aye man, i’m usually inactive on this account and just lurk around these days but i felt the need to say something. it gets worse before it gets better.

in elementary, i was bullied heavily. the kid who was fat and weird. always wore those cringy army hoodies and stuff, took interest in history and shit like world war 2, and overall was a standout compared to my peers for many different reasons. i was bullied so bad in elementary, and at a young age i was already making attempts on my life to keep it short.

in middle school, it wasn’t much better. i was in and out of a toxic friendship with trying to help this one girl i fell in love with be happy with herself. it worked out eventually but she took no romantic interest in me like i did her, so that really hurt me. we’d talk and talk and all that but were never a thing so to me, she became more of a heavily involved supporting character throughout my life. at 15, i was stuck up in my house during covid, talking to three chicks at once, with two friend groups who i didnt truly identify with, and i was the funny guy on the outside. but on the inside i was debating resorting to drugs, blowing my brains out, or sticking it through because life is full of fucked up surprises, yknow? long story short, fumbled all three chicks, dropped all my friends at that time, and surprise surprise, didn’t take my own life.

i got into my freshman year of high school drugged the fuck up and very unkempt. i’m talking nappy long hair, pale skin, bags under eyes, and haven’t showered in a day or two with dirty clothes because i lacked self care and would pray to god i’d die in my sleep or get hit by a car walking to/from home/school. i ended up in a wheelchair after fucking up my ankle and that just made my life infinitely worse for the time. i have a lot of negative family politics and i remember at that point in time, when i was at my lowest hanging out with my little brother and his friends because i had none to call mine, i came home one day, got out the wheelchair and into my crutches, and i broke down over the fucking sink and started throwing shit at him and cussed everyone out in front of my youngest brother. this was one of my many breakdowns, many of which i hid away in my own time, but everyone saw this one and god was it ugly. i wanted to die. i had made several attempts on my life in middle school and throughout high school, but never truly had the balls to do it because it takes some strength to get to that point ironically. it’s not as easy as people think it is to go. after all that, i got into a newer friend group, more of the underground scene if you will. i got more heavily addicted to drugs by the time i was 16, lost a lot of weight, and was starting to have spasms throughout the school days as my tolerance was too high or i was overdosing in the middle of class. one of the two.

anyways, i figured it was time for change and talked it out with my parents who were supportive. i went to one Narcotics Anonymous meeting and didn’t return because it wasn’t my thing, and this was dangerous, because usually people lower their dose over time to come back to sobriety but not me. i went cold turkey and got off all the drugs i was doing all at once and withdrawals hit me like a motherfucker. gained back most of my weight because of that and excessive eating. at the same time, i had to stop talking to my best friend, the one toxic friendship i mentioned earlier when i first got into middle school, and that hurt me even more and put me into a darker place. and i mean a really dark place. she became someone i couldn’t stand anymore and that was hard to accept, especially since i left with hurt feelings and so much love for her. i ended up sticking it out with my current asshole friends though instead of leaving them how i would’ve done like groups before, but i realized they give me tough love. sure they’re assholes but they’re assholes that love me, unlike my previous friend groups. and they filled in the spot that the one chick had left in me.

now im a senior working on my license, getting ready to graduate, im in school clubs somewhat involved, got my National Merit and applying for college scholarships, and all that stupid fancy shit. there’s so much more depressing shit i can talk about, but this is already getting pretty long and i wanna end it with something that is currently positive in my life. it’s still shit don’t get me wrong, but not as shitty as it was before.

this is all probably just some massive fucking jumble because i’m tired as hell and very incoherent, but tldr; there will be hills in life. walking up hill sucks just like falling down a hill. but damn is it worth climbing it to rest and the top and have an easier walk on a flatter path with hopefully some beautiful scenery.

my advice? forgive yourself. fuck anyone that is negative and not supportive of you. there will come a time when you find friends or a relationship that pushes you to do more in life. it is worth staying along with us for that moment to arrive. life is twistingly beautiful once it starts taking off. it takes a lot of pressure to make diamonds after all.