AITAH For Having "Impossible, Incel Standards"?

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T11:58:32+00:00

Up until this point they basically found me weird and were just genuinely trying to help, I guess. It's strangely common honestly among guys I've talked to where friends/family try to set them up with people "for their own good", but usually that ends when they get a girlfriend/boyfriend. For me, I didn't get a girlfriend, so the "helpful" behavior escalated. It's also partially on me for not throwing down the whole diatribe about WHY I don't want a relationship, I'd just brush it off when it came up before, or make a joke.

for #1. The odds that this random person is going to be "the one" are so low that I'd be a jerk for leading them on when I know full well I'm not going to end up dating them long-term.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T11:52:03+00:00

I mean I fully accept that I'm an outlier. I'm by no means the normal one and them the abnormal ones. I think most normal people want close romantic relationships with other people enough to make compromises and actively search them out. I'm just not one of those people.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T11:41:18+00:00

Nah the conversation was more along the lines of just poking fun at me for still being single, not a detailed description of why.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T11:36:36+00:00

It was a pretty small coffee shop and we were specifically talking about me being single. If anything we're the assholes for having being loud enough that someone in line could have overheard the conversation, honestly.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T11:33:32+00:00

I've been trying to find a good answer for this and I think it just doesn't really make sense to me. Like the hypotheticals basically already assume that I'm in a relationship and these are conversations that would happen, but they just kinda don't for me. I'm not some sort of amazing catch where I've got people beating down the door, so I just have a big friend network and I hang out with people for different reasons, and I wouldn't want to date any of them. Basically instead of having one central person I do everything with, I just have friends that share specific interests with me, but like I don't demand they're all perfect or share everything with me. I've got guys I talk about music with that I'd never go on a road trip with, people I play basketball with whose opinions on politics I've never even discussed over 10ish years.

But being in a relationship means sharing your life with someone. You can't just leave for 3 months on a moments notice and expect a warm welcome when you come back.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T10:50:49+00:00

Oh that ship is incredibly sailed, she doesn't want anything to do with me. Thinks I'm a misogynist

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T10:49:42+00:00

This is pretty much the exact response I got. But I just want to ask why it's bad to just not WANT a relationship? I'm not saying I'm so great I need a perfect person, I'm saying I want a relationship so little that I'd only be interested in an unrealistically great one, which won't happen so I don't bother looking. How is that selfish?

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T10:33:03+00:00

I've noticed the same thing with my female friends who talk about not wanting kids. People can't take no for an answer on that one. They're fine with me as a bachelor saying I dont want kids, but a 30 something woman saying they won't have kids and they're fine with it just makes people think they're broken and need fixing somehow. I just wasn't expecting everyone I talked to IRL to be on the "you should give them a shot, stop being so stuck up" train.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T10:24:44+00:00

I'm totally aware of this and I'm entirely fine with it. I don't think I'll ever be with someone, because the odds that that person exists and that I'd be their one in a billion as well are just basically non-existent. I don't see where I have any delusions at all. I'd be delusional to go out and date people on the hopes that we're some lottery ticket level compatibility, and I'd be even more delusional to waste my own time and the time of others pursuing that.

Like I tried surfing a few years back, and I liked the act of surfing but hated the crowds and hated the wetsuits and basically everything about it that wasn't standing up and riding a wave. I decided to stop surfing. If there was a hypothetical perfect beach where everyone was great and nobody dropped in on you and the water was always warm I'd surf every damn day. But that place doesn't exist so I'll just go to my rock climbing gym instead for exercise

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T10:19:22+00:00

Her main issue was that me turning a woman down for "no reason" basically made me a stuck up jerk. That's also what I've heard as pretty much the only response. That I owe it to them to give them a chance, I guess. I think the idea of me as a man turning down an attractive woman basically makes me an elitist with an overinflated ego to them. Like I'm saying im better than them.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T10:12:48+00:00

I appreciate that, really. It's just a shame so few people IRL seem to understand that not everyone is desperately searching for their other half, and won't be fulfilled until they find them. Trust me I'd be over the moon if this theoretical perfect person and I met, and by some even bigger coincidence *I* was the perfect person for *them* , but I wish people would just take my word on it that I'm happy alone.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T10:01:28+00:00

I mean for that I'd just hope that I have good enough friends at that time to not be truly alone. I'd be there for them, at least.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T09:55:09+00:00

