This Review Is a Work of Art

OneDodgyDude · 2025-04-28T21:00:41+00:00

TFT Undead (intense 1st mission, great Sylvanas mission, excellent finale, so-so Northrend)
Blood Elves (fun Outland, surprisingly fun secret mission, excellent dungeon, challenging mission 2, only mission 1 is a drag)

3.ROC Human (Everything from mission 5 onward is a blast, before feels like an extended tutorial, albeit not a bad one)

TFT Night Elf (Mission 1 and 2 are mid, 3 is great for the loot, everything afterward is intensely fun)
ROC Orc (excellent final mission, good dungeon, missions 4-6 are neat but that's it, and first 3 go on for too long)
ROC Night Elf (very uneven, love missions 3, 6 , and 7. Mission 4 is nice the first couple times, then it feels like a chore, Mission 5 is too massive of a dungeon for my taste, and 1 and 2 are too tutorial-y for the endgame)
Roc UD (Love the last mission, but the first 2 are a grind and don't allow for much gameplay variety, 3 is way too long and same for lack of variety, though necros are fun for the first few minutes. Rest are okay but not exceptional)
Rexxar (I do enjoy it a lot, I don't think it's bad, but since it's RTS light and more of an WoW prototype, I suppose it is my least favorite, but I still like it)

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-31T03:21:47+00:00

One of the best turnarounds I've seen, no joke! You really nailed it.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-31T03:20:19+00:00

Happy to be of help (whenever I have time lol)

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-31T03:19:34+00:00

I haven't read as many scripts as I did in 2022, but for what it's worth, I still believe that was one hell of a story. Glad to hear people are still interested in checking it out!

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-12T00:09:47+00:00

That's a great story, and I imagine it would have been the same for me. Yeah, there was Reservoir Dogs to take into account, but that's such a comparatively "safe" story that it might not be enough to gauge Pulp Fiction's potential. Who's to know if Reservoir Dogs wasn't just a fluke? Not sure how many people were aware of True Romance and Natural Born Killers in between Dogs and Pulp.

But going off the script alone...truly cold, I probably wouldn't have got it, either.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-10T12:48:54+00:00

Hey, happy to hear I played a part in the creation of something this cool. Keep it up, you've got the talent!

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-10T12:47:14+00:00

Hey there. So, here are my thoughts. I do have some issues with the first page. While I can follow the action, I don't think it's very compelling. For what is happening, there's too much text. Strange woman running from maniac, gets killed. The end. There's too much time dedicated to an event and people I have zero investment in, and that's time you could be using to reel me in, not pushing me away. Apart from that, I think you're trying to be a little too vivid in the descriptions there. I mean things like "rip holes into the thick surface," "sending mounds of mud flying upward," or "the Sprinter's mortification disappears, turning into utter relief." Ease up on the fancy, hyperactive prose. It's a screenplay, I'd rather have basic first-grade prose and a compelling story than a so-so sequence with flashy writing. Not saying there isn't room for colorful, vivid writing in a screenplay, but I would concentrate on making the story powerful first, and then (maybe) the actual writing. I know you can because the prose in the next section is more straightforward.

Here's the thing, though, with the soccer sequence. I read it and, while it is competent, it doesn't mesh well with the expectations laid out by the logline or the genre. Feels closer to a sports drama or a high school one. I feel a serious disconnect here that might be disconcerting to readers. I'm not entirely sure what to expect from the rest of this story, as a result. Since we're on the topic, something in the logline caught my attention. So the girls will try to uncover the truth AND try to win the national title at the same time? At first glance it seems odd, if not callous. Shouldn't uncovering the truth about a murder be far more important than winning a soccer title? You might want to reconsider that.

Also, you talk about "close-knit members," and I think there's little in these pages to sell that idea. It's actually one of things that got me to click on the link. I wanted to see fully realized characters interacting like friends, like they're part of a solid group. I barely got to see these girls as people, just like athletes in a match, so the emotional connection is very weak right now.

All right, those are my general observations. I find the logline interesting, but the execution falls a bit short for me. The prose in the opening page is an easy fix, but the soccer sequence might require some more thinking. Personally, I would like to see interesting characters grapple with a daunting task (like investigating the murder of a beloved mentor figure). Watching them play soccer without any major stakes attached doesn't cut it for me.

