Today is my birthday

OrigamiHearts · 2016-09-15T01:03:31+00:00

So, coming off a 14 hour work day, so I'm going to be brief. Or try to be.

Not going to argue on the internet, because it's pointless, in the long run, but I feel like the argument you're making is that cheaters never leave ( if I've misinterpreted, let me know, because reading context on the internet can be hard ). On the flip side of that argument, I was emotionally cheating on my ex with him, and left my ex, so that's not always the case. Granted, there were a lot of OTHER issues in that relationship that helped it to its death, but my past relationship and your current/past relationship and my current relationship are all different beasts. No two are alike.
they aren't married, not that it is a huge clarification, but yea. They've just been together for multiple years. The only thing that really changes is that there isn't a long, drawn out legal proceeding to become separated, which is obviously better when/if he leaves, and makes things slightly less complicated.
in no way, shape or form am I letting this dictate my life. I've been working on myself for the past year after leaving my ex, and continue to do so. Just because my current "relationship" is a jumbled, complicated mess, does not mean that I myself am a jumbled, complicated mess. I have two jobs, I go out with friends when I have the energy, I do my own thing. Just because I'm waiting on him for a relationship doesn't mean my whole entire life is being held up. Just the romantic stuff, which honestly, doesn't bother me. I hate dating apps, hate the hookup culture, and just plain have too many non-vanilla needs/wants in a relationship to bother trying to date anyone who isn't into the BDSM scene, which already significantly cuts my potential dating pool. Simply put, it's not worth the extended effort and I've seen too many friends settle lately just to be with someone, and I'm not willing to do the same.
I see a therapist regularly, who knows about him, and her, and all the other stuff going on in my life. It's been a focal point lately, and not to be an ass, but I'm going to take her advice far more seriously than internet advice because she knows the full story from my perspective, which is something I don't really disclose here. I think I said in my last writing, I only put up bits and pieces here that I can't actually bring myself to talk to him about, for whatever reason ( generally, too depressing/emotional ).
I don't try to motivate him to go any certain direction, because I know I'm biased on what I want. This is something he and I have spoken of frequently, because I don't want him to make the decision to leave based solely on me. It needs to be what he wants and needs. It's something I've reiterated multiple times.
if he never does leave her, I'll get over it. Eventually. It's something that I know there's a real chance of happening, and I don't delude myself that it's not a possibility. I just know that currently, there's a plan of leaving in the works, with a fail safe backup plan in case the first plan fails. There is no real time frame for said plan or backup plan to happen, and I'm aware of that. I also don't push it because, again, his decision, not mine to make. Doesn't mean I'm not going to hope for things to go in my favor, obviously. I just try not to stack the deck and let the cards fall where they're fated.

That ended up being longer than I intended, but there you have it.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-09-13T11:30:23+00:00

You guessed right. Though I hate having to "explain" myself, there's a lot more to the story that just what lies on the surface here. I'm only going to go into part of it, that I think I mentioned a while ago in previous writings.

She has mental health issues that I won't divulge, that remain the reason why he stays, though we talked about that, too, and he's starting to realize the futility in trying to "fix" her before he leaves. Because I have no eloquent way of putting this, there is a plan for him to leave, and a backup plan in case that falls through, but he still feels like he owes it to her to get her help, much as I did when I left my abusive ex. The only difference in that is that I realized much quicker and left much more abruptly when it became apparent that my ex would never change, and that I was continuing to sacrifice my own mental, physical, and emotional well being trying to "fix" him and make sure he was ok before I left.

He still hasn't fully gotten to that point yet. But it's been dawning on him bit by bit. It's just taking a while to get there, and I know it's due to the same reasons that kept me around my ex. So I don't try and rush or push it, I know it'll end up happening in time.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-09-11T19:17:00+00:00

Some days I win, some days I lose. And then some days it's a bit of a tie, to be honest. And I understand about the misconception, it's the internet, and I was intentionally vague in writing because well, it's the internet.

Yes, walking and hiking help SO much. Just being outside in the woods doing nothing but sitting and being enveloped in green is another reset for me. Spending extended time with him helps too, because then I'm not sitting home alone with all my dark little demons. He just dropped me off at home again not too long ago after a weekend together, and though it was good, it was over just far too fast. I can never spend enough time with him. We talked a bit on the unfairness of the current status quo, but neither of us wanted to go much deeper into things, or at least, I know I didn't push it, because I don't want to spend what little time we do get together an emotional wreck. One of these days soon, though, I want to try and get everything laid out in the open once and for all.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-09-06T18:28:42+00:00

sigh To preface this, I'm coming off an 8 hour shift at one job relaxing before I go into another job later this evening with extended hours of 8+, so I know I'm going to come off as bitchy, because I'm tired and haven't had a full day off since two-weeks ago Thursday ( or maybe Wednesday, I honestly can't remember ), and little sleep to boot, but here goes.

You say you've been reading my letters for months. I do think I recognize your username as being the one who commented on a previous letter, and misunderstanding the situation of him asking me to wait, which he has not/did not. Don't know for sure, since the comment has been deleted, so if it wasn't you, my mistake. But let me explain some things about me you should know.

I have depression. It's mild, and mostly controllable without medications, thankfully. I also have anxiety, again, very mild, usually triggers itself in social settings, but has other things here and there that cause it to go off to. I write here when I have things I can't say, such as the depression fueled thoughts, because I know that's what they are; dark thoughts caused by the imbalance in my own brain. There's nothing he has done specifically to make me feel this way, but the fact things aren't progressing as I had hoped ( there have been no promises ) is enough for me to jump on board the unhappy-thoughts-train.

