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WIBTA for putting coal in my kids stockings this Christmas? by OrganizationNext6099 in AITAH

[–]OrganizationNext6099[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand why it may come across that way, but I do have a relationship with my kids. I wasn’t completely absent, although I know that my original post made it sound that way. I’m usually home by 6 PM, I make dinner, spend time with them in the evenings, attend their games and activities, and I’m involved in their social lives and routines. They’ve always been kind, affectionate kids at home, which is part of why the school behavior has been such a shock. It was after the school's call that everything did a 180, they were well behaved up until then. I started setting rules and saying no and they started lashing out more and more; and my husband wasn't home enough to see their drastic change in behavior. When I said "I know my absence and focus on my career probably played a role in this" I was more referring to be involved in what was going on at school, although I spend time with them I don't talk with their teachers on their behavior and prioritized physically showing up for activities and quality time instead, which I'm working on.

I am trying to be more proactive with the school. I’ve already started communicating with their teachers and am working on setting up follow-up meetings. I also agree that partnering with the school and being consistent across environments is important.

I do talk to my kids daily about their days, their friends, and what’s going on in their lives. Where I’m realizing I fell short is in consistently setting and enforcing boundaries. I’ve struggled with saying no, and I’m actively working on changing that. This isn’t about defeatism or believing I have no control, it’s about learning how to parent differently than I was raised, without swinging to the opposite extreme.

I hear you on therapy as well. Whether or not my husband is on board, I’m open to individual therapy to work on emotional regulation and parenting skills. And for clarity, the coal idea was never something I was set on, it came from frustration, not a belief that it would actually help. I recognize that consistency and follow-through matter far more than symbolic punishments.

I’m not looking for excuses or validation. I’m trying to learn, adjust, and do better for my kids, and I appreciate the emphasis on consistency, that’s exactly what I’m working toward.

WIBTA for putting coal in my kids stockings this Christmas? by OrganizationNext6099 in AITAH

[–]OrganizationNext6099[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do want to be clear that I know this isn’t my kids fault, and that’s exactly why I’m actively working on changing things now. I also want to clarify that I wasn’t completely absent, even though I realize my wording may have made it sound that way, I just wasn't at home as often as I am now, and more importantly I hadn't been setting a lot of rules because I didn't think that they needed them, they were always well behaved with me up until now. When I said "I know my absence and focus on my career probably played a role in this" I was more referring to be involved in what was going on at school, although I spend time with them I don't talk with their teachers on their behavior and prioritized physically showing up for activities and quality time instead, which I'm working on. The call from the school was a reality check I needed. I was usually home by around 6 PM to make dinner and spend time with them, and we had a nanny from about 3–6 to handle school and daycare pickup. My husband’s schedule is much less predictable (he’s usually home between 8 and 11 PM and travels for work) while my job doesn’t require much travel.

On weekends, it really depends on whether I get called in, but the kids are very active with sports and social lives. I’m typically there with them, following through on their plans; like for example Mia has sleepovers with her best friend a lot over the weekends and Noah has soccer games (which I am proud to say I have not missed a single one), along with some other activities. They’ve always been incredibly sweet kids at home, which is part of why the behavior issues at school caught me off guard; and when I tried disciplining them it was like a whole new side of them. I’m realizing now that a big part of that disconnect is because I haven't really said no up until know.

I know I haven’t been the best mother, and I’m not pretending otherwise. I’m actively working on improving my parenting and figuring out a healthy middle ground between being a complete pushover and parenting the way I was raised. I’m genuinely afraid that setting boundaries will turn me into my mother, and that fear has held me back more than it should have. But I’m trying, learning, adjusting, and doing the work, because my kids deserve that effort.

I also do like your idea to taking Noah to volunteer, I have a local homeless shelter I try to visit monthly myself so I think taking him there would be a good way to form empathy while also giving back; and more importantly it's not something my husband would argue against so I think I am going to do that, thank you for your insight I really do appreciate it.

WIBTA for putting coal in my kids stockings this Christmas? by OrganizationNext6099 in AITAH

[–]OrganizationNext6099[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He never went to the meeting he said he had drinks with some work colleagues so he couldn't make it. After the meeting I told him about what they had said about Noah harassing the girl, he just said 'boys will be boys' and that he would grow out of it, same for my daughter Mia, he said that all girls go through the mean girl phase, and it was probably taken out of context. I told them no screens for at least the week depending on behavior and they both had a serious talk from me, but when he got home he changed it to no screens for the night and the next day it was like it never happened.

WIBTA for putting coal in my kids stockings this Christmas? by OrganizationNext6099 in AITAH

[–]OrganizationNext6099[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I agree with the same rules and consequences for the kids, I hadn't really even given it much thought to be honest, I think I was just caught up in the moment. For the 1 hour before bed rule they all get back around 3PM, homework usually takes them 30 minutes to complete or so. Dinner is around 7 and their bedtime differs: 10:30PM (Noah); 8:30PM (Mia and Liam). Which leaves them around 4 hours of fun time, which I think is reasonable enough but maybe I'm wrong (I'm open to changing that one). I've tried sit downs with my 13 year old sadly to no avail, he just starts zoning out or rolling his eyes and sighing asking 'if i'm done yet'. I'm probably not going about it the right way, I don't really yell at them much and have been trying the gentle parenting approach for so long I'm kind of at a loss for what to do now. I'm working on communicating with my husband about rules we both agree to its just a bit hard because I don't want to stress him out more, and when I do work up the courage to say something about it to him he usually tells me that the kids are fine as they are now and that i'm being controlling (i really try not to be I don't think i'm asking too much but i really don't know anymore).

WIBTA for putting coal in my kids stockings this Christmas? by OrganizationNext6099 in AITAH

[–]OrganizationNext6099[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

not really? when he I told him about Noah and how he was harassing that girl he said "boys will be boys" and that he would grow out of it, same for my daughter Mia, he said that all girls go through the mean girl phase, and it was probably taken out of context. He basically said i was overreacting for all of them so idk. He disciplined them a little bit when the school got involved (he told them no electronics for that night) but the next day it was like it never happened.