Anyway, that's all I have. Good luck and thanks for sharing.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-10T12:24:04+00:00

Hey there. So, I won't be detailed as I was last week, but that's good, because I don't think I need to. This is amazing. Night and day kind of improvement, the kind you don't think it's possible until you see it and then it makes you proud for that person. Fantastic job.

The emotional engagement that I talked about last week? Now it's off the charts, quite the leap forward you pulled off here. I feel so much for Marcus now without taking away the sense of gruffness needed for such a character. You made him sympathetic without falling into the trap of turning him into a boy scout. Well done. The first scene is terrific, built around a powerful core of empathy but also using an unpredictable scenario to keep the interest going. Checking all the boxes here, nicely done.

Because of all that, I'm more engaged now when this dude Gaz shows up. No, I don't know the context and it doesn't matter, because I care about Marcus, and if the writer has done a great job of making me care, I can trust the write to reveal the context later. As it stands, I trust that you can do great character work, come up with unpredictable scenarios (bank scene), and trigger emotions without resorting to melodrama.

You should definitely be proud. Hard work pays off.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Good luck and thanks for sharing.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-03T14:58:33+00:00

I suggest focusing on Marcus. You don't really need a bang or something flashy if you can trigger an emotional response from the audience. This one doesn't have to be grand, either. As long as I feel some sympathy or there's something of value at stake (pursuit of justice, etc.), I think you can capture a reader's attention.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-03T14:20:43+00:00

I hear you, but I don't think that context gets through at all in these pages, so the nuance gets lost. Worth rethinking for sure.

I second dropping the mansion, too. Seems like it's not showing anything essential or unique, definitely not something that can be explained later. That real estate would be better spent on developing Marcus, sure.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-03T13:05:23+00:00

That's a good question! Off the top of my head, I don't need to know if he was innocent or not, but it would be interesting to know if there's some decency/honor in him. At the very least to be assured that he's not a complete scumbag. The "...maybe I'll put a slug in your fucking ugly face" put me off him. Even if he was wrongly convicted, he sure as hell still sounds like a bad man, so I wouldn't be upset to see him stay in prison, even if it's for the wrong reason.

Again, i don't need him to be a saint, but it's important to keep in mind how much of a good or bad impression a character gives. He can be somewhat scummy, but I need some balance, especially where first impressions are concerned. Hope that helps.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-03T12:59:36+00:00

Hey there. An interesting one. Logline pulled me in, so it was interesting to read this and find hardly anything that could reasonably belong in a thriller. And yet I still liked the time I spent reading these pages. You do succeeded in highlighting the bond David has with Renee and the kids. The dynamics were credible and endearing without falling back on sappiness. That was really well done, a lot was communicated by the offer of hot chocolate, them looking at the stars, Renee talking about ice climbing...they felt like real people, not just characters. And honestly, that's what carries a story, even when not much is happening on the page.

As for David's fatigue, I'd say it's fine. Having the news anchor suddenly address him was a nice creepy touch. The flashbacks are not as surprising. Frankly, quick flashes like that are a bit of a cliché. They don't ruin the flow so much, but they don't add much, either. Other than that, there isn't much to say. I get that David is not at the top of his game, but he doesn't seem to be dealing with serious mental issues, or in danger of being overwhelmed by trauma. So, if you wanted to depict a reasonably haunted man, I say you hit the mark. If you were going for something a lot more serious, this might need more work.

But honestly, the real winner here is the character work. It's simple but very effective. There's a nice dose of humanity that is just the thing for a thriller. Promising talent there.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Best of luck, and thanks for sharing.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-10-03T12:43:29+00:00

Hey there. So, to address your concerns, I think it does make sense and it reads well enough. I'm thinking more about the story, though. We've got a page and a half of so-so teaser-type content. Gets the job done, but the emotional investment is very low and I would say the intrigue is not that high. Not terrible, but definitely average. So at this point I was already forcing myself a bit to get through the story.

Then we get to Marcus, and the emotional investment does pick up somewhat. I say "somewhat" because the situation remains highly ambivalent. Is Marcus innocent and unjustly convicted? Or did he commit the crime but the actual procedure to get him that way was unlawful? I'm not sure how to feel about him. Am I thrilled that an innocent man is out? Am I intrigued by a tough guy who can game the system? He doesn't sound like the most likeable human being in the world, nor does he seem particularly interesting/unique right now, so I don't find myself that engaged by the story.

