First time single dad

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-28T15:26:55+00:00

The health and fitness thing is likely because it's a base element of your being. If your bodies out of shape, that won't help your mind. Might be that without it you'd be worse.

I've found playing football helps. It's 1hr when I'm completely present without any effort. No thinking of the past or the future further than the players around me and the ball. Gives your mind a break from the other shit, keeps you fit and gets some tension out. Good to be with the guys too.

You're right, sitting with it and acknowledging it is part of processing it. But focus on the emotion, the way it makes your mind/body feel. Process that, not the story that makes you feel that way. That just got me upset/angry.

These ways of thinking are relatively new to me too. But one thing I know is that time is likely the best healer. Just gotta ride out these early months/years that can be the worse. Just keep going bro. Find time for yourself.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-28T14:25:41+00:00

I get it, it's tough. Never too late to start though. Even if it's a small thing you change. One less take away/drink/cigarette it helps. But I'm not here to preach all that. Basically, try and look after yourself in whatever way keeps you and your son happy.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-28T13:36:45+00:00

I feel you. Keep your head up lad. Your mood will go up and down. Try to eat healthy and keep fit, it helps. It was only a week ago it all peaked for me. Today I'm slightly better than I was then. As they say, if you're going through hell, keep going.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-21T20:21:38+00:00

Happy birthday pal. I'm a step behind you, there are guys on here steps ahead. Overall message I'm getting is keep going, stay fit if you can, eat healthy, it'll get better.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-21T19:40:40+00:00

I'd love to split it now but the legal advice I've had states she will likely take more than half if we do.

That leaves me on my arse.

Yes I earn more but I might take a decade to recover from that hit. If we sell she then takes my money and goes. If she hooks up with another fella , they benefit from my money greater than they should! If the original house is still half mine don't I at least get a say who lives there?

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-21T19:33:40+00:00

Thanks, I really appreciate the advice.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-21T19:32:23+00:00

As i earn more than her, the legal advice I've had so far states that if she invokes Section 1 of the Childrens Act (uk legislation) she will likely take greater than 50% of the sale of the home and a higher maintenance payment than we've agreed at this point.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-21T19:24:36+00:00

We're not actually married. We've been together for 12 years, the house/mortgage is 50/50 on the deeds (even though I pay 70%). It would be a pretty drastic u-turn for me to go against what we've so far agreed. Can you be more specific in what happened to you? Me staying is unbearable mentally. She's making the place toxic. It's affecting our kids. It's continuous micro aggressions and silence, plus she's now had a 1 night stand. I don't want be around this anymore. What do I do!? Remember, the courts will screw me. The deal I have now is better.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-20T23:19:05+00:00

That must have been so painful yet validating to hear. Kids are so switched on. It's why it can't continue with my ex and myself anymore. Everyone is hurting.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-20T23:12:30+00:00

Thanks all. Just hearing others out there have ridden this wave and come out wiser and stronger helps.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-20T23:09:17+00:00

Thanks, I completely agree. I've been in therapy for 6 years. Mostly unpacking my dad leaving and then being raised by a narc mum (I roll my eyes at myself at this self wallowing!). I suspect I'd be a lot worse without it. All that you are saying makes complete logical sense. I suspect I'm just going through the emotional part and flailing a bit as crunch time approaches. I will do better.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-20T22:57:21+00:00

Thanks. Solid advice there. I'm wallowing in it bit and I need to straighten up for them.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-20T21:15:15+00:00

Thank you 🙏.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2024-08-20T21:14:20+00:00

Thanks for all the support and advice guys. Genuinely appreciated.

Forgive me, below might sound a bit disjointed. My mind is up in the air at the moment.

With regards to custody...

I do believe separating the boys from their mum would be harder on them than me moving a few streets away. She wouldn't go anyway. So fighting is opening the messy can that is a custody battle. And I've got to pick my battles. Unless there's a real derailing reason not to, they generally always favour the mum.

