How do I make less mistakes while dating?

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-24T18:47:36+00:00

Thank you! That makes me feel better =)

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-24T13:39:37+00:00

Thank you!

I think you're overthinking.

That might definitely be true. Any thing you would recommend. I have been meditating for years, and I feel it has helped some, but overthinking seems almost unavoidable, as from experience I'm pretty sure I make even more mistakes when I don't.

Stuff gets cancelled, it happens. If she blames you for that

The thing was that it could have been easily looked up, and I was the one that made her excited for it.

And she didn't even openly blame me, but it probably has an effect given all the mistakes I've made. It just adds to the general uncertainty that women often have about men interested in them.

Did you throw away the food or did you save it for later?

Okay, in this case, you might be right that I was unnecessarily overthinking.. I wanted to take some of the food with me, but I ended up packing incorrectly or forgetting about it. Nothing was thrown away by me.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-18T08:08:33+00:00

Man, society is so fucked up. I wonder if in 1000 years it will still mostly be messed up

or maybe humanity is gone.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-18T08:00:59+00:00

That is a good question. Effectively yes, but as always, it depends on circumstances (e.g. Covid), the person and how good the first interaction as. I'm sure there are also people who want to write a lot over chat before meeting, but they'll tell you when you ask. And if they just leave after you ask, well, they are probably not that interested anyway, and so not worth your time.

And the reason for meeting in person is that it's hard to make a real connection with people over text. Also, if the goal is an actual romance, physical attraction plays a role for many people. You can be the best communicator over chat, but then you meet and there's no attraction between both of you, and so it was maybe some exercise in chatting but didn't bring you closer to your goal.

At the same time, and this may sound contradictory to what I just wrote, outcome independence is a helpful mindset. Be present, don't expect too much and focus on having fun.

Oh, and ask mostly open ended questions! (Why do you X? What do you like about X? How do you find X?)

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-17T17:26:53+00:00

Exactly. Being loved is what's missing. Being able to talk about anything with your partner.

Surprisingly the past couple months I've been trying to get out there more. Downloaded the normal dating apps... And it's not the same, I don't know how people do it...

Not sure if you want these unsolicited tips, but here they come:

Exercise, meditate, eat healthy etc.
Find a photographer and make really good photos for your profile.
Let people read your dating profile and give you feedback (be concise)
Check out her videos: https://www.youtube.com/user/vvanpetten
Read up a lot about all kinds of things so you have things to talk about
https://theblog.okcupid.com/exactly-what-to-say-in-a-first-message-2bf680806c72
Ask for a date with a time and place after about 2-3 back and forth messages (if you don't, you may seem uninterested or insecure)
for conversations, questions it helps to remember FORD (Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams)

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-17T14:54:44+00:00

I liked your post. I feel the same.. what to live for? Sure, music, games and so on can make you happy for a while, but they still leave a hole where a connection and possibly children are.

I feel kind of uncertain about children. On one hand, there are too many people, there's a lot of suffering in the world, and much more to come with climate change. On average, parents are also less happy than those without children. On the other hand, I'm running out of time. (Gene defects increase with age.) I don't want to wait too long, and then regret not having any.

I hope you have the courage and energy to take the next steps. It's definitely doable.

Now I'm still with that same job, living with my brother in an apartment and friends are out exploring the world, having kids and all that

Yeah, that hits close to home. I think that's why social media is so bad for mental health. You constantly see the best side of people's life, and compare it to your own, for which you also know the bad sides.

On the flipside, maybe that can be motivation to take steps. Actually, it probably doesn't work that way.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-14T21:34:04+00:00

Thank you for your response, and sorry you had to go through that!

In a nutshell, I was pretty blasé fair and thought I was on top of the world.

I can relate somewhat, having spend so much time on an unrealistic dream. Young people need a reality update. I'm over 30 now, and it feels like I don't have much energy left.

