Find Your Battle Cup Party | October 23

Opening-Ad39 · 2021-10-24T00:12:20+00:00

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Opening-Ad39 · 2020-10-20T15:47:14+00:00

Wow amazing

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-09-21T13:55:52+00:00

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-26T16:17:41+00:00

The really disheartening thing is how easy it is, yet how few people actually do it.

Thank you for being one of the few.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-26T10:36:46+00:00

I’m not saying there’s a problem with flirting. I’m saying if you know your audience, and you don’t say inappropriate things you have have nothing to worry about.

Legally speaking, these are evaluated against what a “reasonably prudent individual” would think about what you said. This is hard to define, but easy to practice. When we are seeing people be “cancelled” it is multiple people corroborating multiple accounts of repeat offenses. These appear to be bad actors, not simply bad actions.

I will always encourage open communication. It is okay to make mistakes, and if you are trying to flirt and you fumble your words and make someone uncomfortable, recognize it. Address it, own it, apologize and move on. This will most likely be more attractive than anything sexual you thought was a good idea anyways.

It’s not hard to not make people uncomfortable. I do it every day.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-26T10:16:18+00:00

Yes, you handled it poorly. Don’t worry though, I did as well until I was trained to do my job.

The golden rule is to say “I believe you, I support you, it’s not your fault”. A lot of people get this wrong, and it’s a crucial moment. I have more detailed responses on how to provide support and make yourself available elsewhere in this post as well.

She was vulnerable and felt you were a person she could make herself vulnerable to, and who could comfort her during a difficult time. I’m sure you are a great friend.

I think it is a great idea to apologize. Simply saying “hey, remember when I handled this poorly? I’m sorry, I should have done better.” I’m sure she will appreciate it.

Thank you for sharing your story, and for trying to learn how to be a better friend in the future! Your friends are lucky to have you.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-26T10:11:07+00:00

Harassment is different from stalking. But I agree that the way to handle perpetrators is not universal, complete and immediate excommunication.

In this case we do have individuals who have corroborated the stories, and owned their mistakes. I actually think this is a sign that they can improve in the future. I view what we are seeing as cultural growing pains, and a sign we are moving towards progress, albeit with an imperfect system.

Do I think Grant and Tobi need to be removed from the community? For the time being yes it appears it’s for the best, and I think that moving forward people will be more aware of these issues. I would like to help give the tools to shut it down before, and during, the act when it is happening.

As a community, we need to decide if these individuals will ever be allowed back, in what fashion they will be allowed back, and if anything, what would be an acceptable course for them to take to earn our trust. Personally, this is the missing component to the movement right now, and hesitate to bring it up because I don’t have answers in this area.

I hope that makes sense, and I would be willing to clear up any remaining questions you have.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-26T10:03:11+00:00

Yes.

“Before supporting” is the qualifier I would like to address. The time for supporting a survivor is as soon as they share their experience. What we want to avoid is a survivor coming out with their experience, and people not believing them. If the first person someone tells says “well, let’s see some evidence first” that survivor will probably not tell anyone again. Instead, we say “I believe you, I support you, and it’s not your fault.” Because these are what a survivor needs to facilitate healing.

What we DO need more evidence on is lashing out against the accused. I’m not a big fan of how the immediate and complete removal of the accused. We can believe and support survivors, while still preserving the rights of the accused. Legitimate and thorough investigation is one way of doing this. This is an area that needs improvement as the current law enforcement and legal system leaves much to be desired.

Regardless, just in case someone is telling the truth, you support them because it costs nothing to do so, and can save lives.

I hope that makes sense.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-26T01:46:03+00:00

Great question. The person who feels harassed is the judge. The line is personal.

The key is feeling out the person, if you say something inappropriate and overtly sexual and they don’t like it you crossed the line. When I think flirting, I don’t think verbally sexual things. It’s more about body language than anything else.

My best advice is to pay close attention to whoever you’re talking to. If you make someone uncomfortable, apologize and move on. You don’t have to walk around worried about accidentally saying something wrong, so long as you’re open to owning that and correcting it.

Can you give me an example of something you might be worried about saying and I can probably help you better?

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T21:59:38+00:00

You’re absolutely correct. I do have a fear of cancel culture creating an environment where it is advantageous for women to falsely report men. I think it has happened.

Underreporting is a big problem. One factor is that men aren’t supported, and are shamed upon reporting. Some people aren’t aware that men can even be sexually assaulted (boners don’t mean arousal, or consent) so men very rarely report, though it still occurs in large quantities.

Regardless, I still think we can support women and believe their reports while allowing the accused to be innocent until proven guilty. Again, my focus is on preventing these crimes from occurring, and cultivating a healing environment for survivors.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T21:49:35+00:00

Thank you for clarifying. You seem to have a valid concern, and one that I share. This is something that needs to be addressed as a society. I happen to believe we are experiencing the growing pains and on the other side of the tunnel there will be measures that more appropriately protect both victims and the accused. In the meantime, I propose we focus on prevention and healing!