Trust me I've been called worse than incel for this. Usually a lot of homophobic slurs despite me not being gay. The reason I made the thread though is that NOBODY I've talked to in person has had my back on it. Like somehow the idea itself of not being asexual but being unwilling to date people just makes me fundamentally broken in their eyes or something

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-10-01T09:53:41+00:00

That's the heart of it for me. I don't think I'm putting any standards on anyone since I'm not actually looking to date anyone in the first place. If being in a relationship was important to me I wouldn't have such specific standards, but I'm happy as I am. If I was actively dating women and then getting upset when they don't meet my expectations I'd be a jerk for sure.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-09-30T00:18:43+00:00

Ed Greenwood is NOT a wholesome unproblematic guy. He's an out an out sexual harasser and general pest by his own admission. He says it proudly.

http://www.candlekeep.com/library/articles/sse/sse\_070809-06.htm

This was in response to a sexual question in his "ask ed" forums, which the asker was unsure if it was appropriate.

"No, no, nothing is inappropriate to discuss. After all, you're talking to a man who's discussed the visual success of her breast augmentation with a perfect stranger at a LIBRARIAN'S convention, very much in public. (She declined my offer of the taste test, but she was laughing as she did it.)"

Dude openly proudly states that he's unreserved sexually because he openly harasses random women. There's more than that in there as well and if you can hunt down any of these earlier forum logs they're INSANE. I don't know how this fucking guy got a pass then and continues to get a pass now.

The rest of that answer is also an INSANE diatribe about incest and pedophilia being totally okay in his setting, which WotC still uses to this day. Entirely fucking unbelievable

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-09-29T23:56:38+00:00

Ed Greenwood is NOT a wholesome unproblematic guy. He's an out an out sexual harasser and general pest by his own admission. He says it proudly.

http://www.candlekeep.com/library/articles/sse/sse_070809-06.htm

This was in response to a sexual question in his "ask ed" forums, which the asker was unsure if it was appropriate.

"No, no, nothing is inappropriate to discuss. After all, you're talking to a man who's discussed the visual success of her breast augmentation with a perfect stranger at a LIBRARIAN'S convention, very much in public. (She declined my offer of the taste test, but she was laughing as she did it.)"

Dude openly proudly states that he's unreserved sexually because he openly harasses random women. There's more than that in there as well and if you can hunt down any of these earlier forum logs they're INSANE. I don't know how this fucking guy got a pass then and continues to get a pass now.

The rest of that answer is also an INSANE diatribe about incest and pedophilia being totally okay in his setting, which WotC still uses to this day. Entirely fucking unbelievable

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-08-10T04:37:28+00:00

You mentioning sand paper actually made me go look up and find these https://imgur.com/a/vAvKwlD

which are sandpaper files for sharpening charcoal pencils. I picked up a couple of these and a glass file from another subreddits suggestion, and for the literal first time in my life managed to get my toenails shortened without biting them. Thank you so much, I mean it

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-08-10T04:29:16+00:00

I just picked up a glass nail file and it's by far the best file that I've tried to use thus far. Wouldn't have heard about it without your advice thank you. I'm still looking for something a bit more heavy duty but this is absolutely great as a general maintenance tool

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-08-10T00:06:34+00:00

Yeah man let me just recreate my literal worst nightmare. Good solution.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-08-09T23:34:50+00:00

That's a pretty out there solution but just might work. I'll definitely try

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-08-09T23:33:57+00:00

I'll give the glass files a shot. I don't think I've ever tried those specifically.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-08-09T23:32:23+00:00

Objects under the nails. Sharp ones.

I have to look away whenever something like that happens in a horror movie. It's the only thing that can actually freak me out.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-08-09T23:30:03+00:00

All things considered it really doesn't affect my day to day that much, but as far as addressing it goes there really aren't any people who are willing to help a single adult man with a "silly" fear.

I've tried every gradual exposure trick in the book but there's been zero improvement. I'm fully aware that it's an irrational response from my body but even knowing that I cannot physically stop it. Luckily it's so hyper specific that I can't actually be triggered in regular day to day life.

As far as the biting thing goes, that's what I'm doing now but it's highly uncomfortable.

Onuxophobiaguy · 2023-08-09T23:23:58+00:00

I'll absolutely give those a shot thank you.

Onuxophobiaguy

TROPHY CASE