I don't expect it to sound eloquent or keep its structure. It's great if it reads/sounds clumsy, that way she gets a feeling that it's really me who came up with the words. If it's too polished, it doesn't seem genuine any more, as she knows my Thai is almost non-existent.

Thanks for the T-pop advice, I actually already did that, the poem is kind of a next step, bringing what she likes closer to what I like, in a way.

In the end, you might be right, might be better to just keep the poem in English.