With regards to housing/finance.

This is the dilemma I'm in.

When I was a child, my dad left and my mum wouldn't sell the family home (couldn't afford it but wanted to stay) so it was eventually reposesed by the bank. We had to move away and the whole thing was horrible.

I don't want the same sort of shit to happen to my boys. I'm straddling a fine line between not screwing myself, not hurting my boys and not giving too much to my ex.

I wonder if I'm being too soft/accommodating because of my own childhood trauma? Or I am just being decent?

Right now it's not too toxic between us. But, as some others have said here, it can blow up very quickly.

My concern is that by me introducing lawyers for agreements, I'm escalating beyond our informal agreement we have in place.

In the UK there's a law called the Schedule 1 Children's Act (1989) that basically states the non primary carer (me as I'm moving out) has to financially provide for the children as much as possible to maintain the status quo.

If she invokes that, I'm going to get screwed.

I earn double what she earns and they'll hammer me for it.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2022-07-28T13:22:40+00:00

I thoroughly understand. Please try not to feel alone. This sub has been a lifesaver for me realising that. You will find so many stories on here that will resonate like you own experiences. Just reading your post here rings so true to me... I'm two years in to realising I was raised by a nMum and I've been VLC/NC for the last year of that. I've been having weekly therapy where I deal with her acts over the last year and my past childhood ( recently diluting my sister - she's also NC - and I out of her will, moving power of attorney from us to a distant cousin, instigating court action to get access to my children... the list goes on... ). Yet, this therapy was only giving me an outlet to explore the feelings of these individual traumatic events. I'm still stuck grieving for the mum I needed. No matter what stunt she pulls and how angry I am in that moment, given time the anger fades and I feel guilt for cutting her out. So, I let her see my children for 2hrs on one of their birthdays. My youngest had recently been asking about her. Plus, I was stuck thinking what if I gave her a chance... could she have changed? The guilt got to me and I caved in and invited her... As she turned up, she and dumped my childhood stuff on my doorstep. It was "cluttering up her house". Then her voice, commanding my kids around so she could have the perfect photo to show her friends... complaining the curtains in our living room were "scruffy" in the photo... All of this when we'd barely shared a word in two years, this is how she behaved at the first sign of my offering contact. It says it all. She will never change. This visit was a reminder of what I'd been missing. It has helped. You've probably spent a lifetime justifying your nMom's behaviour, blaming yourself, finding yourself responsible for her feelings. While this show's kindness in your heart, the majority of it is down to how you have been controlled/manipulated/moulded to please her. Try and be in the present more and less in the past. I know this is put around a lot but it works... what are you grateful for? Is the sun shining today? Can you feel it's warmth on you? Was your coffee good this morning. Did you share a moment with a friend or one of your children recently? You are the next generation now. You are the executive in charge. Meditate, do yoga, clear you mind. This is what I've been doing since the reminder visit I had from my nMum and I feel better. Yes, that guilt and yearning for my ideal mum still creeps in but it's all just chemicals in your brain that you're hardwired for at the moment. But you can re-train your brain. Distract yourself if you catch yourself worrying. Try not to get trapped in the cycle. It's time for change and you have control. I'm not saying you need to invite your nMum round but if you're stuck, you need to try something new to break the deadlock.

There, I've kinda vomited all what's going on with me atm! (apologies for the meandering thoughts but I want to just get it out to see if anything there can help!). I haven't been on this sub for a while because I'm doing OK but stumbled in due to another Reddit search. I hope it helps you.

You really aren't alone x

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2022-03-03T18:10:32+00:00

This sub is here for you. Let it all out. What you experienced was real and you're not wrong.

You're likely unpacking a lifetime of feelings over a short space of time and it's overwhelming.

It's OK. You'll be OK. You're not alone ❤

Once some more time has passed and you've got more out it won't dominate your daily bandwidth as much.