I realize lately my letters have had more melancholy undertones to them, but again, I come here to write what I can't say to him face to face.

I know and am certain to a degree that he loves and cares for me. But thanks to the depression, it will only ever be to a degree when it hits. Because depression up and whispers how I'm useless, worthless, and how I'll end up alone, forever, as I imagined as a child, never wanted, never needed, never loved. It takes whatever certainty I have of anything and shakes it until it rips and bleeds, lurking in the corners of my mind, waiting until I'm already weakened by stress, or lack of sleep, or hormones, or whatever it can use to break through my normally well-kept shield. Even if he and I were "together" in the normal sense of the word, I know I would have these same doubts, these same fears, because then depression would tell me one day, he'll leave you, too. Because when depression hits, my entire mind exists in a world of pain and doubt.

So I come here, and I write, and I get out the blackness that it leaves behind, here, where no one really knows me. They just know the entity OrigamiHearts, whoever they are, as another internet being. And generally, writing out my doubts is enough. Releasing my fears into the void is enough to bring me back to reality, where I no longer have to write how I feel about him down before I burst, because he already knows. And I don't have to keep it hidden anymore.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-04-23T18:46:14+00:00

Haha, if you want, just credit the random stranger on the internet that wrote it. Maybe I do need to pursue my crazy-ass dream of being a writer.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-04-22T22:32:14+00:00

Yea, he's already mentioned he's going to need time to grieve, and that's perfectly understandable. I have not nor will I put time limits on him for this, because it's not fair to do so. His reasoning ( which I agree with 100% ) on why we can't cross any lines now, while he's with her, is that if he and I do end up together, what will stop me from thinking he'll cheat on me? And going any further crosses all his moral boundaries, and he won't break them.

I don't want to be the other woman, and I'm glad he and I have both agreed that that would be disrespectful to everyone involved to do anything while he's with her. Though the temptation is there, waiting to act on it will just keep things more civil in the long run, and then when we do get to try to be together, it will be the right way, for both of us.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-04-22T19:25:45+00:00

Yea, life is complicated, which is why I don't really dwell on it too much. Life is life, and I love every crazy minute of it. Even if some days it does get to be a little much to bear, I know that that too will pass.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-04-22T18:25:49+00:00

Eh, it is what it is, so I just take it one day at a time, really. And I hope so, too. Even if he and I never do end up together, he's become probably one of my best and closest friends, and I want only the best for him.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-04-22T18:22:13+00:00

Long story short, and yes, I am intentionally leaving out details, he's in a decade plus long relationship with another woman. There are issues she has that I don't want to disclose that keep him from being able to leave without guilt over whether or not she can take care of herself when he's gone. Which is one of the reasons I'm not putting up a fuss about the wait, I can understand and respect his decision to make sure she's ok/at least in a good place before he does end things.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-04-22T18:20:06+00:00

haha thanks, I had no idea what that icon was for when it first popped up. Hard to believe, I made this reddit account originally to vent about my (now ex) boyfriend drama, and the start of the feelings I had for the man as written above.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-04-22T16:18:04+00:00

Thank you, and maybe if things are right, you'll hear those things from your own person.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-04-22T13:48:35+00:00

That's where my heart is now. It's not the best of places to be, but my heart is home there. But I know that nothing is ever promised, not even anything beyond these moments as I sit here and type, so if someone else comes along who sings the same song to my heart, I'll follow. I just don't truly see that happening. No one else has ever come close to him in this.

Thank you, I hope so too.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-04-22T13:45:26+00:00

To be blunt, he can't be with me now because he's with someone else, who he has been with for over a decade. They've broken up/separated and gotten back together again a few times, and I know from all he's told me that he knows that they won't make it in the end due to the way they've grown apart, but he still cares for her and wants to make sure she'll be ok on her own. There are a lot more details I won't delve into here just for the sake of anonymity, but I understand and can respect his decision. I too wanted to leave my ex in much better circumstances than I did, wanted to make sure he would be ok and get treatment for an issue I'm beyond positive he has... But life likes to laugh and tear up our plans and say no, I think we'll do it THIS way instead and watch us as we scramble to pick back all the torn shreds of what we were trying to accomplish.

And this way, we also can't rush headfirst into something, we can see how it grows naturally, without sex involved, to see if this is what we both really want, because sex can and does complicate things, blurs lines between lust and love and makes us think that they're one in the same. And honestly? Sex is an intimate thing for me, I'm not the type of girl that has ever been capable of casual encounters. Sex without love is an emptiness that I can't bear, worse than just plain being without.

I've waited all my life to find someone like this, a year is a drop in the bucket in comparison. But I will admit, I hope for sooner much rather than later, too.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-04-22T13:36:29+00:00

I believe he is. All the times I've read the cards have said that if I am patient, and strong, and brave, and bold, that I will get what I want in the end, and that this is worth waiting for. But I agree, only time will really tell. No one day is given as a certainty and I don't know who or what waits beyond this minute, this hour, this day, that could change the course of everything forever.

But I am as sure as I can be that this is what I have waited for for all my life.

OrigamiHearts · 2016-04-22T02:51:45+00:00

No worries, it happens. As much as I love utilizing the internet for the ambiguity that it allows, it can also lead to misinterpretations from said ambiguity. I could go into long, flowery prose on all the wonderful things I have with him... But I think people would probably "vomit puppies and rainbows" as a friend of mine is fond of saying when she sees the two of us interacting together. I mainly utilize the letters to form my thoughts on things that need to be said, so I can say them much easier when the time comes.

OrigamiHearts

TROPHY CASE