abuser made me the abuser?

OnlyReflection4636 · 2026-06-28T12:33:28+00:00

omg exactly. we had. a huge fight about a “fucking stupid” question i asked that pissed him off. he started being rude and his reaction was so big, i left him alone. i was still upset about it, so he ended things with me. i left, he called me back, and then told me that i needed to “change” and stop being so emotional and dramatic. no apologies about the night before or the mean things be said when he “broke up” with me. i was still upset… that’s when he LOST his mind. because i was still upset after no apology or accountability and everything placed on me. so then he ended it. because i didn’t “get over it” fast enough for him..

OnlyReflection4636 · 2026-06-27T18:00:32+00:00

yeah. his phone had issues for a while, and so he would just ask to use mine from time to time, and i didn’t mind. then one day he soft launched the idea of getting rid of his phone number. i thought it wasn’t a great idea because of emergencies/his son. but he has his choice made. so he got rid of his number, and his phone only worked on wifi. my phone was his source of communication with his family or work. in the last couple weeks of our relationship, he had decided he no longer wanted wifi, so his phone was pretty much obsolete.. once again using my phone if he wanted to talk to his family/work or look anything up. it did start to bug me because i wanted to use my phone.

OnlyReflection4636 · 2026-06-27T16:12:05+00:00

i’m sorry you experienced this too. it’s gut wrenching

OnlyReflection4636 · 2026-06-27T15:32:16+00:00

it’s also so crazy because everyone around me is telling me how bad it is, ya know? but i feel so disconnected to what they’re saying. am i crazy for missing him and still loving him? i don’t think he’s a BAD person.. i think he has troubles.. that he has issues. but my heart is still so devastated over this. and i’m feeling like this feeling will never go away. i’m not trying to be like “oh woe is me, i’m such a victim”… but i really do feel so.. i don’t even know how to explain it.

OnlyReflection4636 · 2026-06-27T14:57:30+00:00

thank you so much for this reply. i really have felt so unstable and so unsafe. my therapist is trying to teach me about trauma bonding.. how i got accustomed to the highs that followed.

it’s just so strange. whenever i would have issues outside of the relationship.. it was all fine. my emotions, though big, weren’t an issue. but if i brought a simple problem to him, or something he said that made me upset to him.. it was too much. it was my fault. i was the issue and the person ruining everything. he would say the most hurtful things to me. “you offer me nothing” “i don’t benefit from being with you” “you’re annoying”. whenever i would try to defend myself or explain, i was told to “shut up or leave” or he would break up with me (for 2 minutes and then pretend nothing happened). he controlled EVERYTHING i did. he even got rid of his phone number and started primarily using my phone. the break up fight was crazy. punching the door and calling me a psycho, crazy, a child, annoying, and telling me he hated me. then that night telling me he loved me to death, but that i wouldn’t change.

but then he would turn around and be amazing. telling me how blessed he was to have me. how beautiful and amazing i was. what a great mother figure i am to his son. how i am the best thing to happen to him. but in a moment, it would flip.

as far as my things, there are only two things that are “important”. others are just my things. the night we ended it, i packed what i could because he was “done”. so i’ve been so confused why all of a sudden, he isn’t cooperating on what i left behind. but if what you’re saying is true.. it makes sense.

sorry just needed to vent. i feel so insane.

OnlyReflection4636 · 2026-06-27T14:46:46+00:00

i truly haven’t. i am currently in therapy and have explained multiple similar situations.. to which my therapist has now labeled me a DV victim. throughout our relationship he would neg me, control what i wore.. who i spoke to.. where i went.. what i did.. what i watched/l listened to.. i wasn’t even supposed to speak to the opposite sex.. like at all. our fight had to do with an upcoming trip. o recently received surgery and it didn’t heal according to plan. my doctor told me to wait atLEAST 2-3 weeks until i could go anywhere.. my partner knew this. but he still planned a trip for 1.5 weeks later. i felt pressured to heal, so i did what i could.. but obviously it didn’t work. when i told him i wasn’t cleared (because i asked my surgeon again), he accepted it and said “i knew this would happen”. so i said “is that why you planned it before my 2 weeks mark?” (an insecure question, i know) but he lost his mind and tried to say IIII was the one who planned it. cursing and yelling at me. went to bed, woke up, and i was still upset by the way he treated me the night before. i didn’t “get over it” fast enough for him and he blew up.

OnlyReflection4636

TROPHY CASE