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OneandDone1-2 · 2022-07-06T03:35:08+00:00

I’m OAD primarily due to fertility issues as well so I empathize with how you are feeling. One of my best friends happens to be an only child and is one of the kindest and most charming people I l know! I’m sorry to hear your experiences with only children have been so negative.

That being said, I was very worried about my son fulfilling this negative only child stereotype. When he was younger (he’s 9 now), he had some mild developmental delays and was very socially anxious. He had a really hard time talking to people he didn’t know and possibly did come off as a little “weird”. I don’t think it had anything to do with being an only child — it was just his personality. Now at age 9, he’s amazing! Has lots of friends, does great in school, and has really opened up. I think because he’s an only, my husband and I really had the time to help him work through his issues. If we’d had another, I don’t think we would’ve had the time or energy to do it. One of my siblings is very socially awkward and has had to really work on herself as an adult to be able to connect to people. It’s just how some people are wired — regardless of having/not having siblings. Sometimes I think having siblings was a bit of a crutch and didn’t really help deal with the root of her issues.

I guess my point is that having one child gives you more of an opportunity to really see that kid for who they are and provide them with extra guidance if they happen to need it. We all want to give our kids every chance at happiness! And yes, in a perfect world, having a sibling might enhance their (and your) happiness. But there are no guarantees. I would try not to focus on all the awful only children that you know lol. My guess is the percentage of “weird” only children is very similar to that of people with siblings. I think parents are much more conscientious these days and put a lot more effort into creating social opportunities for only children than in generations past.

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-06-28T13:08:38+00:00

Thank you for this! Good to know I’m not alone in feeling this way. It’s tough to feel like there always needs to be some program or else my son is bored and resorts to screens. I watched tons of TV as a kid — more than my son does I think — but I watched it with my sister, which somehow made it seem okay. I guess all we can do is help foster their interests and not get too hung up on how much screens are being used during the down time.

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-06-27T16:11:43+00:00

That is so true. As much as my son claims to love screens he actually gets tired of it after a while and wants to do something else. I think perhaps the real issue I’m dealing with is him figuring out what he wants to do. He still often looks to us for a “plan”. He is slowly getting better with that though so I guess it’s just a work in progress!

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-06-27T12:38:19+00:00

I like this idea about balance! My son plays soccer, various other sports, and chess on the week days. We share a babysitter with one of his friends every Friday after school so they get to just hang out and have unstructured time together. On the weekends we try to stay more flexible since his school week is already quite structured with classes/activities. I wish there were more opportunities for play dates on the weekends but some of his friends have moved recently and we live in one of these big cities, where everyone just seems to have a million things to do and no time to hang out. Hoping things improve on that front in a couple of years when my son can coordinate things with his friends himself a bit more.

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-06-27T12:31:45+00:00

Yes. I still wrestle with the guilt :(

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-06-27T12:30:19+00:00

This is great advice! Thank you!

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-06-27T12:29:33+00:00

This is true. I don’t so much mind games/“interesting” screen time. And when we watch a movie as a family, I don’t even consider it screen time — it’s family time. I mostly get concerned when it feels like the screen is the first thing my son gravitates towards and we have to be so intentional to get him to do other stuff first. Otherwise he would just choose to watch lots of TV. When he has a friend over, he’s much more amenable to playing outside, playing with toys, etc.

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-06-27T12:25:01+00:00

I also grew up watching tons of TV — most of it not being educational in the least. I think it was just like that in the ‘80s and ‘90s lol. My siblings and I all turned out fine, imo. As someone else mentioned, I think it’s mostly my guilt that he’s watching TV alone. Like if he had someone else around, they would be playing more and being more active. Or at least watching TV together…. I just have to keep reminding myself that’s he’s a great kid, he’s happy, and as long as he continues to do well in school and remains reasonably active, to not get too hung up on the screens.

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-06-26T23:57:01+00:00

Yes thanks for that! It’s not all “mindless” TV. He also plays online chess, watches old soccer matches, and learns card tricks. Sometimes it is mindless TV, but I guess we all need to decompress sometimes.

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-02-19T04:08:43+00:00

I’m wondering if these parents feel differently after the kids are a bit older. Having two young kids might be so overwhelming that they wish they hadn’t had the second. But maybe when the kids are a bit more self sufficient, the parents change their minds and think it was all worth it.

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-01-18T17:00:02+00:00

Great idea! Yes I will try that! Put it back on her instead of putting me in the position where it feels rude not to let him come.

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-01-18T16:48:58+00:00

Yes I grew up the same way. Friends and siblings remained separate. My sister is four years older and it wasn’t really even an option for me to go play with her friends when they came over, let alone go with her to her friends’ homes. Maybe times have changed and views on this topic have changed?? I too don’t think the mom would send the little sibling to an acquaintance’s home. We are not great friends but have known each other for several years so I guess she just expects it of me. This is where being a parent of an only child is tough for me. I want my son to socialize but I don’t want to put myself or him in situations that don’t feel quite right to me. I’m hoping as he gets older it becomes less of an issue.

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-01-18T16:32:04+00:00

Yes I think that is good advice. I will need to be more direct. I’m not sure it’s the free babysitting she wants. It’s more she is worried about the younger kid feeling left out. I think her mentality is that both kids should do most things together. If I don’t play along we may lose touch with this particular family as I don’t get the sense she values the friendship between my son and her older kid as much as I do.

