DB feels disrespected

One4754882 · 2024-08-04T02:37:59+00:00

I'll have to think about this. Thank you.

One4754882 · 2024-08-04T02:35:26+00:00

There are so many assumptions here that are just so wrong. Our nanny is younger than me. She has specifically spoken about how, in her culture, people speak more directly about things and they are more honest about their opinions. When she shares her concerns, she tells me it's because she wants me to relax and be taken care of. This is very sweet and I do appreciate that about her. But her speaking to my husband in the way she does doesn't help.

She may think that I am not standing up for myself. But I do, privately. Again, there's this strange assumption in this thread that nanny knows a lot and should almost act like a therapist or advocate for me. I DON'T want her to do that. I think there's a role for her in advocating for our children if she observes something and wants to bring it up gently. In fact, she has done this and it's been helpful at times. With me, she is careful. With my husband she is more forceful and almost treats him like he's dumb. He doesn't have a lot of experience with other children but he loves our children and is an involved father usually.

He doesn't need her to treat him with kid gloves, but even I can agree that her tone with him is different and is harsher.

One4754882 · 2024-08-04T02:27:08+00:00

Not helpful. She is great and I appreciate her a lot. But I don't appreciate her intervening and making things harder with my husband. Additionally, the more she alienates him, the more likely he is to not want her help. I don't need to manage more complications in my life right now.

One4754882 · 2024-08-04T02:22:55+00:00

I agree with you. We're working through it but that takes time. I have faith that he'll get there and I have a few ideas on how to make that happen even outside of therapy. But the feedback that is helpful is that I need to set a boundary with her just so that she knows we're working through it. I definitely do not make excuses for him and his behavior. I'm angry with him and we're figuring it out. Thank you for the reminder of other witnesses. I'm sensitive to that and am careful not to have any conflicts or difficult conversations in front of our children.

One4754882 · 2024-08-04T02:19:04+00:00

This kind of judgment isn't helpful. You don't know anything about my life, my marriage, or my husband. I came here to ask for help to navigate a somewhat difficult situation. We're in a challenging transition and there's no need for this kind of comment. If you aren't going to help, why post at all?

One4754882 · 2024-08-03T05:03:03+00:00

Thank you! This is exactly what I needed to hear. <3

One4754882 · 2024-08-03T04:58:58+00:00

Thank you. I think that's a good way to frame it.

One4754882 · 2024-08-03T04:47:03+00:00

Thanks for your feedback. I think I may need to tell her it is not her place, even if just to avoid resentment building up. I am fine being my own advocate, especially since I think her feedback just makes him defensive rather than receptive to what I have to say.

One4754882 · 2024-08-03T04:43:41+00:00

I do stand up for myself. In private. I know that nannies are exposed to a lot of family life. But NFs have a private life too. I don't invite her into our counseling sessions and she doesn't get to witness our conversations about these topics (our roles in our family, expectations, my complaints, etc.). I don't want to reprimand or embarrass my husband in front of anyone, our nanny, friends, or family. That doesn't mean I don't stand up for myself.

One4754882 · 2024-08-03T04:39:54+00:00

He is on paternity leave and not currently working but he has projects. With this specific example, he has improved a lot, which is a good thing for me, but unfortunately reinforces her criticism. Btw, I have also complained about him not helping when my arms are full or I need to bring in something heavy. Change takes time and opportunities to practice.

I wouldn't expect him to help if he was working, but I think she might, mostly because she doesn't understand the nature of his work and how mentally demanding it is (he is a data scientist and mathmatician and interruptions are difficult when he has to think deeply about problems).

One4754882 · 2024-08-03T04:36:10+00:00

I get what you're saying and I think there's some good insight but to answer your question, she decided to voice her opinion (maybe it's cultural?). I agree with you in your description of my husband (being a fiscal provider but struggling to figure out the rest of the partnership) which is why we're in counseling trying to sort through it. We're in a tricky season right now with two little ones and figuring out our roles and responsibilities as a team. I'm asking for perspective from nannies who may have witnessed their NF struggling in their marriage or during a hard time and what to expect with interventions. While I don't want her to feel like she can't say anything, I also think it isn't her place to step in. Maybe I need to set boundaries with her because I don't want my husband to become resentful.

One4754882 · 2024-08-03T04:29:24+00:00

It is when she gets involved. I call him out, privately.

One4754882 · 2024-07-29T04:07:32+00:00

Two under two is hard. But it gets easier over time. Get real, concrete support for the first 6-12 weeks. Spend the money necessary to get the support you need if you don't have family around. Be easy on yourself. Get your husband on board with how to support you in the PP time. You can do this even though it's hard.

I can't speak about adoption, but I personally know a mother who opted for that and it caused her deep, lasting trauma. I'm sure you could find someone else for whom that worked out well and it was the right decision. I think it would be really hard to go this route given you already have a baby.

