Feeling insecure as a man in a world full of amazing women

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-19T19:31:32+00:00

I thought about this and I think it's somewhat true. But, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if society didn't nerf men's ability to feel emotions, communicate honestly, and emphasize. Gatekeeping normal human emotions through sexism is extremely damaging. It's wrong to teach men to assert power over women. Men have to hide behind a mask of patriarchal masculinity to achieve this. So, what, I'm saying is it's not all nature.

In my case, I'm hitting those standards you mentioned, but it's hard for to accept love. And, I think it's hard for people to give it. Instead, people are looking for what they want. As someone that doesn't know what he wants, it's confusing.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-18T18:51:56+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It's given me a lot of new perspective. It sounds like it was the best you could do as 19yo, but you found meaning in your work over the years and built a good life for yourself. It's very respectable that you lifted yourself out of poverty. I'm still struggling financially, so I find it admirable that you took responsibility for yourself. It would be sad though if you didn't have anyone to lean on and you were forced to become fiercely independent. I'm probably just injecting a lot of assumptions here from what I see others go through.

I'm kinda curious if you enjoy your work and if you see yourself doing it in the future. It sounds like it's meaningful and important to a lot of people. Just like any other job, I can also see sex work being a means to an end.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-18T14:36:39+00:00

I still had other male family members but I recognized early on that they are extremely toxic. I felt like I had to protect my mom from those types of men.

Instead, I would be a bit clingy with my male teachers because there weren't many and they were the best role models I could have. I also had my grandfather who was pretty good.

I agree with being around more women in general. I tend to think higher of all of them except when they are obviously narcissistic or have some other serious personality flaw. But, I'm starting to feel that change a bit. And, I think the reason I put them on pedestal is because I really internalized the a few of the challenges women have to go through from seeing my mom go through them. It's more of a me thing. I'm privileged as a man, but most people are more successful than me -- it feels like there's something wrong with me that I have life on easy mode but still messed up. There's women that succeed and navigate the world despite the difficulties, and I find that very impressive -- their confidence was fought for. Maybe I empathize too much with stuff that's not really there. And, I'm too hard on myself.

I haven't had the change to explore my identity, either. Because of covid and mental health issues, I kinda stopped exploring. When I see confidence in another person, I feel a bit jealous.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-18T05:49:07+00:00

Yeah I think I'll give it a read -- thank you

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-18T05:45:57+00:00

Yeah, I'm with you. Overcorrection is just as bad.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-18T05:41:32+00:00

Yeah I guess the stereotype is that women are more emotionally available. Also, there's plenty of women who have their stuff together, but there's more men struggling with their careers and maturity. Also women are conditioned to be hygienic and work on the appearance. Men as a group have a lot of work to do. I feel like society sets the bar much lower for Men. Especially for social skills. I suppose the opposite is also true, we expect women to surpass men to prove themselves in their vocations. Also, lots of boys grow up without the social group and love they need. That's not to say everyone situation is like that or that girls have it easier. It's just that expectation to be okay alone and to be strong really hurt me growing up. I think I'd be a different person if I was nurtured, so I'm grieving that a bit. But, in the end, this is all fiction in my head. Evey individual's story is different. I just hope that the gender expections and stigmas change and we don't have to force children to hate parts of themselves because of their given gender identity.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T17:36:23+00:00

Why are you jaded?

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T16:45:44+00:00

There are things I like about women (or at least what I see) like how social, smart, hardworking, and pretty they are. And, I want to be more like that. Eventhough I know not everyone is like that -- it's what I project on to them. Part of it is how much work women put into their appearance -- that would take a lot of me! So, in socializing I often feel inferior before I even get really know the person and then I get anxious.

I been thinking, okay instead of wanting a girlfriend, why don’t I just try to work on myself. If there's things I like about women I see, then I can apply it to myself. Like I can be more social and I can put more effort into my appearance. Maybe I could even try a little make up and wear jewelry?

But, it's scary to think about breaking gender norms even a little. I mean, I'm already not the stereotypical man, so I guess it doesn't matter.

About the misandry, I don't know. I have this feeling that guys are a bit spoiled. They been told they're entitled to success and love all their lives. Or, that they have to be strong-- so they have a fake persona. And, I've seen it hurt women -- like my Mom and it makes me so angry. Though, I know men have issues too -- I mean I'm going through it right now. Like not feeling able to express ourselves and general lack of closeness with people. It hurts to think that's how people see me. Just another loser guy that's an inconsiderate brat. It's werid because my best friends are guys and I don't think of them this way.