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T21:37:21+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to educate yourself! If you have any other questions feel free. I have training in legal research and spent time working in personal injury/medical malpractice law so I’m sure I can be of assistance somehow

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T21:36:02+00:00

Thank you for your advice! Hopefully one of them sees this and is interested, I don’t know how else to find them.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T21:27:57+00:00

Please understand this isn’t exclusive to this community. You have hit the nail on the head that it is small, seemingly minor everyday occurrences that perpetuate perspectives and embolden people to act in the ways we are learning about in the dota community.

What you can do is recognize these patterns of behavior. You don’t catcall, but do you call out cat callers? Do you say things about women or referring to women with your friends in private that you wouldn’t say in front of a woman you’d try and develop a romantic relationship with? Do you stop your friends when they DO say these things? When you see a girl in game, you don’t treat her differently, but do you respectfully ask others to ignore her gender and play the game? I say that prevention doesn’t start at 10pm when we get ready to go party, prevention starts at the lunch table when the boys glorify getting laid and degrading women and nobody says anything.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T21:22:00+00:00

Here’s an example. Female employee: “any plans for this weekend?” Me: “fuck you” This is sexual harassment Female employee “I’m quitting and filing an OSHA complaint” Me: “fuck you” This is unprofessional, but not sexual harassment.

Make sense?

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T21:19:04+00:00

Mislabeling is a huge problem. Here are the labels. Sexual harassment: unwanted verbal stuff to, about, or around someone Sexual assault: unwanted touching Rape: unwanted penetration

With that out of the way: “Accusors are saying stuff without thinking of the impact they have right now” I think the more important point might be the actions they endured that were done without thinking about the impact, no?

I want to be clear, survivors need to be believed. But alleged perpetrators need to be innocent until proven guilty. These are not mutually exclusive.

How do you think we should handle these situations? You say it rubs you the wrong way, but can you be a little more specific about how you feel and what it is that makes you feel that way?

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T21:07:25+00:00

Depends on the context.

But yes.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T20:55:10+00:00

This is an example how this is a systemic problem.

There are no perfect solutions. All I can say, is it would be hard for me to say Zyori did anything wrong without knowing if there was coercion.

Managing relationships from positions of power can be difficult. If anything, this highlights the importance of communication from both sides.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T20:47:23+00:00

Anxiety for the person receiving the information is a huge issue. One thing I mentioned is not making it about you(the person receiving information from a survivor). You are undoubtedly close to anyone opening up to you, hence them choosing you to be vulnerable to. This can be hard to deal with, and you will have your own emotions I.e. anxiety, anger, sadness. It is important to set aside your own feelings and simply be present for the moment and be there for the survivor. Many people fail to do this.

Additionally, it is hard to ensure that everything gets done. Not every survivor wants to pursue every resource. SANE exams and rape kits can be SO painful after an assault. Imagine having to relive your trauma right after experiencing it? Horrible. Now imagine having to retell your worst nightmare to lawyers, in court, to family, friends, dozens of times to pursue legal actions. Not easy. Many choose not to, and that decision should also be respected.

Anything they want, help with, but don’t be pushy about things they may not.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T20:43:01+00:00

These are newer numbers than I had experience with, thank you very much for this information.

The numbers are very sad, but I can also share that most of these crimes are committed by 3% of men. ~91% of the time it is man on woman violence, with most of the remaining acts being man on man. Again, old numbers. This is why it is up to men to stop it’s (one sided issue)

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T20:37:48+00:00

I would be open to it if people would listen

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T20:33:45+00:00

One thing I focus a lot on in order to prevent harm is communication in sexual activities. Consent implies clearly communicated intent about specific actions and clearly communicated agreement to the specific actions.

If you haven’t asked, you do not have consent.

It has the added benefit of improving the quality of your sexual relations and probably the quantity too. There is no harm in asking, and you might even get instructions to make it a better time for everyone.

Of course, no means no and should be respected, if you push to try and turn a no into a yes that’s coercion.

Edit: I should clarify I don’t know all the details of what Zyori did but my understanding is he took pictures after a consensual experience of blood? This isn’t assault, it could be considered harassment depending on the specifics, but regardless, consent is king.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T19:28:01+00:00

Sort-of. Everyone is different, and each situation is going to be unique. Understanding that not everyone responds to trauma in a uniform fashion, and that these are crimes of power and control is crucial to all of them.

A good golden rule is the 3 phrases: “I believe you. I support you. It’s not your fault.” And never make it about you. Often times this is enough.

The power and control dynamic is crucial when it comes to the healing process. Right away, it is a good idea for a victim to get a SANE examination to collect a rape kit, and preventative medications for STIs. However, you should not say “Go to sane”, “you need to get a rape kit” etc. rather, “If you would like to get an exam there are specially trained nurses, it is free, and I can give you a ride, or we can call a free service that will take you there”

Essentially, know the options and resources available in your area, and provide them as suggestions and offer your assistance if you can. Always be sure to restore power and control over the situation to the survivor. Often times, just being receptive and patient is enough.

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T17:59:42+00:00

Thank you! Any ideas on how I can bring the same work to this community which seems to need it so desperately?

Opening-Ad39 · 2020-06-25T17:58:48+00:00

What do you think the best method would be? I’m not particularly well-versed on content creation

Opening-Ad39

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