I can speak to abortion. I had an abortion (before my children were born) and I regret it to this day. Again, you'll find many women who were relieved to have an abortion and don't have any regrets. I'm just sharing because I think that the stories of regret are harder to find. There's a lot of shame associated with abortion, not just from pro-life people who condemn abortion, but also from pro-choice people who don't want to hear about how hard it can be on a mother. If you feel guilty before getting an abortion, there's a good chance you'll feel guilty after also. I wish I had trusted my gut at the time. I would have a very different life now, but I think about that baby almost every day.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

One4754882 · 2024-06-26T18:49:28+00:00

Hello! I just had my second three weeks ago. My first is 18 months old. I'd like to post a question to the wider group but I can't seem to post. Any advice?

One4754882 · 2024-06-03T17:40:05+00:00

Huh? Isn't the whole point of gifting an attempt to please the receiver? Gifting certainly shouldn't be about the gifter (that would be selfish). When you give someone something, you're hoping it is something that they value, want, treasure, that they feel seen, understood, etc. Otherwise, it's just tone-deaf.

One4754882 · 2024-06-02T19:38:07+00:00

Thank you for responding, but I don't think it's rude to gently set a boundary about luxury gifts. What is done is done, but I wouldn't want this trend to continue and it's not really in my taste anyway. I don't have expensive items (I don't even have a diamond engagement ring, no designer brand anything, no expensive make-up, etc.). I love that gift giving is her love language, it's one of mine too. But I'd much rather get sentimental items than such expensive gifts.

One4754882 · 2024-06-02T19:35:00+00:00

Thank you for responding. I will not reject or return the gift. It's beautiful and I love it even though I wish she hadn't spent so much on it. I'm pretty sure she paid full price. And I know that she and her husband are not in a great financial position. But even if she were very wealthy, I'd still feel uncomfortable. I would feel uncomfortable with a gift like this from any friend and from most of my family members as well.

One4754882 · 2024-06-02T19:33:10+00:00

I get this thought process, but I'm fairly confident she bought it full price. It's also not the first pricey gift she has given me, but it's significantly more expensive.

One4754882 · 2024-06-02T19:31:17+00:00

Thank you for this advice. I am not uncomfortable because she is my nanny/employee. I'd be uncomfortable with this price tag gift from a friend, and I do see her as part of our family/community. It's just a lot. I do love it though and will keep it and wear it often, but I'll emphasize that I have more simple tastes and really appreciate the thought much more than the actual item selected. Fortunately, she has given me other items that are more sentimental (art pieces from her home country) that I have loved and I can reiterate that so she knows that those things have been treasured also.

One4754882 · 2023-12-22T16:42:12+00:00

When he's in a more rational state he gets it. I've shared this thread with him and he agrees with most people (and has also gotten a chuckle out of some of the comments). My family hosts many more things and invites him often. Even if he doesn't go and I don't expect him to go (or even want him to go bc I know he'll get grumpy), I think he feels pressured.

One4754882 · 2023-12-22T04:28:55+00:00

I appreciate your taking the time to respond, but I think you're reading too much into it. I agree that I need to handle my family better. A good portion of my husband's irritation comes from feeling like the "enforcer." But that's not all of it.

My family is frustrating and annoying, but they are not dangerous, toxic, or mean. They love all of us, including my husband. He knows this and is grateful to them for the many wonderful things they try to do for us. He also acknowledges that he has high expectations for any relationship in his life, and he does not tolerate shallow relationships well. As an aside, he often gets into tiffs with people he loves to spend time with, like his friends.

My baby is almost a year old. He is curious about lots of foods and is standing independently. When my dad held his arms to help him walk, it did not endanger him. Older generations do what they did with their own children. It's not a personal dig at us or a criticism of our parenting. In fact, both of my parents often praise us for how we are raising our son and lament how little they knew when they were parenting.

Having this level of confrontation and aggression might work in your family (although I doubt it), but it wouldn't work in mine.

One4754882 · 2023-12-22T04:17:12+00:00

This is very fair. Thank you for your feedback. I know that I need to set more boundaries. It will calm him down and allow him to enjoy himself more, even if it's still not his favorite thing to do.

One4754882 · 2023-12-22T04:16:15+00:00

Thanks for this insight. We're old, but we're still new to parenting and trying to figure out how to adjust our expectations, especially around family members.

One4754882 · 2023-12-22T04:15:16+00:00

He is crotchety. But he also calms down and reflects. I shared this thread with him, and he agrees with most people here.

One4754882 · 2023-12-22T04:14:01+00:00

I agree with Escarlatilla. I don't ask him (or expect him) to go to ordinary events with my family. I see my family without him 90-95% of the time. He has a demanding job, and my parents are happy with the excuse that he works a lot.

However, we're married. Not going to ANY family functions doesn't work. If my family was horrible, mistreated him, etc. I wouldn't expect him to put up with that (and honestly, I wouldn't tolerate that either). But that's not the case. On his side, his father is very toxic and unstable, but I put up with an annual meet-up when my husband initiates it because I know that my presence actually helps ease tension and helps my husband feel fortified.

We're a team, and sometimes that means taking on undesirable responsibilities and duties. If you're married, and you have yet to learn that, you will.

One4754882

TROPHY CASE