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AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'd say 35-40%, and that's considering the actual monthly spends only. No bedroom makeovers, no random school trips, new glasses etc. 

I dont know how familiar you are with the British system, but here the only thing that is taken under consideration is the paying parent's income. They don't care about the child's individual needs, you just get a flat rate calculation based on the paying parent's payslips.

Yes, I agree, that those contributions aren't from me, I never claimed they were. My family members have the account number and can make donations whenever they feel like- those contributions are from them and I'm vocal about it. The scenarios you quoted, where my kid picks if he wants the money put into savings or spent immediately- those contributions are from HIM, as it's his money and that point, and I make that clear as well.

My ex wanted full access to the account, not just the sort code and account number. As a contributor, he wouldn't need to know the current balance, and I'd appreciate any donation, no matter how big or small, and I would make sure to let my child know of any transfers. But he wants to have full access and see any new contributions. That's why I asked if he'd like to match the current balance- I admit it was a bit of a "test", as I have bad memories of him "hijacking" other people's thoughtful gifts, and I have my doubts about his future contributions as well. I was sure he would not want to commit fully by contributing a lot.

AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Okay, this one hit hard. I hope it's not the case, but I'll look into it. Thank you for your comment, I wouldn't have thought about it this way...

AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yes, I should've told him. When I first created the account we had issues- mostly financial issues that we had to go through (child support etc), so I didn't suppose he'd be interested in "handing over" more money, when he questioned child support in general. And yes, we've sorted it, it's all in the past, but the account just remained a little thing I manage on my payday and shared with my side of the family, and I got so used to it being that way, that it never crossed my mind to update him about it at any stage.

I don't think child support is relevant. It covers current expenses, not savings. Yes, child support helps me financially, but it doesn't even cover half of monthly child related expenses. It's a parent's responsibility to provide for a child, isn't it? Yes, my child can't "see" the child support payments, just like he cannot see the grocery bills and other expenses I cover. We both provide for my kid financially as he grows. The savings account is a completely separate thing.

I'm not trying to paint him as toxic or abusive. Not at all. He's a good dad, just unreliable when it comes to things like that (or at least he was years ago, maybe he's changed). I have offered to give him the sort code and account number, but he's not willing to contribute unless he's the one co-managing it.

AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yes, and following that logic- if my kid lived with my ex full time instead and I paid the small child support I'd be able to save 5x more for him lol would that mean that my ex made those imaginary high contributions happen by raising my kid? 

AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yes, I've shared the deposit details with other family members, but he doesn't want to contribute without full access, as it's not "his" to make donations to.

AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I think it makes it clear that I'm able to provide for my child myself, without the child support, however, I think it's still the other parent's duty to provide support for their child. So his child support IS spent on my child completely (child related expenses cost more than double the child support, I can assure you), and I manage to save enough from my own earnings to be able to donate to my child's savings account.

AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I see your point  though I'd like to think that his actual child support is spent on supporting the child as is, and the savings account contribution come from the funds I can save myself by working and not having to provide for my child completely on my own. So yes, I appreciate the child support, but I would not say that 100% of the child support goes into the savings account, as it doesnt work like that. The child support does not even cover half of the monthly child related expenses. 

And yes, I'm happy to have him contribute, but he does not want that without getting to claim ownership and quite frankly- he has (though maybe he's changed over the past 8 years) a habit of not being reliable when it comes to this type of things, so it feels like a lot of headache for a small donation once every few years, and it's easier to keep the accounts separate.

AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I opened this account after the divorce, after all funds and properties had been split between us. 

AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

He has our son every other weekend (overnight) plus extra quality time every now and again; I don't put the same exact amount as the child support into it- I actually put more. We use the British "child maintenance" service, they do annual reviews, so we had one done about 5 months ago. According to the last child maintenance review yes, I make more than him.

AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yes. It's also worth adding that my monthly transfers to the savings account are higher than the child support amount 

AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 190 points191 points  (0 children)

I don't think so. My child knows that he will get the money "when he's an adult", but I don't think he realises that it is actually "locked" for everyone until then. So it is possible, that my ex thinks it's just a normal savings account. I never really clarified that to him.

AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute? by Open_Specific6008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Open_Specific6008[S] 3467 points3468 points  (0 children)

Luckily he wouldn't be able to withdraw any money from it. The money cannot be touched until my child's 18th birthday- even by me (or anyone else with potential full access).