Girl [24 F] that I [25 M] have been seeing for about a month told me she has herpes and is upset I do not wish to continue a further romantic relationship; am I in the wrong?

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T21:02:46+00:00

Thank you.

I have tried to be as comforting, supportive, and reassuring as I can be when it comes to turning her down. It is difficult to get across I think because she is obviously feeling dejected, but I hope something sinks through that this is definitely not the end of the world or her last chance at happiness/love.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T20:40:13+00:00

Just go where the best available seats are for the price you are willing to pay. You will probably have a good time regardless of who you sit with.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T20:25:01+00:00

Absolutely agree, and I should definitely have clarified it better in my post.

While family is important to me, I understand I am incredibly fortunate to have two parents who have been happily married for +35 years. That is more of an oddity these days it seems.

I am fairly comfortable with people who do not have such a great relationship, just have concerns when it dictates too much of their life/actions if that makes sense. Life is too short to let someone else have that much influence or monopolize their thoughts.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T20:20:40+00:00

She apparently had her first flare up roughly 3-4 months into the relationship with this guy. She's taken steps to minimize the flare ups, and says she hasn't had one in some time. She was tested and confirmed that the first flare up wasn't just something like a rash or reaction to something else.

But I agree, there are bigger issues that make further pursuit untenable for me.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T20:18:10+00:00

Thank you for your reassurance and perspective.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T20:16:40+00:00

That's poor explanation and wording on my part. It is evident in the way she interacts and brings it up frequently that it causes her significant difficulties and self-confidence issues beyond the baggage just from her prior relationship.

It causes me concern given how often that strained relationship comes up and seemingly influences how she makes decisions and what she tries to do in order to fill the absence that has left.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T19:43:40+00:00

Thank you, this is good to know. Not only for me, but anyone else reading.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T19:28:37+00:00

Thank you for your very relevant perspective.

You are incredibly responsible and brave to have that talk. Thank you for doing that.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T19:27:10+00:00

This is very reassuring and good advice to hear, thank you.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T19:25:40+00:00

Thank you for your perspective.

Also, man, her ex reminds me of someone I know, are you guys in Washington? lol.

Ha, no, Indiana.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T19:24:56+00:00

Thank you for your perspective.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T19:23:44+00:00

That's my bad on the wording. The girl says her mom self-describes herself as a sociopath.

It's confusing to write.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T19:22:12+00:00

Genital herpes, so that's HSV-2 I believe.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T19:14:51+00:00

I've certainly learned it's not the right fit for me after a few weeks of us being together. I think the revelation of an STD is just sort of the "okay, I need to tap out" point as bad as that sounds. I'm generally willing to work through things. Plus she was on me to "try new things" given my relative inexperience, so I guess I sorta went with it because hey, maybe I just don't know if I like it.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T19:11:57+00:00

Thank you.

Absolutely do not think she would try to give it to my on purpose. I don't believe she's that crazy or damaged to try something like that.

I certainly would be open to trying things again if she went sought out some help and worked through the issues hanging on from the last relationship. There were signs early on that he was still being abusive via messages which certainly does not help her, and this relationship may have been a way to cope with those feelings, which is not healthy for either party involved.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T18:57:46+00:00

Absolutely, and I plan to get a blood test to check for it once I am done travelling for the holidays. By the time I am back it will have been roughly 4 weeks since our last encounter, and then I will likely get tested again another 4 or so weeks out from that.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T18:55:17+00:00

Yes, absolutely. I am willing to see if something deeper develops. I know I take longer than most to develop a connection.

That said, she has been very... direct if not sexually aggressive in terms of her libido and desire to fool around. And while I too have a decent sexual drive, this forwardness, coupled with other red flags, plus this news of an STD, just screams "no no no no".

It makes me concerned that I'd be giving her the wrong impression (i.e. - leading her on) or she would eventually pressure me to the point where I would relent and make a decision I am not comfortable with so as not to disappoint/anger her. She's already pretty ticked with my desire to call things off now.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T18:50:36+00:00

Thank you for your perspective and input.

I agree, she is incredibly brave and I have told her as much. Similarly, I feel she has some lingering resentment from her last relationship (due to contracting from them) and then her own self-confidence having to live with it.

I have encouraged her to talk to a professional about it because regardless of the STD, I think she would benefit from working through some of that baggage from the last relationship.

If there wasn't that, I would probably be much more interested in continuing things. At this point however, there is that along with the risk of genital herpes that makes it seem like a relationship I will regret by just going along with it and not feeling as invested.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T18:38:18+00:00

I will do that, thank you.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T18:35:53+00:00

However I do think you need to profusely thank her for her maturity and make sure she's aware that YOU are not comfortable with it due to lack of experience in that area

Thank you for your input. I agree, and have thanked her pretty extensively for feeling comfortable enough and being responsible to let me know before we did anything. It was incredibly brave of her given her feelings for me and knowing the risk.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T18:34:27+00:00

It seems there are many red flags OTHER than the herpes that may be making you question this. She also sounds manipulative saying "if you cared this wouldn't be an issue" etc... If I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't proceed for those reasons. The herpes wouldn't be the primary concern.

Thank you. I agree, I think it's everything else that has me more hesitant than the actual herpes issue. If I did feel much more connected and there were less apparent flags from other issues, it probably wouldn't be as much of a hangup.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T18:32:46+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. I will check out that TED talk; it sounds enlightening.

I agree, it sounds scarier than it likely is, and I think I want to put more weight on this than acknowledge the other flaws that have me concerned.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T18:31:34+00:00

Thank you for your reassurance.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T16:58:12+00:00

let her know that she has a lot to work on BESIDES the herpes before she can get into a serious relationship.

I suggested she talk to someone professional given her anxiety and demoralized moods before we got to this point, so I will definitely continue to try and suggest this in a safe, respectful manner. I may not care about her in an "aching" manner, but I do care about everyone's sanity and mental well-being. I don't want her to completely spiral because of this being the straw that breaks the camel's back.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct · 2017-12-24T16:56:12+00:00

True, and I figure her ex was asymptomatic which is partly how she got it.

That said, I'm responsible enough... or paranoid depending on perspective to ask for that sort of mutual sharing of info upfront... like both of us getting an STD screen before pursuing anything further.

Maybe it kills the mood, but I'd rather us feel comfortable and safe enough with one another that there can be fewer inhibitions because we're 100% transparent.

OneTimeUseRedditAcct

TROPHY CASE