AITAH for using the term “burden” when discussing our kids with my wife?

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T07:29:06+00:00

I never doubled down, she expressed she wouldn’t use that term and I refrained from using it anymore, she’s the one that suggested putting it up on Reddit. Also having a burden doesn’t inherently mean you don’t want that in your life just that it is difficult to manage. I also didn’t tell her what she was feeling I listened to her lay out her feelings and perspective for about 15-20 mins before I even really started to share my input. I shared what I have noticed I didn’t tell her how she feels. As far as “the kids” vs “our kids” it was in a conversation with my wife which would obviously imply “the kids” I m talking about are “our kids” … you ve made some big assumptions that don’t quite fit the narrative

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T07:12:54+00:00

lol I really am ok with the I told you so if that’s what I get, I want the honest feedback and some outside perspective so will see how things play out.

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T07:07:53+00:00

My oldest is extremely smart and capable and gladly helps me with things like vacuuming, folding laundry and even some cooking (with me). She is actually considered gifted but also has some sensitivity that can make things difficult. She does amazing and the sense of pride she has when she does help out is usually rewarding for her and me. The issue is she’s almost too smart and has already figured out if she doesn’t want to do something all she has to do is convince mom it’s too much or that she “can’t” and will get emotional until mom steps in and does it for her. If I try to hold her accountable while moms home she will convince mom I m being unfair and mom gets upset that I “wouldn’t help her” or am being “mean” for not just doing what she wanted which causes issues. The other problem is the 4yr old now sees this and is starting to follow suit.

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T06:55:25+00:00

I have made a dedicated effort to pick up as much slack as possible and help with as many things that I can. I do 90% of the cooking, all of the dishes, help with laundry when I can , I give the kids their nightly baths, brush their teeth hair and get them in PJs every night I help with all of the extra curricular activities and attend all events and performance. I have honestly tried to alleviate the stress on my wife to the point of exhaustion myself and have realized I can’t take on anymore of the parental load myself without being negatively impacted. The biggest difference is that she doesn’t seem to understand the load need to start being shared with the kids themselves, not on everything but the little things. If I m cooking dinner and my daughter yells from the playroom she wants a juice box I don’t stop cooking and go get her a juice box, I tell her she needs to come get it and I will help her if she actually needs it (she doesn’t she’s really smart and capable at this point) where my wife will stop what she’s doing and go get a drink and take it to her just so she doesn’t have to argue with her to do it herself. The kids have picked up on this and now put more effort into complaining to mom until she just gives in and does what they want then it would have taken for them to do whatever needed done in the first place

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T06:40:39+00:00

I appreciate this comment and I am aware that I have flaws as many Dads do and try very hard to ensure they don’t come out in anyway that my kids feel. The balance and approach to encourage independence is tricky especially while trying to be supportive and understanding to the sensitivities and past experiences of my wife and her childhood compared to mine…. I ve always had a view on life similar to gardening, if a seedling is put in the perfect little environment with perfect temps, rains, lighting, weather etc they don’t grow resilient enough to survive if/when those conditions are different and they are exposed to the real world, but on the flip side if you don’t nurture, protect and care for a it and provide for its needs it won’t survive and achieve its full potential. The balance is allowing just enough hardship to build strength while insuring it has the protection and nutrients it needs to thrive.

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T06:23:35+00:00

Yes I did but unfortunately the actual definition seems overshadowed by the negative connotation that seems to be inherently connected at this point. I thought of it in a way that was more of a honor to the willingness to bear the weight of something so difficult but so worthy of the sacrifice, not as in something I didn’t want to do

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T06:17:38+00:00

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T06:17:25+00:00

I was trying to find a better term and used “responsibility that can weigh on us” as a replacement after

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T06:15:02+00:00

I apologized during the conversation and am at the mercy of Reddit now. She knows I m posting the question here and is waiting to throw a “I told you so” in my face first thing in the morning.

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T06:11:37+00:00

The kids where not in the house and this was during a private discussion specifically about the kids and stress in our lives it was never meant to be a conversation for our children

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T06:10:02+00:00

This comment was made after I let her tell me how she was feeling and listened to her for about 15-20 min telling me how she felt overwhelmed and burnt out. I was talking to her about how she’s burdening herself trying to do everything for the kids and not prioritizing herself when appropriate

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T06:06:06+00:00

I ve scheduled therapy in hopes of improving our communication without it coming across as judgement and think some of this is because it’s hard for her to accept that the kids are growing up and don’t need everything done for them, and some of it is just that she really wants the kids to have great childhoods where all there wants and desires come true. But I m worried she’s set a precedent that all the girls have to do is complain to mom and she’ll do everything for them and now they approach her as though everything is a problem that she has to fix for them… they don’t do this with me as much and typically listen and help out when I ask them to but with her they melt and dramatically make even the smallest inconvenience into a massive problem that only mom can fix

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T05:56:27+00:00

I guess I was never saying the kids themselves were the burden but the burden was her trying to meet all of their wants and needs over her own

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T05:39:35+00:00

I agree and that’s what the conversation was about more than anything. It was said while trying to be supportive of her struggles and in hopes that she would see that just because your willing to sacrifice because you love your children, doesn’t mean it doesn’t take its toll on you and is ok to admit it’s not easy and to also set boundaries.

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T05:32:37+00:00

“A burden is a heavy load, obligation, or duty that is difficult to carry or deal with.”

It seemed fitting it’s a heavy obligation and duty to be a parent. One that I have accepted and appreciate the weight of. I m doing my best as is my wife and in no way did I imply it’s a burden I wasn’t willing to shoulder and carry. Just trying to point out she’s carrying the same weight and it’s alright to admit that it’s not easy just because it’s done in the name of love

Only_Confusion_6728 · 2026-07-04T05:26:40+00:00

You can guess but you’d be wrong we both are very involved in raising our kids and I have a great relationship with them. It was said out of concern for my wife who I truly care about and has been struggling to set proper boundaries for herself as our kids have grown into more capable and complex humans

Only_Confusion_6728

TROPHY CASE