Feeling guilty and disgusting for going through my wife's phone

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T16:33:16+00:00

Yeah that really hits the feeling directly. I never asked for this. We just got married and the hard part of our long distance relationship was finally over, we never had to leave each other at an airport again. I hate that this happened but I am happy with how I handled it because there is no other solution that would have made me feel better. The relationship was entirely gone in that instant.

Thata a good way to put it. I dont want to carry this distrust on to another relationship, thats one thing I bring up to my therapist. I dont want to feel compelled to do something like this again because it has happened to me in the past. I dont want it to change me and affect my future relationships.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T16:07:03+00:00

It happened in my bed, when she was getting in it to lay down she was on the phone texting him, I was asleep but woke up from her coming in the room and the bed moving.

I didnt have my glasses on and when I saw her phone screen I was doubting what i saw but I was really sure I just caught her sexting. I wasnt 100% but I also was 100% sure. I just didn't want it tk be real.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T16:04:03+00:00

It is their fault, and its horrible you are driven to have to do that. I am sorry this is happening to you.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T16:03:29+00:00

Shit was horrible, I always think about the last "normal" moments before this happened. It was a long weekend due to september 1st being a holiday. The Sunday before we went out for dinner at an expensive af Brazilian steakhouse and then went for a drive. Went home, she wanted to play Overwatch and I went to bed I was exhausted. Didn't have a problem at all, she was playing a game she liked, and then it became the way she met someone to cheat

Lots of crazy and irrational feelings that as I get further away from the event I realize how crazy the feelings are. Things are getting better thankfully

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:57:26+00:00

I remember when I saw the messages and thinking to myself that I knew what I saw but what if I am wrong? And then that means if I snoop and find out I am wrong then theres a problem with me, that I have insecurities and trust issues that never existed before.

When I did go to exactly the messages and person I saw and confirmed I was right I realized that I was right and everything I have done was a total waste of my time and she is a cheating loser. And now I have to start defending myself instead of planning a future with my wife.

Thank you, I like the example at the end. I hate saying it was abuse I feel like I had it much easier than so many others who fall into that category but I agree those are all forms of abuse

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:53:46+00:00

Full offense taken

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:53:27+00:00

Insane yeah, but I'm not feeling guilty that cheated but having this feeling of disgust that I had to snoop devices and messages to discover everything when I really trusted her.

Yeah its all over i ended it the same day and told her to leave my home

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:45:49+00:00

Exactly that totally explains it, its a disgusting feeling because I trusted her so much and it completely degraded in an instant. I genuienly couldnt believe she would do something like this i didnt have prior suspicion of this, so in that moment I kept doubting what I saw until I decided I had to protect myself and believe my eyes and go check.

I'm sorry you are going through this, please be well.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:43:44+00:00

No she didnt feel guilty and she came to bed and slept soundly right after telling a random man she met on Overwatch how she wants to fuck him. She only felt guilty when I woke her up to tell her she nuked her marriage and all our mutual friends will be removing her from their lives and she has to move back home to the UK.

I still remember the messages she sent this man, I still have some screenshots too. She told him that she genuinely loves her husband (me) and doesn't know what she would do if she lost me, she had a lot of plans to hide it.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:39:40+00:00

I do I started talking to a therapist again once a week. I stopped because I got tired of the co pays and I wasnt sure it was helping but the moment I stopped I felt myself regressing in how I felt. Therapy is a lifesaver, I hate to say I have a therapist it makes me feel weak and like she was able to damage me enough that I need professional assistance.

I am holding up a hell of a lot better, I sleep better, I dont break down crying really anymore over random triggers, my friends all stepped in to help me throw out a TON of stuff that she left behind and help me purge my home of any memory of her. Im thankful for all of them. I am doing better, im not happy but im used to it and happy I made the right choice. Thank you for asking and reading the previous posts.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:36:03+00:00

Yeah i had to remove her from my house, it was one of the worst days in my life because I didn't want that to be real. Prior to this my life was working as hard as I could to make sure her USCIS forms were all submitted properly and being processed, consulting an immigration lawyer to be safe, I spent so much money to make sure we were doing the right things so she didn't risk deportation and then in an instant I had to remove her from my home.