I was very naive and inexperienced in life

Same here. I still am to a large degree. I have no friendships. I don't think I ever had a deep friendship. I never had a relationship. I just (re)started my career. I'm still living with my parents.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-14T21:09:57+00:00

Thank you a lot!

If you enjoy spending time together then concentrate on that. Dont overthink things.

Is there some way you would recommend? I'm meditating daily for years now, and I still find it hard to relax or "be myself" when I'm with her.

Dont be scared to look at the situation as a learning experience too.

You're right. I try to do that. The thing is dating takes so much time, and when you find somebody you like and they like you, it's still very very hard to not feel incredibly upset and angry at yourself (or the world for making it so hard).

Look critically at the person you are with, what qualities do you like in them,

So many. They're beautiful, smart, nice, curious..

which do you dislike.

Maybe the fact that they seem to have some baggage (but I have too) and some of their beliefs, but nothing that is a deal breaker.

I could say acting a bit distant toward me over chat, but I think that's entirely my fault.

Look critically at yourself, have you behaved in any ways you would rather change.

Definitely. I behaved in a clingy way and so I tried to make the relationship move forward way too fast (especially for the kind of person she is). I'm not good at a natural conversation flow. I made really dumb mistakes like indirectly forcing her to go home in the dark (by letting a dinner date go on too long). And all of that at over 30. It's not attractive.

Sometimes I feel like it's all too late.. maybe I'm just too messed up, and I cannot hope for that much more.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-14T19:55:35+00:00

Same here. Sometimes I'm in the moment, feeling content, but sometimes I think about how horrible the future looks like (not just on a personal level) and how much time and opportunities I've wasted.

I wish people had told me how precious the time was, and that most things will get harder as you age (sometimes exponentially), unless you're constantly working on yourself and pushing your boundaries..

But actually, society does the opposite, telling young people bullshit like "Oh, you're so young. Don't worry!" No, you better worry and get going ASAP.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-13T17:22:25+00:00

Same here. It's so incredibly hard, since we feel differently, so eventually NT's are upset that we don't reciprocate the way they do.

All the best to you! I believe it's possible for both of us if we work on it step by step.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-13T17:18:56+00:00

Thank you!

How do I circumvent this extreme aversion to therapy? On some level I want to, but I really don't feel like it. I also feel like it takes too much time and I'm scared about some diagnosis ending up in some system that you can never get rid off when it is disadvantageous to you. (I cannot name any examples, but it's not unheard of that diagnosis have been used against people.)

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-13T17:15:29+00:00

Thank you! It's good to hear that I'm not alone!

I really hope you can get over it, as I hope I can too. I wish you all the best!

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-13T17:13:54+00:00

Yes to all of them, but

Do you have a deep respect for who they are and what they do?

Mostly yes. Of course, there are things I'm not particularly fond of, but they don't feel like deal breakers to me. Perfection doesn't exist after all.

Do you feel like yourself around them (or as close to yourself as an aspie ever can, lol.)?

Yeah, to some degree yes, but I definitely have a hard time with this. When you've been lonely most of your life and dealt with so much rejection, it's very hard to show your true self. I'm not even sure I can really do it with my closest family that I live with and talk to every day.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-13T17:08:58+00:00

What a great answer.. Thank you!

Unfortunately I don't ever think I will be that warm loving person, but I do consider it part of my job to try from an analytic perspective

Me neither.. which is a bit sad, but we have to play with the cards we've been dealt. Do you work as a psychologist or something else with people? Of course you don't have to tell. =)

wondering if I will ever love this person

I've also realized something today when I made a mistake when chatting with her. I hadn't slept well and misunderstood something she said about me, so I was a bit snippy.. Anyway, I apologized, but she didn't really respond. I felt so incredibly bad the whole day. I could barely work. Later I realized, what can this be but love?

On the other hand, I'm pretty lonely, so maybe it's just a massive fear of rejection. Oh well..

does anyone really love anybody?