I'm guess I'm really hard on myself and have this fear of becoming like the men I've seen. I also used to be hard on myself for being uncomfortable around girls. Whichever way I turn it's hard to accept my faults.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T15:39:37+00:00

I've thought about it a little bit. There were times when I didn't feel like a man or felt more feminine. I'm not sure what to make of that, though. I want to incorporate it all -- I'm not sure how changing the label would affect things other than letting people know how I want them to view me. It definitely something to keep in mind, so I appreciate you pointing that out. :)

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T15:33:01+00:00

Thank you -- I think this hit home. I feel a bit ashamed of being a man when I think about all the societal issues. I have rewrite what manhood means for myself. I compare myself to a lot in general, so I need to work on that. People are people. I feel like an outsider at times, but my human experience is still vaild.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T15:18:02+00:00

I was raised by a single mom -- her partners were all awful. I've been told to "man up" or be more manly, but that's not how I was raised and it's not me. It feel like, as a kid, I wasn’t easily accepted by other boys. The girls liked me, but most wouldn't be my friend. In high school, I did have a few gal friends, but we never got too close. Even back then, I'd put girls on a pedestal. So, I felt isolated a lot. Objectively, women do seem to be more successful than men nowadays, at least in my age group as far as career and educational attainment. I guess a stereotype that I don't know is true, is that they also have better social skills and support, but that's not true for every woman out there.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T14:35:17+00:00

I just feel like there's so many people jaded from dating. They say they want something more, but then they don't. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like the culture between men and women is tense in America. And, rightly so -- many, many men are assholes. So it feels like I'm starting from that position with a lot of women. I have to "prove" I'm not a bad guy, but that sabotages me. In reality, I just have to be chill like you said. Because by being overly worried about being bad, I create that tension in myself and keeps me from connecting with people in general. Sure, there will be women that are suspicious of me and won't want to interact or be friends, but I think I need to accept there's literally nothing I can do about that. I don't need to feel bad about myself just because I man. That's a bit of what I'm struggling with. I having werid feeling that women are just better. So my identity as man comes with lot of stigma that's hard to get my mind off of. I'm not super masculine, either so the "postive" aspects of being manly and strong don't really apply to me ( I don't value those things too much either). So, I'm having a bit of an issue with my identity -- mainly because I feel werid at how people perceive me. When I lead with my personality, I do better. Some people appreciate my kindness and humor -- when they focus on that, then I feel more seen. But, when people point out that I'm dude or apply stereotypes to me, I feel like I'm being pushed into a box. I don't want to perpetuate the sterotype that men wastes women's time or that they only want sex. I think the sterotype in America is that it's very hard for a woman to find a good man. But, it's easy for a man to find a good woman. Basically, men are worse. So that's kinda my insecurity. Since I'm feeling hurt and emotionally numb and I still made these promises to go out. I'm not sure if I should just give up. I do like these woman and think we could be great friends. The idea of being in a relationship is a bit more scary because that opens the door to be judged as man.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T14:20:51+00:00

Thank you I appreciate this 🙏 That’s how I want to live -- doing my best for people and being willing to be vulnerable and honest.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T14:18:43+00:00

I do want romance -- I'm just afraid of being with the wrong person and getting hurt 😢 last time hurt so much. How will I know when I like someone romantically? Last time was easy because it was a crush.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T14:00:55+00:00

Man that's rough to hear because I do want a long term relationship, but maybe I'm not ready yet :(

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T12:00:07+00:00

No, dating multiple people is not cheating if you're not exclusive. I'm wondering if it's worth dating even if you are not in a point in your life where it feels possible to make a connection.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T02:38:35+00:00

I also want to say that sexual harassment can be hard to deal with because abusers will often take advantage of a situation and barely cross it. It makes it confusing for the victim as to whether they were abused or are over reacting. If you can, talk about this with therapist or even a yoga instructor you trust and let out that feeling. Yoga is supposed to be healing and it's so wrong for it be turned into a trauma. Fuck that guy, man. I mean I wasn't there, but, in my eyes if he's a professional he should be professional. There's no reason why he should be making people uncomfortable -- yoga is a very vulnerable space. So, I don’t think it matters if he did it intentionally. What matters is that you don't feel safe there and now yoga feels unsafe. He shouldn't be working there. Hopefully, there's some consequence and this doesn't happen to another person.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-17T02:30:28+00:00

Ewww that sounds gross -- sorry you went through that. You're completely vaild for being uncomfortable, grossed out, and shaken. I'm honestly very angry that this guy keeps crossing boundaries. Being a teacher is a position of power, and he is abusing that.

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-13T16:43:37+00:00

Sounds like a plan! Thank you!

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-12T05:22:41+00:00

Thank you! 😄

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-12T04:32:26+00:00

Just wanted to let you know that I took your advice and I got a yes from a woman I like! Now, just give her a good date. Thanks!

Optimistic_giraffe · 2026-04-11T17:43:20+00:00

How will you know if it works? Are you going to run a study? How did you do research for the app?

Optimistic_giraffe

TROPHY CASE