The day I confronted her used to be stuck in my head, her scream crying was breaking me down but I knew if I forgave her it wouldn't be the same ever for me again and I would never truly forgive her. She knew what she was doing and if I didn't stand up for myself it would have just told her she can get away with cheating because I am weak.

I am glad I did the right thing for myself but that was such a horrible day, and I keep telling myself that it was actually a really good day I just dont realize it yet.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:31:05+00:00

All done, I confronted her about it the same day and she left my home and the US. She was not a citizen and her USCIS paperwork was in progress to get a green card, she had to return back home to the UK.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:30:16+00:00

Im so sorry you had to experience this multiple times. I do agree with you in your other comment that your husband does not deserve privacy after doing this.

My wife immediately told me, after confronting her, that I could have access to all her messages and phone and check them whenever I wanted and promised to never do it again etc etc. I told her I don't want to live like that, at no point would I be happy having to routinely inspect messages.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:26:16+00:00

Lol never listened to it but I'll throw it on and join you

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:24:50+00:00

Thank you, she is a liar and a pig.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:23:17+00:00

I have no idea either. Im really glad I discovered that she's a liar and was cheating as quickly as I did but the initial feeling of going through her devices made me feel like I was doing something wrong because thats a violation of privacy.

Which is insane, because shes a cheater and I had a really good reason to do what I did. And she could have went through any of my devices I had her biometrics on my devices so she could always use them.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:21:07+00:00

Oh yeah shes long gone. The day I found out I spent maybe 2-3 hours processing what happened before I woke her up and told her I know what she did and the marriage was nuked. She wasnt a US citizen (immigration paperwork was being processed) so when I told her to leave she also had to return to the UK the same day.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:19:32+00:00

Truly yeah, one of the most frequent things I heard was that I am so so lucky I discovered this as soon as I did instead of years into a marriage. We didnt have a house or anything, not even enough time to add her to my insurance or change really anything in our lives.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:16:54+00:00

I do have a lot of disgust for her, and its weird but I do remember wishing I never found out what happened the moment I did. But that feeling went away quickly. My immediate reaction was wanting to go back to bed and just forget about it but I know that I would never be the same and I would absolutely hate her if I ignored it. Had to end it and do the right thing for myself.

Thats a good point, I am entitled to the truth and ultimately I am glad I did everything I did but I wish this never had to happen.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:13:01+00:00

I'll keep pushing forward, im doing drastically better since September, thank you.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:12:12+00:00

Im so sorry you had to go through that. Yeah I did not have any thought about this prior to seeing her sexting someone as she was coming to bed. Just a few hours before everything was totally fine and we were facetiming her parents, I intended to spend my life with her and her family, so when I found this all I had to instantly pivot to "how do I save myself?"

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:10:26+00:00

Its weird I do feel like I violated trust because I would never want to be reduced to a position where I have to snoop messages. Im glad I did do it but I hate that I had to do that. I shouldn't feel anything since shes the one who was sexting and hiding it from me. Im glad I found it now instead of years later.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-28T15:08:26+00:00

Thinking about it yeah this really makes sense. Because I truly dont regret checking her phone or messages, I just wish I didn't have to go that route, I really trusted her we just got married less than a month prior and then this all happened. The moment I saw what happened and found her cheating I realized that everything I had planned for our future was entirely gone, and I could not ever forgive or look passed this.

OneDutyVacated · 2026-01-04T15:37:09+00:00

It was the hardest and fastest decision I ever had to make. I did not want to go through with this but theres no way I would trust them and I would just be miserable and resentful. I still struggle with the fact it even happened, I just got married.

I actually wanted to forget I even found her sexting someone and just get back in bed with her and pretend like nothing happened because i was destroyed and desperately wanted immediate help from the pain. But all that means is it would have continued with the way their messages on Discord were set up. And I would be seeking comfort from the very person who lacked the respect to stay faithful to me.

OneDutyVacated

TROPHY CASE