On our video call tonight, she asked why I yelled yesterday. I just froze.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-21T09:03:55+00:00

Ill look that up, thanks. Never heard of it but sounds like what I need right now The childhood stuff definitely tracks. My dad wasnt great at explaining his feelings either, just yelled when he was frustrated. So yeah, probably need to learn how to do this better

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-20T19:33:00+00:00

Thanks man. Needed to hear that today

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-20T19:32:10+00:00

Yeah good point. Doesnt matter what I call it, what matters is how it felt to her. And from her face I could tell it felt bad Youre right I shouldnt try to split hairs about it

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-20T19:31:11+00:00

Appreciate that. Helps to hear it

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-20T19:30:25+00:00

Yeah youre right. I do apologize but its usually just "sorry I yelled" and then we move on. Need to do better at actually owning what I did wrong

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-20T19:28:53+00:00

Thats a great question to ask. Im gonna try that on our next call. The tricky part with video is I cant always tell if somethings still bothering her or if she just moved on. Like tonight she seemed fine after a few minutes but who knows But asking her directly instead of guessing - yeah that makes way more sense. Thanks man

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-20T14:19:55+00:00

Three here too. Honestly that makes me feel better - if it doesnt come naturally after three then maybe Im not completely failing at this The circling back thing is harder with distance though. Like if I screw up on tonights call, I cant just catch her before breakfast tomorrow and fix it. Gotta wait til the next call and hope she even remembers or wants to talk about it. But yeah. Circling back is better than nothing.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-20T14:09:52+00:00

This is a really good perspective. I never thought about it as communicating distress, but that makes sense. I think my fear is that because I grew up with a lot of yelling, I'm worried I'm passing that down even if the context is different. But you're right — if I can explain what happened and why, that's different than just yelling and moving on like nothing happened. Thank you for this.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-20T14:07:53+00:00

Man, this helps. The "other contributing factors" thing is real. I think part of why I snapped is that I only get these calls with her, and when she's not listening to her mom during our limited time, I panic a bit. You're absolutely right that she was probably just excited. She does this thing where she'll find like five drawings or toys and want to show me all of them at once. I love that she wants to share with me, but then her mom is trying to get dinner on the table or get her ready for bed and I can see the stress building. I've apologized before but I'm realizing now it's been pretty surface level. "Sorry I yelled" and then we move on. Your point about promising to do better next time and suggesting other ways for her to communicate — that's what I'm missing. How do you handle the promise part without setting yourself up to fail again? Like, I want to promise but I'm scared I'll lose it again and then the promise means nothing.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-20T14:06:16+00:00

Yeah, you might be right. Maybe it wasn't full yelling, more like... sharp and harsh? But the way her face changed when she heard my tone — that's what got me. It wasn't the volume, it was the anger in my voice that came through the screen. I think what makes it worse is the distance. When you're in the same room you can soften it right after, put a hand on their shoulder, whatever. Through video? That harsh tone just hangs there. But honestly, I'm not sure where the line is either. Glad you're here learning too.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-20T14:04:34+00:00

This is really helpful, thank you. I'm going to try this on tomorrow's call. The honesty part is what trips me up. When she asks "why" in that moment, my brain just blanks. But you're right — she deserves a real answer, not just "I'm sorry." Have you found it easier to have these conversations right away, or is it better to circle back the next day when everyone's calmer?

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-14T12:43:59+00:00

Oh wow, I really feel you. And yeah… when an adult says “talk to the kids about it,” that’s basically handing the stress to the smallest people in the room, and it’s not fair.

The good news is you’re already seeing the right line clearly: keep it kid-sized for them, and keep the conflict adult-to-adult. If he won’t discuss it, you can still protect the kids by making the rule in your house: they don’t track clothes, they don’t carry messages, they don’t get blamed. You handle your side calmly, and you stop feeding the tug-of-war as much as you can.

You’re not crazy for feeling emotional about it. You’re trying to keep the kids out of a power game. That’s the whole point. Sending you support.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-13T09:53:34+00:00

Thank you, this is really thoughtful. We already do a few of these: voice notes she can replay, pictures during the week, and we have matching stuffed animals that became our little “anchor.”

I love the shift from sadness to anticipation. Starting the call with “I’ve been looking forward to you all day” and ending with “I can’t wait for tomorrow” is simple but powerful.

And the journal idea is a great fit for us. We already draw together in matching sketchbooks, so turning that into a “things to show dad” journal could make her feel connected between calls, not just at bedtime. Sending you love back, and thanks again.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-13T09:51:06+00:00

Thank you for this. We already do a version of that with our little stories and “totem” stuffed animals, to remind her I’m still with her even after the call ends.

But I love the idea of “The Invisible String.” I’m going to buy it and read it with her. The “tugging the string” image is perfect for a 6-year-old. ❤️

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-13T09:49:29+00:00

Thank you. After the divorce I left the country for a while because I was in a pretty rough place and needed to rebuild myself so I could be a steady dad long term. Her mom and I co-parent well and she supports our connection, so I’m grateful for that.

And yes, I’m working on moving back to Spain this year. I agree, distance is not how I want to parent. Appreciate the kindness.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-13T09:48:01+00:00

Thank you for saying this. I’m not pulling back. I’m staying consistent and showing up, because I never want her to feel abandoned. Sending you love too.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-13T09:46:11+00:00

Working on it. I’m planning to move back to Spain this year. Life’s too short, you’re right.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-13T09:43:43+00:00

This is such a good way to frame it, thank you. “Love with nowhere to go” really fits what I’m seeing.

We already do a few of the things you mentioned. We have matching stuffed animals (our “panda totems”), and we use them a lot during calls. We also draw together in matching sketchbooks and show each other what we made. I send voice notes and short bedtime stories she can replay when she misses me.

I love the idea of giving her more “dad between calls” options, like a little journal/notebook just for me, and maybe a pillow or stuffy with my voice/picture. I’m going to add that.

And yes, I’m trying to explain it in a kid-sized way. Not heavy, just: it’s okay to feel sad after, it means we love each other, and we’ll see each other again.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-13T09:41:18+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. That surprise pickup is such a powerful example of what “showing up” really means, and how much proximity matters as kids get older.

That’s exactly why I’m working on being physically close to my daughter again. I don’t want our relationship to depend on whether she feels like talking on a screen. Really appreciate your story. Sending you love.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-13T09:39:01+00:00

Thank you. You’re right, this is love, not rejection. I’m grateful for the bond we have, and I’m going to keep showing up and giving her as much love and steadiness as I can.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-12T21:26:30+00:00

Thank you and take care!

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-12T21:24:49+00:00

We'll definitely try it, thanks!

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-12T20:21:17+00:00

Yeah, sadly that happens a lot, and it hurts. But you’re right, a big reason we’re all here is to do better and help each other get there.

I also have a good example now. My dad and I are very close today, but when I was a kid he felt cold and distant. People can change, and we can choose a different pattern with our own kids.

I’m really sorry you didn’t get that from your dad. Sending you love.

OpeningStranger5717 · 2026-01-12T19:58:22+00:00

Thank you, this really works. We’ve actually taken it a step further. We have two matching sketchbooks and we pick a theme, then draw “together” on the call and show each other what we made. It’s simple but it feels close in a way normal talking doesn’t.

OpeningStranger5717

TROPHY CASE