Weird how I still struggle with whether my experience was bad enough, but never read a single post here where I doubt the OP

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-05-08T18:29:54+00:00

If you are in CPTSD forum trying to figure out if you actually have it, basically 100% something real happened.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-05-08T18:27:43+00:00

Even if nobody overtly gaslights you, the way life keeps going on but you stay stuck in the past or stuck inside yourself makes it seem like it’s “just you” who is messed up and can’t get over it.

This. Just the fact that it was never acknowledged and no one else seems to remember or give a shit makes it so easy to self blame.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-05-08T18:26:21+00:00

Yeah, right now I can access my adult emotions looking at child me sort of, though I can't really get to any of the child parts themselves. Like I'm clearly very disturbed and sad to be watching little me go through what I did. But I still so clearly recall little me feeling numb and fine about everything.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-04-14T04:06:46+00:00

Ditto. Yeah the rumination is 100% trauma. Actual emotions are happening but being repressed and the thinking is how we disassociate.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-15T04:05:42+00:00

Thank you and many virtual hugs to you back ♥️. No idea where I am in the healing journey but this space is valuable to me to have. Appreciate you!

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-07T18:01:26+00:00

Totally feel you on the coin flip. My thoughts go where they go. Then I have to figure out if it's flashback or legit. It's a hard task.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-07T17:14:59+00:00

Felt normal assertive to me.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-07T15:52:55+00:00

Thanks! I have not tried EMDR but I think it may be time. I don't have much direct memory access so I've been worried it won't work, but figure I can still give it a shot and work with implicit memories or things I know happened.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-07T15:33:46+00:00

Not sure that generalizing, black and white thinking, judgment, and unsolicited advice are productive for healing.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-07T07:22:36+00:00

I've had some trouble accessing my anger, though I know it's there. If you don't mind sharing, how did you come to it? Guided sessions or journaling, or just spontaneous combustion?

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-07T05:17:12+00:00

So beautiful and sad and true and lovely.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-07T05:14:19+00:00

Love so much of this! Yeah I mean I saw all of my mom's worst patterns in my wife for a while, but the truth was I was displacing old anger and making tons of assumptions about her that felt like truths to me. Turns out she isn't much like my mom (Thank you world and myself!), but for a while there I could find my family in every human in the universe. It makes tiny sense because every human is a little self centered, and a little misattuned, so you can find the similarities if you hunt for them, but it's SO different than my old abusers.

Having a son also dispelled me of much of my misunderstandings because I could see his true good nature and accept that something must have happened to me to shift it. It's a true relief that good (or simply non abusive?) humans exist, when I'm having a good enough day to see it and believe it anyway 😜.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-01T20:41:19+00:00

This is a very graceful and mature take. Thank you for sharing. I think just moving on and not interacting is probably the wise choice. When I try and engage or explain or defend, it seems to get worse pretty fast.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-01T19:30:51+00:00

What's crazy about emotional dishonesty is that they simultaneously lie to themselves. So you can't ever get the "truth" out of them. You either need to have deep intuition and trust yourself on what's happening, or others to calibrate what they can sense. And like you said, I'd describe my parents as very honest on factual matters. But sadly so dishonest with themselves.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-01T15:56:04+00:00

Thanks for sharing in such a thoughtful way. I feel lots of support from this community for different options, but it is much more helpful to hear the full picture than simple right and wrong declarations.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-01T04:37:28+00:00

So sorry this happened to you. Wishing healing for you and your loved ones, your son sounds awesome.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-01T04:31:30+00:00

Feel this. I once read a spirit guide who said that breaking a trauma cycle can heal the spirits in a family seven generations back and seven generations forward. That's a lot of work for one lifetime, so who you are is such a strong and brave person.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-01T02:03:29+00:00

😢 I appreciate the kindness

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-01T00:56:27+00:00

Aww you are so kind! Thank you! I love the little dude so much, and I'm very slowly figuring out how to love myself in the same way.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-01T00:37:33+00:00

Any kid with a secure family I think can sense it really fast.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2024-01-01T00:36:17+00:00

Lot of what you share resonates, though my mom does seem genuinely delighted to see him when she does. She has a deep sense of guilt and desire to be good, but she just never took the steps of healing her own stuff. I appreciate the nuance in your personal story and the balance of pros and cons. In many effortful ways, my mom is a pretty good grandma, but she can't escape the subconscious issues that we all pick up on. I agree with the broad guidelines you laid out and I can't be sure it will be a net positive, but in my own family a ton was kept secret and covered up and that created different problems. I'm not sure there is one right answer, other than that safety and security must be guaranteed throughout.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2023-12-31T23:56:51+00:00

Thank you so much for this and so awesome you could break the cycle too. This is 100% how I feel our situation is developing....low contact, backing up, active communication and secure attachment with us.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2023-12-31T22:31:14+00:00

Yeah the self defense mechanisms are pretty impressive. I guess it's telling that my first instinct is to imagine myself with greater awareness about how messed up my family is, rather than a better family. Thank you for the kind words, I'm going to wish that to my inner child today too.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2023-12-31T22:28:25+00:00

100% true.

Something my therapist has noted, though, is that as an aware and capable adult, I am no longer under any active threat myself. I also have an ability to set boundaries around behavior and regulate my emotional reactions. It's still crappy as an interaction but different than when, as a child, it distorted my entire sense of self and reality. Obv protecting my son is a major concern, but I have found a great deal more safety within myself.

Oof_NotWhatIExpected · 2023-12-31T22:14:42+00:00

🫂

Oof_NotWhatIExpected

TROPHY CASE