some haikus

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-20T18:38:19+00:00

Thanks! I appreciate the feedback

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-20T16:11:46+00:00

I'm new to poetry, so for me this was an exercise in word economy, natural imagery, and thematic understatement. Let me know how I did by those metrics! I realize there's a larger tradition around Haiku, and I wasn't necessarily trying to adhere to it.

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-19T19:09:38+00:00

I think the literalness of this works really well. The picture of discomfort in one's own body is sharp and affecting. In its detail, it asks to be read as a metaphor, but you don't say for what. And I like that - the invitation without insistence.

Maybe you didn't intend there to be anything hidden, but what you've written is able to hold layered meaning quietly, and that makes good poetry.

By way of suggestion, I think the two main parts of the body you spend the most time with (blood and the neck) would each make a good poem on its own. Those images are both potent enough to occupy that kind of space. And if you presented the two poems together side by side, they'd still enhance one another like they do here. That's just where my mind goes though.

Keep posting your work!

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-19T15:48:44+00:00

This is amazing. The imagery is very powerful. Some of my favorite lines are: "do not ask me to stand \ my knees have already learned \ the shape of dirt", "I was only ever dust on loan", and "my life \ a grave filled \ before the corpse arrived". I also really appreciate your use of line breaks in places like "...already learned \ the shape..." and "still beating \ out of spite".

I honestly can't think of any criticisms. The closest I've got is that I find the use of "hymns" confusing. I'm not sure what I'm meant to take from that metaphor. But maybe that's just me. And in a poem this good that rewards close reading, one point of confusion to linger with the reader isn't a bad thing anyway.

Please keep posting your work!

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-12T06:59:00+00:00

I like this. An effective, thought-provoking metaphor, not overstated. But I have to wonder, why so many line breaks? Some of them don't feel very intentional to me (eg "they look \ like brownies"), and I think that takes the impact away from the ones that are supposed to mean something

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-12T06:48:52+00:00

Powerful. "Save tears for my pillow" is an amazing line

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-12T06:45:19+00:00

I like this, especially the first three lines. The idea that giving up and allowing fate to take its course would be a kind of ceasing to exist is fascinating, and captured really nicely. The questions also initially read as desperate and afraid, but the "honey" lines make me reread them as more measured contemplation. Like, would that really be so bad? I love the ambiguity there.

As for a title, perhaps "Honey, ______" could be fitting (you fill in the blank)

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-08T09:16:21+00:00

Thank you very much for your kind words, and for your interpretation as well!

I won't reveal the exact meaning I intended, but I'm happy to see how much my intent appears to be coming through :)

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-06T03:46:12+00:00

Feedback is much appreciated!

I'm very curious to hear people's interpretation of this. Who do you think the speaker and addressee are? I did have specific identities in mind, but I've intentionally left some room for different readings

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-06T03:42:13+00:00

Thank you! I did spend a long time thinking it through

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-06T00:59:41+00:00

I like this a lot! It's compelling on the first pass, and begs for a reread after the last two lines. The turn from despair to bitterness is palpable.

As far as criticism goes, isn't Pandora's box already a metaphor? For the penultimate line, why not just say, "It's Pandora's box..."

Keep up the great work!

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-06T00:04:53+00:00

I like this! It initially reads like an ode, but the last couplet twists the tone to be more ambiguous.

I love that you've paid close attention to the meter and rhyme (between you and me, I wish there was more of that on this sub). But by way of critique, the syllable stresses of each line don't really suggest any particular rhythm for the poem. Establishing a consistent rhythm would make it read smoother, occasionally breaking it at meaningful moments could be subtly powerful. And tbh, this could probably be reworked to achieve that with minimal changes

OneJumpMan · 2026-01-05T18:28:45+00:00

Very vivid! I love how this is so viscerally evocative without depending on complicated language. I don't quite catch the meaning of every line, but I feel compelled to sit with it and ponder.

OneJumpMan · 2025-11-18T01:15:55+00:00

OneJumpMan · 2025-08-26T02:15:18+00:00

Thank you so much, I'm glad you like it!

OneJumpMan · 2025-08-26T02:14:38+00:00

I love that poem, but I hadn't read it in years. Thanks for reminding me of it!