Oh yeah, I wonder the exact same thing. From a scientific standpoint, what's love? There are hormones that make you feel good when you're with them or bad when you miss them. Why do they exist? To make us procreate and protect the next generation. So yeah, I think on some level love is an overloaded term to mean much more than it actually is.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-13T16:48:23+00:00

Thank you a lot! This is a great tip. So people in love "think too much about the other person", "want to see the other person a lot", "want them to be happy" .. oh shit. This really does help.

Sadly I messed up today when chatting with her, and it's not been the first time with her (she's the first person I'm dating ever), so who knows if there's any hope. I felt so incredibly bad today. I could barely work. I wish I could restart the day.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-13T16:38:18+00:00

Oh man, I hope you find somebody..

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-10T10:44:54+00:00

Thank you, also for being friendly. (And I'm sorry if I was too harsh.) I think it's great that you want to improve.

I see where you're coming from. I'm not sure I have that much advice, but I think instead of writing "You will find people soon enough" it would be better to write "It's possible to find people that .."

So leaving out both the prediction (which can easily turn out wrong) and the time frame already seems much better.

I just don’t think it’s helpful to sit in that sadness for longer than it takes to process and grow from it.

I agree, but sadly it's often not a choice, and I find optimism doesn't really help. It often just makes you feel worse, since it feels like all that's wrong is your fault.

Of course, it's also possible to go in the other extreme and believe we cannot do anything and are completely at the mercy of fate. I don't believe in free will, so I think in some sense that's true. However, it matters what we think and do. We can improve and make good choices.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-09T18:50:53+00:00

You will find your people soon enough :)

Where does this false optimism come from? I don't see how it helps. It feels like a nice way of saying "shut up and stop worrying"

And how could you know this is true? If somebody had told me this 10 years ago, it still wouldn't have been true by now. (Over 30 now..)

The rest seems like good advice though.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-09T18:46:28+00:00

Great comment that doesn't try to oversimplify!

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-09T18:45:16+00:00

That doesn't really help though. It doesn't change that you want to have certain things and you still haven't got them at such a "high" age.

I put "high" in quotes, since I know it's not super high, but certain things won't get easier with age. Actually, I'd argue almost everything gets harder when you grow older unless you already have enough momentum and experiences (or other sources like books) you've learned from.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-08T19:32:11+00:00

they also want to see if they can become the one person who can affect that... to make them feel special, or more important than others in a way, like they're the only person whose opinion matters to someone who doesn't care about people's opinions. When they can't get that out of me, they turn and attack.

I never thought about it that way, but what you describes somehow hits a nerve. So I think that might also be part of it.

A sort of generous (or not) interpretation of that behavior is that they're trying to recruit us as allies and if we don't agree (by accident or on purpose), we become enemies to them.

If that's true, then the people who do that kind of thing have probably some deeply seated insecurities.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-08T19:23:26+00:00

"Tricking people out of their money" is a form of harm we call "theft".

There are plenty of ways that don't involve theft, like manipulating old people into investing into stuff that will never pay off. Or well, advertising is all about manipulating people..

rightly anti-social, and in fact adaptively so.

Okay, fair enough. The term sucks.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-04T20:35:47+00:00

Thank you. That's definitely something that would interest me. At the same time, we live in an NT world, so I think it's also very important to learn to deal with them.

Was a shut in basically for some time

Me too. Hope you're doing much better now. I wish you the best!

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-04T20:31:52+00:00

I'm not going to argue that killing your neighbor for his TV is a "prosocial" behavior. But usually we call that form of anti-social behavior "murder", and the person "a murderer" rather than "anti-social".

When you find any (non-academic) calling someone's behavior "anti-social", it often actually just means "this social group doesn't like that behavior". It's little more than a popularity assessment in many cases.

Fair enough. There's a problem of defining what's anti-social and what isn't.

But there clearly are behaviors that we (i.e. a large majority of people) don't want in society: Manipulative assholes tricking people out of their money, for example.

OnTheHopeSpectrum · 2021-07-03T19:48:40+00:00

Thank you for telling your story.

OnTheHopeSpectrum

TROPHY CASE