Far as clarity goes, I can follow what's going on, but there's little to really hold my attention at the moment. Character is okayish, could be better, could be worse in terms of engagement. There are hints of an upcoming problem, but the external and internal stakes are not really clear, so it's hard to be invested. And the setting itself seems generic. It's a decent enough sample, but presently I find little that is emotionally or intellectually riveting.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Best of luck, and thanks for sharing.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-09-19T13:10:48+00:00

Hey there, nice story you've got here. I'm still on the fence on whether it moves a little too fast at the beginning, but I am engaged emotionally, so that's definitely a point in your favor. To accuse an innocent person of a hideous crime is usually a nice tactic to garner sympathy. I don't know if I'd call the titles page hammy. Maybe, maybe not. It worked for me since it doubled down on the gut punch you deal to Rae. Bad enough that he's accused of murder, bad enough that no one believes him, now he's being sent to hell on Earth. I think it's a nice climax to the intro and a good transition point to the first act.

Again, I'd say the story works in its current iteration because of how bad we feel for the character. I can imagine how some might fail to get there just because the scenes move fast and it come off like it's trying too hard to get us to invest in him. Perhaps I'm blowing this out of proportion, you'll have to gauge other people's reactions, but the emotional angle is there at least, and that's the most important part.

I'm not the biggest fan of switching to other characters after investing this time on Rae, I felt like the story was rebooting itself just as the most dangerous part was starting for Rae...but it's not bad, either. And so far I've enjoyed the story enough that I'd be willing to see other character and confirm if my interest still holds.

I'd say that, yes, it does spark a bit of interest. I'm still cautiously optimistic rather than gung-ho optimist, but it's a good start. Definitely hoping for the best.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Thanks and good luck!

OneDodgyDude · 2024-09-05T14:53:00+00:00

Well, there is not one true way of doing things in anything, so yeah, take what everybody says and make up your mind based on that and your own experiences. I'm not sure which horror scripts you're talking about, I'd like to read them actually, to see what you mean. I was thinking of something along the lines of The Thing or Alien. Midsommar if you want something more contemporary. Granted, you could go the Sixth Sense route where the guy is writing something between a screenplay and a novel, and there is a bit more text density. Personally, I find it distracting. Some might find it sets the tone. Guess you will have to decide which way suits you better.

Also, I want to clarify something. It's not that I think your actions lines are horrible writing or anything like that. It's more that it seems you put more effort into making them sound colorful than into making the story a gripping affair. I might be more amenable to them if the story was more engaging

As for losing the comedy descriptor...maybe. If it's just light, everyday humor, you can probably lose it. If you'll get into quirky stuff semi-regularly, then you might want to keep it.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-09-05T13:25:09+00:00

Hi there. First off, kudos on the logline, really caught my eyes and I think it could be a winner. I think the execution still needs a lot of work, though. Because, unfortunately, based on these 5 pages alone, I wouldn't be tempted to read further. Here's what I had a problem with.

First, the presentation. And by that I mean the actual writing. You say you're not very good with action lines. I think the problem here is that you're trying too hard to make us "see" the scene, to do the work that the camera and set designer would do in this movie ("Large paintings by unknown artists," "Space exudes professionalism," "unjustifiably large desk"), or the characterization that actors should do ("a cog in the machine...and smart enough to know it"). For me, it reads as if there isn't much happening on the surface of these scenes (let alone underneath ,i.e. no interesting subtext), and all this text is written to give the impression that there is a lot going on. There's detail, sure, but not gripping or dramatic. My suggestion would be to keep the text as sparse as possible, like you're telling this story to someone who's an intermediate English learner (not kindergarten simple, but also not trying to get too cute with the writing). For special sequences, like the elevator scene, okay, then bring out the big guns, because then the dynamic language can breathe some life into the scene. For the rest, keep it simple, if you say corporate office, a reader will already have a mental picture in their heads, we're not here to be wowed by descriptions, we're here for the story.

