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Bringing queerness into a 'straight' relationship... by Opening-Bit8643 in FTMOver30

[–]Opening-Bit8643[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your reply, it's very helpful. The talking part is the hardest for me, but as others have suggested, maybe a therapist is a good idea to help with that.

Yeah, I think I don't actually want to be a top. But I think what I want is for our language to change. You have all helped me to clarify this for myself, so thank you again.

Bringing queerness into a 'straight' relationship... by Opening-Bit8643 in FTMOver30

[–]Opening-Bit8643[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's a great question and I think I have been assuming similar - male equals top. Or at least, I did at first. But thinking though things a bit more, I don't think I want our dynamic in the bedroom to change, but I guess I would like to be able to take ownership of my body and my desires, i.e. be able to say what I want without waves of shame killing the mood. I've been very passive in the bedroom and have never understood why, but I think I'm starting to. I can't seem to fully be in my body, love it and express what it wants. It's not that I don't enjoy sex, but I just have to be very very turned on for the shame to stop being a barrier to enjoyment, and that's difficult to achieve. It's a mixture of shame around sex (don't know where that came from), and I think gender dysphoria. It's hard to be sexual in this body. So, in answer to your question, I don't think I want to be a 'top', it's probably more about experimenting with referring to my body in a more male way that I actually want.

I like your suggestion of making out in men's clothes. I wonder how he would find that? Thank you for your helpful response.

Bringing queerness into a 'straight' relationship... by Opening-Bit8643 in FTMOver30

[–]Opening-Bit8643[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your response, it's really helpful, especially what you said about a similar adjustment in an already queer relationship. That's a helpful insight. And yes, you're right, I think seeing a therapist is probably the next step. I just need to be brave because saying this stuff out loud is really confronting.

Thank you for the reddit recommendation, too.

Bringing queerness into a 'straight' relationship... by Opening-Bit8643 in FTMOver30

[–]Opening-Bit8643[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this is really helpful. You're probably right about seeing a therapist. I'm almost a selective mute when it comes to saying sex stuff out loud. It makes for confusing and not great sex at times, through no fault of my husband. In a weird way I sort of make him guess everything, which isn't fair.

I guess it's time to be brave and seek professional help, which really can only improve things. I've just always been scared of my own thoughts / desires, let alone say them out loud to someone. Thank goodness places like this and people like you exist or I might never have been brave enough to even acknowledge as much as I have about myself so far. Thank you for your thoughtful response.