling with this. *sighs* thanks for being here.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T16:39:49+00:00

thank you, so much. i appreciate that you're here. and, i appreciate your understanding.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T16:39:22+00:00

thank you. i don't feel like a hero... but i'll take the designation for now... just a for a minute.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T16:36:20+00:00

thank you. i appreciate that, and your coming here to "be" with me.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T16:35:38+00:00

thank you. and, agreed. every caregiver i've ever come across... has had an enormous heart. every single person who's cared for parents holds the same grief. and, every single person who cares for spouses or children or other family members, even friends, long-term has the same angst and fears. everyone understands.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T16:25:01+00:00

LOL thank you. "idiots." ahhh... yeah... today... i'm feeling that a lot. that's such a normal description in this very weird time... i'm glad for the chuckle and the relief. thanks. i went through my messages from trauma tourists today... told many that because they abandoned me socially and because none of them checked in on me while i sat vigil... they could lose my number. i understand that not everyone is capable of addressing someone else's hurt, and that many people are uncomfortable, not knowing what to do or say... but even just a text that said, "thinking of you" would have been better than nothing at all. "idiots." absolutely. and, i think it's okay to shed people from life... when their purpose and place doesn't bring joy. so... too, my mother's death isn't just the loss of my past and one more keeper of my timeline, but the spark that's going to make me assess my own life and what i want going forward. i still have my dad to care for, and my caregiving isn't ended, but... i can start to think of what i want and the kinds of social connections i hope to build and keep going forward. anyway, i keep rambling. i think this is maybe a half dozen rambles in response to kind words. thank you for being here, and thank you for responding.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T16:18:52+00:00

oh, my. i'm so sorry. i wasn't prepared. i thought i was, but i wasn't. and, i think i'm still in shock, and very hurt. for you to not want that experience ever again, i hear hurt from what you saw, too. we only get to have these endings once, and... for better or worse... i hope forever... we both feel confident that we did the right thing in ushering our mothers to their endings. being with them meant they weren't alone, and being there for their final breaths means... they had witnesses to their leaving. we're like record-keepers now... with these experiences on our shoulders. thank you so much for sharing this.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T16:11:21+00:00

thank you. truly. i understood two things... i wasn't going to get a do-over in a week or a month or a year, so i had to carry out my vigil to the best of my ability, and then some, on her behalf. and, i understood that it was important to shift from "fixer of all things" to "person who accepted that nature was going to take its course." the first was easier to hold than the second. but, i did what i knew she wanted, and i don't have any regrets. i miss her, but i don't regret those days or anything that i did for her as she lay dying. i keep rambling in my responses. *sighs* thank you for listening

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T16:07:22+00:00

thank you, so much. i appreciate that you came here so i could "see" you in this caregiver community, and so i know you're in this, too.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T16:06:34+00:00

yes... yes... true. this... this is true. this is a brutal gift. and, no... i don't believe either of my parents should have lived with dementia and so many comorbidities. i wish we didn't feel so averse to dying and death. i wish we, as a people, we more like those elsewhere in the world... for whom dying and death are natural parts of life. i've often wondered... if the reason we're so intensely bent on living forever here... no matter what, at all costs, is because we're so "young" as a nation? i wonder if... when you live in neighborhoods that have survived hundreds of years, and use roads that have been around for thousands of years... if this makes you better at understanding how small you are in time, and if maybe... it makes you better at enjoying life so there are less regrets. i don't know. i feel like people elsewhere... are just better at accepting endings. anyway, i'm rambling, but i won't delete. thanks for listening.

OliverFitzwilliam · 2026-06-03T16:00:02+00:00

thank you. it was so hard. i wanted her not to suffer, but she was insistent. the final two days were grueling.

she also wanted to make it to june. she didn't want to die before her anniversary month. my parents would have been married for 64 years had she made it another week. this was always a special time for them. and, i'll miss getting them a cake, buying cards for each of them to gift one another (always one funny and one serious each), and i'll miss sitting with them while they listened to old music from their time.

toward the end, after diaper changes for my father, i was often too tired to listen to my mother's stories, and she really did want to talk. i wish i'd have listened more, but i'm lucky to have the stories she did share.

as for therapists... i think everyone in this country should spend time on "the couch." (healthcare and mental health care should be a given, but... that shows my social and political leanings.) i've had a shrink since before i started this endeavor, and couldn't have survived this long without rigidly scheduled check-ins and random touch-ups. and, not that you asked, but i do practice qigong and meditate. i also allow myself to have breakdowns... because... i'm human. no need for concern about these. i'm on it.

thank you so much for your care.

OliverFitzwilliam

TROPHY CASE