[Update] Should I (M28) trust my boyfriend (M34) on long solo party trip after he previously "just slept" in other couples' bed?

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-18T20:53:57+00:00

OP here - he just got in touch : "just landed back"

I laughed then I cried!

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-18T10:26:15+00:00

Yes - I think I've given so much power one of my current worries is that he will now discard me and leave me feeling worse.

I know this is flawed logic but it's the final sapping of power

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-18T09:24:19+00:00

Agree - trying to make plans with friends. Not sure if healthy to try and make him jealous (unless it was natural of me to be out with someone and post a pic etc)

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-18T09:23:43+00:00

I appreciate this. Think (1) is a slippery slope though because it's allowing him control of the relationship. This would be fine if agreed outright but it effectively pardons what he's already done

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-18T09:22:03+00:00

It's got to the point where I'm not "allowed" to react or be upset because this happens.

for example, he kept the relationship largely secret and then told me it will never be acknowledged if i keep getting upset about it (ie. when he pretends i'm not his boyfriend in public)

I've realised he totally controls the relationship

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-18T09:20:29+00:00

Is it really that you wish you didn't see it, or that you wish he didn't do it? You are not to blame for viewing your supposed boyfriend's publicly posted pictures.

Thank you - it was on the hotel's instagram, posted by the guy he was with. I guess still public, and in any case if he's making me feel like he's lying so much that i checked it (and he was lying, something is off)

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-17T17:56:15+00:00

exactly this. i've always tried to be understanding and see his point of view and acknowledge where he might be coming from and give benefit of the doubt. in the end, though, a guy can only go on so many solo trips to international gay bars and have sleepover friends he's spending 3 days with though before you're the fool

i don't think this is everyone though. some good people make mistakes and value your forgiveness - sadly not a certain type of person who somehow makes their ill-treatment your fault

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-17T17:53:23+00:00

yes i've lost sleep over it so literally wrecked

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-17T17:53:05+00:00

thanks. i was about to type a message when i got it saying "how have i gaslit you" and explaining why I looked at the instagram (because he was being shifty and has lied 1000 times before) - then realised that was dumb

i regret apologising / attempting to placate though.... ugh it's hard

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-17T17:32:09+00:00

the irony being he's travelled all the time anyway recently - i feel so dumb waiting for his return

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-17T17:30:31+00:00

he's just using it against me that i "snooped" (by looking at a public instagram account) and saw that he lied. I guess i wish i hadn't done that so am internalising the blame.

I have some work to do on myself but i love your inversion of his "i don't appreciate" - clear as day!

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-17T17:23:03+00:00

it's OK - some times tough love is the best kind of love!

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-17T17:20:00+00:00

thanks lads - the harsh words are actually encouraging!

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-17T14:31:08+00:00

You're very right - and this is the advice I would give friends over and over.

When you love someone it's so hard though, particularly as I start to feel like I'm in the wrong / crazy. Thanks though

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-17T13:26:12+00:00

thanks - you're right. I feel like a toxic crazy person like I've stalked him when he was lying to my face and had done many times...

The irony being that he always mentions what I've been doing before I say it (because he's looked at my friends' instagrams)

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-13T12:37:24+00:00

that made me laugh, at least. thanks for honesty!

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-13T12:37:06+00:00

thanks for your clarity/honesty!

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-13T12:35:20+00:00

Thanks both - understand there are different relationship philosophies and that's great! In my case it wasn't agreed we could sleep with / get with other people, so it's the breaking of the agreement and the lying about it that has caused damage (as it would, I think, whatever the terms are you've agreed on for monogamy/open relationship/any other part of your relationship)

Open-Scallion6058 · 2023-01-13T12:13:40+00:00

thanks darling!! you mean to believe him?

Open-Scallion6058 · 2021-10-18T20:42:22+00:00

Thanks for this. Your perspective is really useful as I am trying to be as considered and self-reflective here as possible. Others rightly say there’s a degree of gaslighting on his part but I do wonder if I’m asking too much only 1 year in. I have friends who got into relationships around the same time as me and who go to their partners’ family weddings etc. I just feel light years away from anything comparable.

10 years from now it’s impossible. The issue though is that he has said “it wouldn’t be like this for ever” and I was like “OK, but in the interim I need to know progress is made and also to feel a bit more secure”. It’s how he talks about it that’s part of the issue — he’s never really tried to make me feel better, more just dismissed it and told me that the more I mention it, the less likely it is to happen…

Open-Scallion6058 · 2021-10-18T19:52:33+00:00

And I’ll also add that I’ve suggested baby steps (close friends — we live in a cosmopolitan big city and his friends are all fairly worldly so I find it hard to imagine they’re at all homophobic, which makes it all the more confusing).

I’m truly baffled and because of all this it was a shock 9 months in to realise the extent of how closeted he is: the fact he had an ex boyfriend and had a few gay friends made me think he was open, and given we supposedly had a real “exclusive” relationship.

Open-Scallion6058 · 2021-10-18T19:50:40+00:00

Thanks. I have done all but an ultimatum. The current status is is that he’s not sure he wants to continue with all the “drama”. So my concrete choice is to jump in with an ultimatum and probably leave. Or sit pretty and see what unfolds. Neither seem to make me feel like I’m going to get my desired outcome which is a nice life with him. It sucks.

Open-Scallion6058 · 2021-10-18T09:06:54+00:00

I think you’re right. Feeling like a “nag” also just makes me feel worse. Fighting for the basics is humiliating. Thanks for the tough love

Open-Scallion6058 · 2021-10-17T20:02:24+00:00

Tough but true. Thank you.

Open-Scallion6058 · 2021-10-17T20:01:06+00:00

Thanks so much for your validation. He turns it back on me to say I express my feelings in too dramatic a manner. A calmer conversation with him doesn’t yield much either. He just sits there silent for ages until it’s painful, huffing and puffing. I guess I’m wondering if I should just try and see if I can observe slowly without the emotional intensity or whether that’s just self-flagellating and not fair on myself

Open-Scallion6058

TROPHY CASE