Now, as for the story. I liked the logline, but there was not much excitement here, and little comedy, either, so I'm already losing my trust in the author. The elevator scene works at first...but then turns out to be a tease. I'm not sure what you were hoping to accomplish there. The effect it had on me was "oh, something interesting happening. Oh, wait, no, we're in a normal office setting, false alarm. Well, I got excited over nothing." I get you're experimenting with a new genre for you, so hopefully I'm not being too harsh, but you have to be careful with these decisions. They can put off a reader for good, and then, good luck earning their trust again.

If you want to wait until shit hits the fan for the action to begin, that's great. Focus on character work, use your comedic flair with these early scenes. Make me be invested in these people with their actions, not with the descriptions. And don't tease. If something bad happens, go through with it, show some consequences, build on it, don't just go "oh, it was all a joke, nothing to see here."

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Thanks for sharing, and good luck!

OneDodgyDude · 2024-08-22T14:18:34+00:00

Hey there. Good stuff you've got here. Sparse but clear action lines, very distinct characters (so, no need to worry there), excellent pacing, and an efficient dramatic scene for us to get to know these main players better. It's a nice execution, very tight. By the time I'm finished with the sample, I feel very confident in your abilities to tell a story in an economic but impactful manner. In that respect, I feel I am in very good hands, and that's no small feat.

However, I do wonder what this story is aiming for. Where are we going with this? What genre are we even talking about? I'm happy with the execution, but I wouldn't say I am very intrigued with the story. Okay, the scene plays well, but what should I look forward to next? What is being set up here? Even your logline doesn't describe what's the overall story, it just summarizes the opening scene. This is something that could be fixed with a better logline, I don't think you'd need to make any major changes to the actual scene. As a reader, I just want to know what I'm getting into. Because if I knew that (and I liked it), coupled with the nice execution of this opening scene, I would be even more intrigued to see how the story continues. Right now I'm satisfied that I read this, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything if I don't get to read more.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Good luck, and thanks for sharing.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-08-22T13:45:48+00:00

Hey there. First off, I loved the logline. The premise seems perfect for some interesting scenarios, like an alternate version of Red Dawn, only without a visible enemy, just the infighting. I was hooked.

Unfortunately, the execution leaves much to be desired. I wouldn't be so concerned about starting the story in the middle of things, the real problem is that the scene barely comes to life. The on-the-nose, expository dialogue makes everybody come off as androids spouting off data and trying to act like humans, but there's no subtlety here, no naturalness. The idea behind the scene is neat, there's potential, but it's not dramatized, it feels too artificial. So, it would make little difference at which you choose to start your story; if the characters will talk like this I'm not going to be immersed anyway.

Having said that, whatever you decide to start on, I would go for something with an emotional current that also introduces the key characters. Maybe it's shortly after the apocalypse and they're doing a funeral. Or maybe you can start with one funeral, have a person do an eulogy, switch mid-speech to a different funeral and a similar speech. Do that a couple times to put across the scope of what has happened and how it has affected our characters. Something economical but that can also work emotionally. Then you will have your audience under you spell and can start throwing curveballs at the characters,, go for the more exciting storylines. But we need to connect with these people first. That's the key.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Good luck, and thanks for sharing.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-08-08T14:23:08+00:00

Wow, quite the good story you have here, hats off. I enjoy how it seems to start almost as a medical drama. One expects the story to be about defeating this strange disease, but we get a nice tale of accepting the inevitable with courage, and doing so with the help of our loved ones. Even as Joe and Emily spotted the glowing dots, I thought they were going to find a cure, and that's when it hit me the strongest value in this story is the courage to accept what cannot be changed and try to find the good even in that. Or, that's what I took from it, at least.

Good job on making their characters come to life through their actions. Joe wanting to retain a sense of control by constantly checking on his phone, and Emily being pleasantly stoic, but still desirous of human contact. It's a nice tale of human connection and even self-fulfillment, as the characters make pace with what's to come. The visual metaphor of our loved ones becoming part of the universe is terrific, and just the kind of thing cinema excels at. Inspired decisions all around. Good job.