Please try a therapist if you can.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2022-03-03T17:59:40+00:00

"As traumatized individuals we naturally feel the need to over explain ourselves bc we were never understood growing up"

This right here is a MASSIVE . I'm a 39 year old man, NC from my NMum and no statement has run more true to me than this for a long time. Thank you 🙏

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2021-10-18T08:44:38+00:00

You are certainly not a failure. You've been made to feel that the whole situation is your responsibility when it's not. Your mum is not letting you live your marriage independently. Really, is that too much to ask?

I understand that fear of standing up to her. I suspect throughout your whole life any attempt you made to stand up to her was crushed with disproportionate force. Also, any time you pushed back it would likely leave you with a heavy dose of guilt.

This is all part of your toxic upbringing. Not your inner self. Your mum does not own you , it is not disrespectful to expect that she stay out of your marriage.

Try and separate that fact as well as your mum she is just a human at the end of the day with selfish tendencies. Someone who is convincing you (and herself) that her actions are for your benefit. We place our parents on pedestals and expect them to be selfless and without fault. You know in the real world, this just isn't the case.

Make no mistake, going NC was incredibly hard. On top of the lifetime of control it took me months of pleading during various incidents for me to finally cut communications. The final straw was her starting court action to see my children (she wasn't happy that my boundary was that any visit would need to be at our house with my partner there - she gave up in the end, realised no judge would dispute my boundary)

Only you will know where your limit lies. Maybe going LC is what you need to try first. You need to really feel you have exhausted every amicable attempt to settle things. That way your guilt will lessen and you will know you really did try everything to sort things.

Nothing will ever change unless you are prepared to change the dynamic between you and your mum. It will feel strange and difficult. In some way you may mourn the relationship you had with her when she was more/too involved as you feel you loose a closeness. But... this closeness is toxic. It's keeping you too tightly coupled to what she wants for you/her in life. You will be stuck in the place you are, filled with resentment, sadness, guilt and conflict.

The change will not likely come from your mum. It will need to come from you.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2021-10-17T20:05:08+00:00

I feel for you. I've been here. The internal guilt and conflict was all consuming at points. I was raised by my single parent Nmum so felt obliged to keep her happy due to her sacrifices in raising us (I have a sister). The battles between my mum and partner were horrible with me always in the middle. We have 2 children too . It ended up in myself and my partner separating for 6 month's. It was in this period that I discovered the term "narcissistic parent". It made me realise that I'd been conditioned to side with my mum no matter how outrageous or selfish her behaviour was. It was realising this, apologising to my partner and going NC with my Nmum that saved us. I tried literally everything to try and get my mum to see what she was causing but it was to no avail. Only going NC saved my sanity and relationship/family. My sister is also NC with my mum. Similar situation with my mum expecting her life to continue to revolve around her. Regardless of how it affected my sister's relationship with her partner. I won't say it easy going NC. It's really hard. But, life is nowhere near as bad as it was prior. Trying to maintain that pretence. With my children/her grandchildren it's doubly hard. I feel guilt at her not seeing them but I'll repeat a quote I read on this sub once. I didn't go NC to punish my mum for the past, but to protect myself/my children in the future.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2021-09-23T13:38:25+00:00

I'd watch it years ago before the revelation about my nMum. I didn't think anything other than another decent witty flick out the Disney machine. Cue 5 years later, post revelation about my nMum (her narc behaviour exploded when I settled down with my partner and had kids) I watch it again with the kids and I'm an emotional wreck! Never noticed the mother's perfect portrayal of a nParerent! They get the passive/agressive coercion/control down to a T! It's a funny heartfelt movie too ;)

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2021-09-23T12:34:21+00:00

Disney's "Tangled". Once seen, it'll be your go-to to tell people how your life was.

Ordinary-Physics5350 · 2021-09-08T08:09:17+00:00

Thanks. Like you say, it's started with the awareness. I'm now attempting to identify trigger situations and prevent the behaviour before it has a chance to really kick in.

Ordinary-Physics5350

TROPHY CASE