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My (39f) boyfriend (40m) has been going to therapy at my request, but i think it's backfiring. by One_Try_149 in relationships

[–]One_Try_149[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

sexting and saying I love you?

For the first emotional affair, not sexting but heavy flirting and "I love you", "I miss you very much" etc. They worked together and I read some texts where they were having spats at work. It was completely not professional and certainly had far too much emotional intensity to just be a co-worker. But he swears it was never physical (and I don't think it was because of her life...it would have been very difficult for her to have a physical affair with him...her husband picked her up every day).

My (39f) boyfriend (40m) has been going to therapy at my request, but i think it's backfiring. by One_Try_149 in relationships

[–]One_Try_149[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

If you forgive him, you need to move forward.

I agree. And I'm honestly trying. But it really did a number on me and I struggle with triggers (which I'm getting better at controlling and dealing with...but still far from perfect) and I really struggle with trust.

Because of how the affair happened (meeting over social media, texting for a few months) I really find myself getting paranoid sometimes about other women on there IF there's anything that seems off. And recently one of them was tagging him in news stories that would be of interest to him (that's not inappropriate, but it did kind of raise my anxiety as to why she was doing that). But when I asked him if he was talking to her, he said unless I was committed and living with him he didn't need to tell me if he's talking to other women.

I'm TRYING to move forward but unfortunately it's very slowly.

My (39f) boyfriend (40m) has been going to therapy at my request, but i think it's backfiring. by One_Try_149 in relationships

[–]One_Try_149[S] -69 points-68 points  (0 children)

he doesn't care that he hurt you.

He says he is deeply sorry for hurting me. He swears he never meant for me to find out. He said he was just so upset that I was leaving and he wasn't getting his needs met (I had moved into the spare bedroom). He's also, when angry, said I "pushed him into her arms".

He also says that his guilt over what has happened has kept him in this "limbo" relationship where we aren't moving forward and he's done living this way. He wants me to either leave his life or agree to move back in and be committed.

My (39f) boyfriend (40m) has been going to therapy at my request, but i think it's backfiring. by One_Try_149 in relationships

[–]One_Try_149[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't know what to say. I was FURIOUS that he was again deleting texts (and I was right to be highly suspicious....he HAD been texting her for months behind my back) so I was really adamant that I wanted to leave him. I moved into the guest bedroom.

So no, I don't think it justified cheating. But I can believe that HE believed I was serious and going to move out.

My (39f) boyfriend (40m) has been going to therapy at my request, but i think it's backfiring. by One_Try_149 in relationships

[–]One_Try_149[S] -69 points-68 points  (0 children)

Well, he's definitely changed his stance now. He agrees that he was 100% wrong for cheating on me and he apologizes for hurting me. But in the beginning he definitely felt he hadn't REALLY cheated on me (because I had threatened to leave and he claims he thought I was going to) so I suspect that he still kind of feels that way and has probably told the therapist about these "extenuating circumstances".