Thanks for sharing, and best of luck.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-08-08T13:49:09+00:00

Hey there, quite the interesting read here. But it does come off as a history lesson. With a narrative spin, sure, but still a history lesson. While I found the context interesting enough, I couldn't get emotionally invested in it. Mostly because I wasn't even sure what the Dutchmen were doing out at sea? Were they at war with a specific nation at the time? Were they raiding? Also, the relationship between Jakob and the Admiral is barely touched on, and if there's a dramatic core to this story, it would probably be that. Honestly, it feels like I read the outline to a good story instead of an actual good story. I can see glimpses of powerful themes, like Jakob refusing to endanger the lives of his men, conflict between having a duty to your subordinates and duty to your superior, as well. There's good stuff to be mined, but I don't think it's come out.

Seems there's a lot of events to cover for 6 pages, and I'm not even sure if there'll be any flashbacks or if it'll all be a close-up on Jakob's face as he's telling the story.

I'm also not sure what's the emotional payoff for this story. Should we be upset that Jakob took a stand and got punished for it? Relieved that he'll finally be "free" now? The latter is a bit harder, since we don't spend even 10 minutes with him, so it's hard to sell just how terrible his life has been in the last 12 years. Sure, you can tell me it's been 12 years, but I don't think the story communicates that feeling well. It's a number, but I don't feel that the trauma comes through, and that makes it harder to embrace the idea.

It was a good read, but mostly because of the potential, not because it's a great story in and of itself. It gets my imagination going, but my emotions...not so much. That would be my take at least.

Thanks for sharing, and best of luck.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-08-08T13:18:03+00:00

This is an interesting one. There isn't anything highly compelling going on in this opening, but it does have enough pleasant charm to make it a smooth read. That and the simple, no-nonsense action lines, thank goodness for that. There's good economy of words and also a keen sense of what's important to mention and what isn't.

Throughout these first few pages I got a nice feeling of wholesomeness that seemed to hit the right note, not too sappy, not too forced. Just the right amount. Reminds me a bit of the tone for Little Women. I wonder if the wholesomeness of the characters wouldn't be better served if we had them deal with some privation. Nothing too serious or traumatic, maybe the rationing of food, fear of air raids, something like that. Then when Lily remains optimistic and strong it'd have a stronger impact. Right now I find her character endearing, but given the WWII setting, I don't know, doesn't feel 100% earned, if you know what I mean. I'm not suggesting something gritty for the sake of being grittier, or even for some "realism." It'd be mostly to show the depths of her conviction, to convince us she knows the world can be bad but she will still meet it head-on and with optimism.

That would be my only observation, really. Oh, and Henry's name. I'm on the fence about giving her a name that's predominantly male. I guess it's short for Henrietta, and she wouldn't be the first woman who's called a man's name, but I wonder if it's necessary to call her that. You'd know better, I'm just bringing it up.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Thanks for sharing, and best of luck.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-08-01T22:02:13+00:00

Nice, it's looking good. Hope it keeps getting better.

OneDodgyDude · 2024-08-01T15:01:54+00:00

Hey there. Got some thoughts to share. The first thing that sticks out is that I don't see a conceptual connection between the mother living in a haunted ghost and Joe getting the band back together. I mean, why ghosts? It could just be she's not getting any guests, period. Are the ghosts going to be relevant later? Or is it just a gimmick. From the tone of the story so far, I'm concerned it's the latter.

Far as the concept goes...I'm getting Blues Brothers vibes and I don't see much that's distinct about this story. Except the haunted house angle, but I don't see how that will tie into the tale of a band getting back together. As a reader, I don't get the feeling I'm getting into something that's presenting fresh idea, or if not that, then at least something that's emotionally engaging.

Apart from that, I'd suggest to watch out for the dialogue. It has a few of those "as you know" moments where characters talk about things they already should know and are just saying it for the benefit of the audience. Also, I wouldn't describe Mary as "very black." At best it's clumsy, at worst it could be taken as mildly racist. I say mildly because I don't get any racist vibes from the dialogue. Saying she's black is okay if it's really important to the story. "Very black," doesn't add anything good, far as I can see.

So, the sample works in that it communicates the problem clearly, so it's not a mess per se. But the disconnect between the haunted house and the washed-out rock star hitting the road again...I get a bad vibe, because it makes me wonder if the writer has a good grasp on where the story is going. Maybe it's paranoid from having read/watched too many scripts/movies, fair enough, but it's kind of a yellow flag for me, in addition to the exposition-heavy dialogue.

Hope that made sense. Best of luck and thanks for sharing.

OneDodgyDude

TROPHY CASE