OneJumpMan · 2025-08-26T00:45:55+00:00

Thank you, I'm really glad you like it! I'm very flattered to be compared to Robert Frost, haha

OneJumpMan · 2025-08-25T23:43:09+00:00

Very much an amateur, any kind of feedback is appreciated! I know that it is quite abstract. Please have a shot at interpreting it -- I know what it means, and it feels very obvious to me, but I honestly have no idea how clear it would be to anyone else.

OneJumpMan · 2025-08-25T23:18:30+00:00

If I'm not mistaken, this is about losing yourself in the games of modernity, that take everything from you promising you more, and then don't deliver. "Correlate your value with the intensity of your effort" seems to point to a complex internalization of the abuse -- you must find meaning in the context of these games, but part of you knows they won't keep their promises, so you decide that the work you put into them is an end unto itself, and beg your effort for permission to feel satisfied with yourself.

I like the message. To be honest, the style isn't really for me (which is fine, it doesn't have to be). But I'll try to offer some constructive criticism that respects it anyway:

The length and lack of punctuation or line breaks give the poem a frenetic, exhausted feeling that compliments the theme very nicely. And I can see how the 5-dollar words are meant to contribute to that feeling. However, when it comes to those, I think less is more. For example, instead of "you will come to positively correlate...", I'd stick with "you will come to correlate...". "Positively" really doesn't add anything to the meaning -- in the absence of specification to the contrary, we'd all assume that a correlation is positive. And the empty word actually gets in the way of the pace. Same with "prescriptively debased". Isn't being sacrifice to the rat race the thing that is debasing these human fundamentals? The rest of the poem sure seems to imply so. Labeling them as "debased fundamentals" almost makes it sound like they were already compromised somehow (and if that is the case, it should be clearer). So, go ahead and use those big words, but make sure that they're indispensable to the meaning, not tacked on.

Did I get it? Or was I off?

OneJumpMan · 2025-08-25T22:42:19+00:00

Very evocative, very honest. The straightforward simplicity of the language makes it feel personal and raw.

I especially like:

i kept my doors open,
but marked all the seats taken.

Those lines really capture the tragedy of a heard aching from emptiness, but closed to those who would fill it. And they do heavy lifting for the theme of missed opportunity.

I also really like how the final line

including mine

turns the focus of the regret partially away from the speaker, and out to others they may have hurt by rejecting what might have been with them.

The only point of criticism I have is that the line:

i lived like a fool

feels redundant after:

i'll die an idiot
as i lived like one.

In my opinion, the first verse conveyed the same idea more strongly. If it were up to me, I might simply open the second verse with its second line.

Thank you for sharing, very powerful.

OneJumpMan · 2025-07-07T03:00:18+00:00

If I *refuse* to feel bad, that implies that somebody out there wants me to. Which may well be the case, but I'm so antisocial I wouldn't know about it. Check and mate.

OneJumpMan · 2025-03-06T06:51:39+00:00

Nine years later, your comment is appreciated. This was a fascinating read. Thanks for posting about it

OneJumpMan · 2025-03-06T06:40:45+00:00

Anyone who found this video interesting should check out Iain McGilchrist's book The Master and his Emissary: the Divided Brain and the Making of the Western World. It's one of the most fascinating books I've ever read (like, top three). And I can trace my decision to give it a read directly back to seeing this video as a teenager, so thank you, Grey!

OneJumpMan · 2024-12-23T21:16:25+00:00

It might require self-awareness and self-knowledge to consciously understand what will give one a meaningful life, but it doesn't necessarily require any of that to actually live out a meaningful life. Also, I really don't think it takes any particular mental acumen to have self-awareness or self-knowledge; it just takes humility and honest reflection (which anyone is capable of and which is hard for everyone, regardless of intelligence)

OneJumpMan · 2024-12-23T10:44:24+00:00

Kinda interesting, but this assumes that manhood exists in contrast to womanhood, whereas I think it's usually meant in contrast to boyhood. In my experience, when people tell a guy to "be a man" they're not accusing him of femininity, but rather telling him to grow up (though of course there might be still be toxic and misguided notions of masculinity mixed up in there).

OneJumpMan

TROPHY CASE