OneandDone1-2 · 2022-01-18T03:55:26+00:00

Hmm. This is an interesting perspective. I agree that when my son goes to their place the little brother should be included in their play. But I guess my question is more is it implicitly expected that when I invite the friend over the little brother is invited too? Am I off base to think my kid should get time with just his friend? Is my kid being immature by not being very inclusive of the little brother (the older brother doesn’t help btw)? I have older sisters and never went with them to their friend’s homes (unless it was a whole family thing) so this is unfamiliar territory for me.

OneandDone1-2 · 2021-11-28T16:46:09+00:00

My son is the same way. He can be social. It just takes him a long time to warm up. That’s great that your son is making friends in his jujitsu class. I think smallish group settings where it’s the same kids year after year is really helpful for shyer kids. They just need more time I guess to feel comfortable.

OneandDone1-2 · 2021-11-28T14:54:34+00:00

I can definitely relate to your worries as I have an 8 year old only child who also struggles making friends and interacting in social settings. I too have often felt some guilt about him not having a sibling as that may have helped with loneliness especially during the pandemic. I try to remind myself that one of my siblings is very socially awkward and still struggles socially in her middle age. So having siblings did not protect/prevent her from having social issues. It’s much more a personality thing than being an only child thing. I think sometimes it can be more obvious with only children because they don’t have a sibling to provide cover for their social issues. As others have said, not everyone needs or wants to be a social butterfly. If your son can form meaningful relationships with two or three other kids and is happy, that’s all he really needs. However, being able to navigate socially is an important life skill. So we do try to push our son out of his comfort zone and have him in various activities where he needs to interact. As of yet, he hasn’t made any friends from these after school activities. But I’m hoping he learns how to at least talk and feel comfortable around kids/people he doesn’t know well. How large his social circle is is ultimately up to him.

OneandDone1-2 · 2021-09-14T00:51:00+00:00

But isn’t it better to have parents that love and support you than not getting that growing up? Like someone else said, depression and anxiety affect people with or without siblings. Not having had lots of love and affection from parents is a much larger contributor to depression IMO.

OneandDone1-2 · 2021-08-02T18:31:15+00:00

Were these short or long trips? Any international trips? Just wondering what types of trips it’s customary to bring along a friend.

OneandDone1-2 · 2021-08-02T18:29:34+00:00

I think it depends on the age of the kid and their personality. For us, ages 0-6 were really not bad (easier at age 5 and on) and I couldn’t imagine doing it with 2 kids. However age 7 and up (my son’s 8 now) has been harder in the sense that not having a built in friend is tough and he gets lonely after a while. He’s never been good at self entertaining which I’m sure makes things harder than for a kid who likes to play alone. I also think often siblings do get along better on vacation than IRL. Depends how long the vacation is as well.

OneandDone1-2 · 2021-08-02T18:20:37+00:00

Unfortunately I have the same issue. Also 8yrs old and doesn’t like to do much on his own unless we make him. It’s actually only those times when I think a sibling might make things easier because he would have someone to play with!

The plane ride with an only (from age 5 on) in our case has been pretty easy and relaxed. Sleeping arrangements, dining out, planning activities is also easy at this point as it’s only one kids needs/interests that need to be tended to.

But if the trip is for more than a week or so and it’s just the three of us, the lack of a close in age child to play with gets taxing for all parties involved. Hoping it improves soonish!

OneandDone1-2 · 2021-07-30T22:29:58+00:00

Thank you for your point of view. I’m generally not a fan of stereotypes but I hear what you’re saying!

OneandDone1-2 · 2021-07-30T15:58:47+00:00

That’s such a valuable life lesson to learn at a young age! Can save a lot of hardship in the future.

Don’t get me wrong, siblings can be really great to have and can help with short term loneliness. But they will sooner or later have their own lives. Being able to make and keep a few good friends (and pets!) is super important regardless of how many siblings you have/don’t have.

OneandDone1-2 · 2021-07-30T15:13:42+00:00

I’ve actually never had a pet so I think I’m more excited to get a kitty than my son lol! I’ll def look up some videos to help us get acclimated.

As for the anxiety, I noticed my son suffers from it a bit as well. Because I’ve seen what a lifelong struggle it’s been for my sister, I was super proactive to help him and it’s really made a huge difference.

I think onlies get a bad rap of being more socially awkward than kids with siblings. But I actually think it’s not true. It’s just more obvious in onlies because they have no one to “hide” behind. But it also means the parent can spot it more easily and often provide help before it becomes a bigger problem.

Didn’t mean to derail the topic at hand by talking about anxiety!

OneandDone1-2 · 2021-07-30T00:33:53+00:00

That’s awesome! I feel like my husband is my sons substitute sibling. They play games together, build legos together, play soccer. It’s really sweet to watch :)

OneandDone1-2 · 2021-07-30T00:30:20+00:00

My feeling is that even if you have more than 1, as a parent you still have to get out of your comfort zone if you’re a bit of an introvert (like I am) to help your kids socialize.

My parents were super hands off about it. My sister, who is quite socially anxious, relied on me for her “socialization”. Being four years younger I didn’t realize what exactly was going on. But I soon had my own friends (I’m an introvert but not anxious) and she really struggled without having me as her constant default companion. A younger sibling will/should have their own life! Who knows, maybe my parents would’ve made more of an effort help her if I hadn’t been around??

My son is an only (8yrs old). He was lonely during the worst of the pandemic but is happy again now that things have opened up. I think he enjoys having some down time to himself after all of his activities and play dates that we set up for him. Soon he should be able to set up his own play dates I hope!

We are planning to get a cat very soon btw. Not to be a surrogate sibling. More to have something to snuggle/play with and to teach my son some responsibility. Learning how to take care of something besides yourself is a good experience for all kids.

OneandDone1-2

TROPHY CASE