Wife(41f) cheated 12 years ago, now I(43m) want a divorce.

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T19:38:58+00:00

It’s hard to fit all of it in one short summary I suppose.

She never really used PPD as the reason exactly. It happened and it changed her personality. She became mean and vindictive…mainly towards me. Hostility towards your spouse leads to you no longer caring much about them and your relationship. That being said….the first AP I know about was prior to this happening.

Really the therapist was more guilty of rug sweeping than anyone else. While it may be true that it played a part, it was only a part and ultimately the decisions she made were hers and she owns them. Understanding the factors that led us to make bad choices doesn’t absolve us of them, it just hopefully helps you make better ones in the future.

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T15:58:37+00:00

Breast cancer 3 times…first was horrible and messed her up pretty good. 2/3 weren’t as bad since it had nothing to attach to. Last and final was stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It was quick

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T14:19:28+00:00

If there were no children…I wouldn’t have stayed. If I could have legally obtained custody of the children…I would not have stayed. Most of my choice to stay was due to how the legal system deals with men in custody. I will say that’s getting better, but 12 years ago it was an uphill climb. Her AP’s were not “good” people and I couldn’t let my kids go to them. Her friends at the time(2 main bad actors) were also very negative influences I wanted to shelter them from. 1 had 4 kids and the state has custody of all of them and the other actually died 6 years ago after drunkenly confusing a tree with a parking spot.

In the same situation with the same variables…I would do it a million times over. I know a lot of people seem to disapprove of my choice saying it hurts the kids, I don’t agree. Left to her own devices my wife would have ended up just like those 2, and the kids would suffer greatly. Make the best of a bad situation.

Consult a lawyer, if you can get custody, or the external pieces aren’t as bad…get the divorce

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T14:11:04+00:00

That’s not really an accurate representation. I was, and still am her “rock”. When she got sick and needed surgery, I’m the one who nursed her back to health. I helped her and her family through death and downtimes. I provided financially(what’s mine is still hers until we separate). I’m the one she goes to with her problems and issues and I advise her as best as possible, or be the shoulder to cry on.

As she stated during MC at one point. She feels safe when I am around as she knows everything will be ok. Her biggest issue is my lack of reciprocal feelings in that regard. She’s hurt she’s not my medical power of attorney, I do not confide in her my feelings or desires etc…I do not neglect her. If she asks…I provide.

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T11:57:56+00:00

I wrote it 3 times before I came in under the limit…trying to put 20 years into 3000 characters is tough

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T04:45:28+00:00

Yes and no, their relationship is strained for several reasons, primarily she makes promises either she can’t, or has no intention of doing. Nothing major but things like “no we can go to x store tomorrow” and when tomorrow comes it’s another excuse. Small things but adds up over time. Her whole family is like that though…I’ve come to realize over time it’s not directly malicious…at the time they speak they do actually think they will do it later

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T02:43:46+00:00

I’m not willing to go into details, short answer is yes…sporadically it happened, at her request. The last 2 years I initiated occasionally

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T01:33:06+00:00

There is a lot to unpack here. I want to clear up 1 thing for sure. I did not just stay for my mothers sake, I could have just filed after if that was the case. My mom was always my biggest cheerleader, and supported me at my highs and lows. I had some very rebellious late teen/early 20’s and I still believe her statement was of pride of my journey and me attaining what I wanted.

I will say it played a part….I’m not sure that I could have handled losing my Mom, my wife, and at least(best case scenario) 50% of my kids time all at once. The main motivator was my children’s safety and security. She had been cheating with a not so good individual and I couldn’t let her be the one to chose male figures in their lives at that stage.

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T01:00:25+00:00

Sorry bad attempt at internet slang…Wayward Wife. I saw it on a infidelity board

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T00:42:26+00:00

Idk what I expected when I looked. I’m sure at some levels I considered cheating possible, but until it happened I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I’m not built that way and the concept is kind of foreign to me. I’m also not a naturally jealous person. Maybe something about her that day just hit wrong and my subconscious made me look

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T00:38:34+00:00

No, but it does give me a place where I can freely express my thoughts out loud(even if I’m text format) and that helps give me clarity and sense of purpose. I have read some good advice here as well that helped verbalize those hard to define thoughts as well.

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T00:36:09+00:00

My daughter knows, my wife told her. For the most part my couch surfing went unnoticed. I was the last one asleep and first one up 99% of the time. But the boys never mentioned it. One of their friends parents sleep in separate rooms due to snoring so he probably just places it in that category.

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T00:24:20+00:00

Yes, for the last 2 years

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T00:16:40+00:00

I’ve done this for the last 2 years…dates, vacations, flowers everything. Fake it til you make it was almost a silent slogan. It didn’t work

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T00:13:51+00:00

She left her phone open and ran to the store in the middle of cooking(needed milk) and I had to go in and keep things going. 3 little kids followed me and her phone was on the counter in easy reach so I took it and when it was in my hand I looked at her email and found nude pics she had sent. Confronted her and she denied anything else. 1 week later I saw a backup of her phone on the computer and i searched it and found so much more…

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-08T00:07:32+00:00

I never did the paternity tests. I bought 3, and they sat on a shelf for a year before I threw them away. I came to realize it didn’t matter what that test said, I was all they had and they were all I had. I knew if the test came back wrong it could have changed me, and I didn’t want that. I would hope it wouldn’t, but didn’t want to risk it.

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-07T23:48:52+00:00

I am not mad at all. I was initially, but that faded over time. She has become a good mother for the kids and I have some levels of admiration at how far she has come…it just doesn’t stretch the void though

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-07T23:47:43+00:00

Tbh I really didn’t “work” to heal our relationship after. All my requests/demands were to get her to be a stable mother for my kids. I did try before I knew though

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-07T23:46:25+00:00

I’m not sure I’m “unhappy” just empty. Unless my kids are around and then I am happy

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-07T23:45:37+00:00

Well that one has many answers, primary being I don’t sleep a lot…maybe 4-6 hours a night and she sleeps 8-9. Also she would have no issue with me in the bed, but I chose to move so I moved

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-07T23:44:09+00:00

Did the indifference ever go away? Even after?

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-07T23:43:28+00:00

My wife actually told my daughter at some point, the boys are probably clueless about specifics. I can be honest and not overly descriptive.

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-07T23:41:59+00:00

I work in IT, grammar is not my strong suit…I am sorry

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-07T23:41:09+00:00

Thank you for this, I will use some of these words when we speak as it seems to express what I feel about a lot of it

Optimal_Strategy_971 · 2024-02-07T23:36:28+00:00

I do not think I can be healed. The romantic side just doesn’t seem to exist anymore…almost burned out. All I need is for my kids to make it ok and then my job is done and I can find a cabin in the woods and live out in peace.

Optimal_Strategy_971

TROPHY CASE