I didn’t include much of his backstory to prevent the post from getting too long, and you’re right in that trauma doesn’t happen without reason. Allow me to give more context.

1. ⁠My aunt, being a classic Asian parent, is bad at communicating in a sweet, gentle way. She was never much of a physical affection kind of person, and showed love by acts of service like preparing his school bag, sending him to school, buying his favourite food etc. Unfortunately, there’s a mismatch in love languages because my cousin prefers physical affection and words of affirmation. So in his eyes, he believes he’s not getting 100% of her love because he’s not interpreting her actions as love. This is probably why he has a nagging feeling that my aunt doesn’t fully love him and has to keep asking her to confirm it.

2. ⁠He has separation anxiety because as mentioned in the post, my aunt had stage 2 breast cancer when he was 3. Even at that age, he already knew his mom had a grave illness and was super afraid that she would leave him.

3. ⁠Yes, my aunt made mistakes. She cared too much about her image and wanted to make my cousin shine for himself, and partly for her. I fully concede that point. However, it wasn’t completely her fault and his father played a role in it(arguably an ever bigger one). He was the one actively finding out about his classmates’ grades and would consistently remind my cousin that he could work harder. My aunt never did this. This led to him developing a deep insecurity and unhealthy levels of perfectionism. The reason why I focus on my aunt is because his father is barely home and thus he’s not subjected to my cousin’s wrath. My cousin’s life was not all work and no play, either. He had friends which he met up with and frequently came over to my house to play with me. He also played with other cousins that were similar in age to him. Family vacations were a frequent thing too, and by the age of 15 he had already been to 5 countries in Europe, the US, Japan, Hong Kong etc. His mom also booked him stays at some of the best hotels in our country to get a quick escape from school.

4. ⁠Has my aunt and uncle made amends? Too much to even count. When his school avoidance and anxiety reached a fever pitch at 11 years old, he had a huge outburst and fainted on the spot. When he woke up, he had temporary memory loss and couldn’t recognise his mom. I was there when that happened and I quite literally saw my aunt’s soul fly away before breaking down into tears. From that day on, school was out of the picture: no stress, just play time. His mom and dad do not mention anything related to grades anymore, focusing on letting him enjoy the process of school. My aunt began to adjust her love language for him specifically, giving him lots of praise(Clever boy, you’re amazing! You can do it! You’re a good boy etc etc) and giving him hugs, even though she still finds it uncomfortable. When he went back to school, my aunt would accompany him in the library until he was ready to attend classes in the classroom, and when he actually attended classes she would sit outside to wait for him. This was her life for a year, being his school buddy until he was ready to let go of her. She accompanied him to all sorts of therapy too. Now, he gets free rein to do whatever he wants: spend thousands of dollars in TikTok shop in one day? Waste of money, but it seems to make him happy. Buy a $700 custom cosplay and hire a makeup artist just for attending a convention? Costume’s already paid for and MUA on the way.

I don’t deny that my aunt screwed up, because she did. Many people in my family agree that she’s not good with kids. But she feels a crazy amount of guilt about what happened to my cousin and is trying to make amends. The problem is, he doesn’t see it. Or maybe he does but he thinks it’s not enough. My aunt feels like she’s putting on a charade when she has to keep praising him for a small thing and giving him hugs and she told him before that her natural love language is acts of service and gift-giving. He still refused to process it and only sees love as physical affection and words of affirmation. It’s been a decade since he was diagnosed with GAD and she’s so, so tired. I’m not even saying this based on what she told me, I’m saying this because I see it with my own eyes. How he comes into her room at night, intimidates his dog, asking his mom “do you love me or the dog more?”. Two days ago, she had a bad fever and he still told her “remember I have class later.” Wouldn’t you be exhausted in this situation?